You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ That was nice.
A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay - you’re ugly as well.’
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “break my arms.”
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I took my dog to the vet. He picked him up and looked at him and said “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down”. I said “Why?” He said “Because he’s too heavy”
They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.
They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.
The priest, being a gentleman offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.
As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, “Father, Father I’m cold!”
So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. “Is that better Sister?” he asks.
“Yes Father, much better,” she replies.
So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, “Father I’m still cold!”
So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. “Is that better Sister?” he asks.
“Oh yes Father, that’s much better,” she says.
So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, “Father, Father I’m just so cold!”
The priest thinks long about this and finally says, “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?”
The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can’t help but admit to herself she’s been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, “OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married.”
So the Father replies,
“Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!” and rolls over to fall asleep.
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked. …
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
I actually know what they are. My daughter raises horses and we ride. It was just weird seeing it listed, don’t you think? Or is it normal, and I’m just weird
I am, I’m sure. Looks are deceiving. Not many people believe me when I tell them. Im actually having a birthday this Wed 13th I will be 47.
My daughter is 21
