Speaking of diarrhea… an airlines flight had to return to original airport because of 1 individual who had diarrhea.
No joke here but must have been worse case ever!
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” the doctor said. “Those are just contractions.”
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How do you say “constipation” in German?
“Farfrumpoopen”.
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Ever try archery while blindfolded? No?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
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What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
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I lost my job at the bank. This lady asked me to check her balance for her, so I pushed her over.
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What part of the computer never stops working?
The keyboard…it has two shifts
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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His Mrs. was understandably upset, so he asked her what he could do to make it up.
“When I get home from work tonight, there’d better be something parked in our driveway that will go 0 to 200 in 5 seconds!”, said Mrs. Bob.
So later that evening, in the driveway sat a big, fancy box with a pretty ribbon and bow on it. Inside the box was a shiny, brand new, state-of-the-art…bathroom scale.
Bob was never heard from again.
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What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?.. Halloumi 
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Why did the hikers who got lost in the desert not starve to death?
Because of the sand which is there.
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