Perhaps you mean Count Duckula? 
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If there was a race between a man and a dinosaur, who would win?
The man.
Dinosaurs are dead.
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Priceless! Best one I’ve heard yet. 
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There was this farmer who had three teenage daughters. All three of them were waiting for their dates to pick them up one evening. The farmer, being a very protective Dad, had a shotgun full of buckshot by his side in case any riff-raff showed up. The first suitor arrives:
“Hi! I’m Joe! I came to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?.” The farmer invites him in. Then shortly the second suitor arrives:
“Hi! I’m Eddie! I came to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?”. The farmer invites him in. Then, finally, the last suitor arrives:
“Hi! I’m Buck!..”
BLAM!!!
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If a short person waves at you, is that called a “micro wave”? 
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If two Vegans are having an argument, is it still called a "beef?
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If you come out of the shower clean, how does the towel get dirty?
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I’m dying…
.
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We had a chicken-proof lawn installed.
It’s impeccable.
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… Omg 
not what I was expecting 
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Laugh out loud!!
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You should never ignore words of advice from people who are qualified to give it – otherwise things can turn out like in this story.
A man on a flight to Chicago suddenly found himself having an urgent need to use the bathroom.
He headed over to the men’s room, nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied.
A stewardess noticed his predicament and told him, “I’ll let you use the ladies’ room, but on one condition – don’t touch the buttons on the wall!”
The man breathed a sigh of relief while sitting on the toilet, and his attention drifted to the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”.
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, “Wow, this is strangely pleasant, women really have it made!”
Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
“This is amazing!” he thought, “Men’s rooms having nothing like this!”
He then pressed the button marked “PP”, which yielded a large powder puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”, and then everything went black.
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ room on a plane!”
The nurse replied,
“Yes, I’m sure you were having a great time until you pressed the ‘ATR’ button, which stands for ‘Automatic Tampon Remover.’”
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Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaarrrggghhh
PS Sorry 
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Know why the little pirate couldn’t get into the movie theatre?
Because the movie was rated arrrrgh!
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