If a short person waves at you, is that called a “micro wave”? 
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If two Vegans are having an argument, is it still called a "beef?
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If you come out of the shower clean, how does the towel get dirty?
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I’m dying…
.
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We had a chicken-proof lawn installed.
It’s impeccable.
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… Omg 
not what I was expecting 
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Laugh out loud!!
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You should never ignore words of advice from people who are qualified to give it – otherwise things can turn out like in this story.
A man on a flight to Chicago suddenly found himself having an urgent need to use the bathroom.
He headed over to the men’s room, nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied.
A stewardess noticed his predicament and told him, “I’ll let you use the ladies’ room, but on one condition – don’t touch the buttons on the wall!”
The man breathed a sigh of relief while sitting on the toilet, and his attention drifted to the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”.
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, “Wow, this is strangely pleasant, women really have it made!”
Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
“This is amazing!” he thought, “Men’s rooms having nothing like this!”
He then pressed the button marked “PP”, which yielded a large powder puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”, and then everything went black.
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ room on a plane!”
The nurse replied,
“Yes, I’m sure you were having a great time until you pressed the ‘ATR’ button, which stands for ‘Automatic Tampon Remover.’”
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Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaarrrggghhh
PS Sorry 
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Know why the little pirate couldn’t get into the movie theatre?
Because the movie was rated arrrrgh!
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Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
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How d’you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya next week.
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What’s another word for “Thesaurus”?
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Rome Trip
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
”Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser. ”That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome‘s Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.”
“Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it…”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman. “Not only were we on time in one of BA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me!”
“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”
He said: “Who the F*** did your hair?”
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I’m in tears I can’t breathe that is hilarious!
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