Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
6 Likes
How d’you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya next week.
3 Likes
What’s another word for “Thesaurus”? 
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Rome Trip
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
”Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser. ”That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome‘s Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.”
“Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it…”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman. “Not only were we on time in one of BA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me!”
“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”
He said: “Who the F*** did your hair?”
9 Likes
I’m in tears 
I can’t breathe that is hilarious!
2 Likes
Ouch 
Ten characters
1 Like
How was the snow globe feeling by January?
A little shaken.
5 Likes
Why do mellons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
4 Likes
3 Likes
I bought myself a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.
Now i can remember why I walked into the kitchen.
4 Likes
I had a magic dog once…
He was a Labracadabrador.
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I went to a fight the other day, and a hockey game broke out. 
4 Likes