Where did Captain Hook get his hook from?
2nd hand store.
4 Likes
How do you help a clue-less person
Tell them you’ll give the answer to them when you get back and that they should think about what it is I’m going to tell them
2 Likes
Why can’t you wear glasses on a football field?
Because it’s a CONTACT sport.
5 Likes
: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
5 Likes
Did you hear about the guy that was addicted to soap?
He’s clean now
8 Likes
Q: What do you call a corpse with a job?
A: A “working stiff”!
4 Likes
A man visited his doctor, and the doctor checked him over before commenting, “it looks like you get a fair bit of exercise.”
The man replied, “Oh yeah, in fact, just the other day I walked 5 miles over rugged terrain as i climbed over rocks and trees. I also waded along the edges of a lake, pushing my way through tall thistles, and even slid down sandy slopes while getting sand in my eyes.”
The doctor was quite impressed. “Well, you are certainly a dedicated outdoor enthusiast.”
The man replied, “Not really, doctor. I’m just a really bad golfer.”
11 Likes
I heard a story about this guy who brought a lawsuit against a neighbourhood bar because they didn’t provide those bar stools that swivel.
He felt that his swivel rights were violated.
9 Likes
A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Credit go to the rightful owner:two_hearts:
7 Likes
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
Germans are efficient and have no sense of humour.
Source: am german
9 Likes
I’ve deleted all the German names from my cell phone. It’s now hans free.
13 Likes
Q: What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
8 Likes
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A Labracadabrador.
4 Likes
I was in a restaurant once and the waitress brought me my salad. To my horror, it appeared to be half-eaten. I complained about it, but the waitress responded:
“Well sure its half-eaten! You asked for the CHEF’S SALAD!”
3 Likes
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one - the alcoholic holds onto the lightbulb, and the world revolves around them!
How many codependents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one… he/she keeps flipping the light switch repeating “this time it will come back on!”
7 Likes
A. – “Knock, knock.”
B. – “Who’s there?”
A. – “KGB.”
B. – “KGB, who?”
A. SLAPS B. in the face
A. – “Ve vill ask ze qvestions!”
3 Likes
I came across a book that was all about oils and lubricants.
It was in the Non-Friction section.
8 Likes
A cat goes up to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender pours some milk into a shot glass and slides it down to him.
The cat takes his paw and, WHAP! He knocks it over the edge and it falls to the floor and breaks.
Then the cat says: “Bartender…another! Make it a DOUBLE!”
5 Likes