I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I just ordered a pizza from the place across the street and asked the delivery guy to bring my mail up.
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- How do you know if a vampire is unwell? Because he’ll be coffin.
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- Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand shops.
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I have a great memory, it’s just short…
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My wife’s cooking is so bad, we pray after we eat.
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I asked my dad what it felt like to have such a handsome, intelligent son. He said, “I don’t know, ask your grandfather.”
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Meetings are like Netflix shows—most could be finished in 15 minutes, but somehow they drag on for an entire season.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I’ll let you know……..
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We don’t say ‘dinner’s ready’ in my house. We just wait for the mandatory evacuation notice.
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My boss asked me why I was late. I told him I had a dream about a meeting and wanted to see how it ended.
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I’m so out of shape, my shadow just stopped to catch its breath.
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well.
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My wife: “…anyways, I’ve been the only one talking this past hour, what do you think? …are you even listening to me?”
Me: “Hmm? God, I just had the craziest dream…”
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Nostalgia is not what it used to be…
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya next week…
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- How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
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Ok, I just made this one up, so I make no guarantees….
Did you know that vegetables can be hazardous for consumption? They made Artie choke.
I’ll show myself the door now….
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What was Michael Jackson’s favourite ride at Disneyland?
The spinning TEA-HEE-HEE! cups.
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Can a matchbox? No, but a tincan!
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