Would you like me to pm you some dark jokes?
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If you so desire
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What is green and hangs on a tree branch?
- Giraffe’s snot.
What is another green thing that hangs on a tree branch?
- A raw Tarzan
A third green thing that hangs on a tree branch?
- A leaf, obviously.
Ta dum tsss
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What if my elder keeps cracking jokes like this and it’s lowering my opinion of yo… THEM?
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Why is Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year
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… all over the world 
Ok, I’ll see myself out.
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Well Is Andre tryinh to become Santa?
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I’m fucking dying
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I’m speechless. You might have cracked his code.
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My level of one liners and improv comedy is off the charts
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A man is driving along in an old car and it starts to make a strange sound. Steam comes out of the exhaust, so he pulls into a garage. He crosses the forecourt and asks the owner.
“Could you have a look over my car please, it’s making a funny noise and steam is coming out?”
“Sure”, the owner says “it will take about an hour”.
“That’s OK there’s an ice cream parlour across the road and I like ice cream”.
After an hour the man returns to the garage.
“Did you have a look at my car?”
“It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“No, no it’s just ice cream on my face. Honest”,
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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GRAHAM!!! damn, lol.
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Why does the Norwegian Navy puts bar codes on the outer sides of all of their vessels?
Well, you see, when the ships come BACK into port…they can simply Scan-da-navy-in.
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You have a talent lol
That’s a good one love it
Story of Adam & Eve’s Dog
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal…’
And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . .
didn’t give a fig, one way or the other…
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A little girl stands before a judge at her custody hearing.
The judge asks “would you like to live with your mom?”
The little girl, horrified, shakes her head and says, “No! My mom beats me. I never want to live with her!”
The judge, taken aback a bit, says, “We can give custody to your father, and you can live with him.”
“No!” The little girl cries. “He beats me, too. I can’t live with him.”
The judge shakes his head sadly. “Little girl,” he asks, “who do you want to live with?”
She paused to consider. “Can you let me live with the Dallas Cowboys? They never seem to beat anybody!”
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
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WHAT DO U CALL A COW MASTERBATIN?
beef stroganoff
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