So I made a post on here the other day cause an old friend of mine passed away. I wish wed met for better reasons but she and i still got along great.
Tw for a lot of sad shit, sex trafficking and child abuse, mentions of violence
There were 4 of us that i remember clearly. I womt use their names/actual numbers cause privacy and im paranoid but there was me (1), the friend who just passed (2), a good friend who passed back then (3) and her sister (4). 4 was the youngest, about 3 years old and 2 was the oldest at 11 when i first met them. 3 and 4 were both killed, i witnessed 3s death cause after her escape attempt she was killed as âan exampleâ. Her sister was killed for a similar reason, i didnt see it though. After the handler passed myself and 2 got out. I was 5yo and 2 was 13yo by then.
Its been 15 years since she and i got out. We reconnect in a survivors support group a month ago and started catching up. 2 killed herself last week. Im the last one left.
It hurts. The memories, the guilt. Fuck i just wanna drink until my brain stops reminding me of everything. God im so mad that she threw it all away. 3 and 4 didnt get a chance, we did so why the fuck did she have to off herself? Shes the only person i could talk to about everything that happened, completely unfiltered. There were times we were forced to hurt each other, i hate myself for what i had to do and 2 understood that pain. Who the fuck do i talk to about it now? When i found her again i thought âshes still here, shes found ways to cope after everything. Maybe i can tooâ. And then she gave up. I looked up to her and shes gone now. Ive talked plenty to my therapist about it but itâs still so hard.
Im gonna make some food and shower later. Im trying to take care of myself but its been tricky. Im sure shed want me to move on. I wish these got easier with time.