Hi @CrabDog thanks so much, if it’s not too much trouble I would like that very much! As I had the same idea of printing that out nice and neat and pin it up over my desk! Very much appreciate your offer!
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This is a bit triggering but I need to write it
Writing and expressing will help
I haven’t been sent to a phyc ward in about 2 years
When I was 16 in 2006 I was diagnosed schzophranic
The unrealistic view of life got to me
It all started with a bus of a fly. I could have sworn it came from another person in my head. I was most likey high on weed or withdrawing
A week past and it was smooth
I heard voices in my head saying I’m doing a good job
Then one day the unreal view came full throttle. I was staring in the mairror repeating my name trying to make contact with my voices
then the blessing became a curse
I was so frightened someone or something heard me and I was petraphied because I thought everyone in the whole world could hear me as world leaders faught trying to 0ut blame on eachother for my communication to them. 2ars were being started in my name I thought.
I thought the u.s. government send solidgers to watch me secretly and if the voices escalated I would have been taken out.
I remember trying to make piece by letting this happen. I would go for long walks in the woods hoping the peace was comming and I thought it would be in the form of a sniper.
Everyone I dreamed about I thought dreamt the same thing so when I dreamt of a drug deal gone wrong I thought gangsters were going to take me out
Meanwhile all of this is going on, I’d call the police trying to save other people and myself so I’m going in and out of phyc wards like crazy. 15 times in 3 years.
I had a breaking point on Christmas night 2009
I was going through a depressive episode
It lasted weeks long
And 9n Christmas night 2009 I attempted to end it myself based on my confusing thoughts
My voices said
Matt you are god admit it
Finally I admitted it
Then they said your the devil
I admitted it
Then they called me the super devil and I had to die to save the world from alians
Lol it’s fked up I know but it’s funny now that I look back 
I took a months worth of 5 meds that were different in my
I laid in bed and I was so high I started not being able to breath
I washed down the pills with 1 beer
Then a voice in my head comming from the police said thank you.l, which saved my life because it didn’t add up
I ran upstairs to my dad’s room and yelled I’m oding then ran downstairs to call the ambulance and police.
My dog was wigging out. They are smart smart good loyal animals
So the ambulance came and brought me to the hospital where I fell asleep
I slept till 3pm the next day
Got trasford to the phyc eval department and slept another 2 days
Never got my stomic pumped I think because I wasn’t throwing up
I didn’t tell anyone why I did it because I thought if I did, the false thoughts would become true
I ended up telling my doctor in the phyc ward
Then a week past and I came home
That is only one of many many horror stories I have about my symptoms as a schzophranic
I almost ended my life on a lie I made up in my head
I’m much much better now
I know my illness like I know myself
Schzophrania is very complicated
There are thoughts
Then imagination
Then schzophrania
Schzophrania is like a out of control imagination
Everyone has thoughts
Everyone has a imagation
When theyvare combined to a extreme is schzophrania
I will have this diagnose for the 4est of my life unfortunately but I don’t mind. I learned a lot a lot
I’m opened about it
It doesn’t scare me
It doesn’t mean I have multiple personalities or that I’m dumb
It’s just unbalanced chemicals in my head. I always say in my head because I hate the word brain. Brain is a gross word lol
So yeah…
Pretty much…
Have a good day everyone
Have no fear
Your the boss in your mind
Nothing matters but right here and right now 
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Take Jesus, your lord and saviour, for example. The first time someone comes along and suggests that maybe you shouldn’t hurt each other and what do you do? You nail him to a big plank of wood. This is why you can’t have nice things.
Just read it and it made me chuckle. 
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Hi Matt,
Thank you for sharing your experience of living with schizophrenia. I can only try to imagine what that is like. I have had the privilege of interviewing and conducting focus groups with a number of people with schizophrenia so I realize that everyone is different. I have had brief psychotic breaks but I have never been on a psych ward, primarily because I always escaped from the A&E/ER department when I was brought in!
It sounds as though you are knowing yourself better as you gain experience from it, and of course the unwellness is only a label and does not define you. I’m glad it does not scare you. I find it amazing how our minds are able to create delusions and hallucinations without us consciously being involved. What goes on in our heads is incredible! You have the diagnosis but you can still have an awesome future. Wishing you the best. 
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Amen to that sista!
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This is totally how I feel at the mo. I just want silence. It’s a really selfish way to be I know but I find I feel so much better when it’s quiet. My husband has been at home today and blasting music through the house whilst he’s been cooking. It’s driven me crazy!!! In the end I had to go upstairs, ram ear plugs in and try to get a little calm. 
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Is it selfish to speak up for your wants and needs? I learned through my 4th step that it’s actually a form of dishonesty when I do not voice my wants and needs when appropriate. Dishonest to others around me, but mostly to myself.
I also learned selfishness is “wanting something for myself that I don’t think others should have”. I think you could benefit working an inventory over this situation with a recovery partner or sponser.
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It’s something I’m definitely working on. I don’t have a sponsor as not in the AA but Im trying to get what I want and need for my recovery whilst living on a house with a busy family. Sometimes I voice what I want and don’t want and they’re all really good but I just get sick of the sound of my own voice lol. Work in progress, thank you for your advice
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