today is the first day in over 4 weeks I have actually seen a tiny light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. Depression I’ve found out is not about feeling a bit down, I’ve had physical reactions to the thoughts in my head and suddenly went from I can do anything to I can’t do anything. You know all the things you should do to help yourself but can’t do any of it. Today was a huge step for me leaving the house and talking to my boss about trying to go back to work, I’m not sure I can but I will try. If you are depressed and suffering with severe anxiety it’s OK, your OK, there is no rush to do anything, there is no law to say you can’t just stop and do what you want. sit around the house eating bad foods in scruffy clothes, have a few days of not washing if you can’t be bothered, sit up all night and sleep half the day if that’s how you feel. One day your going to feel a tiny bit better and it will mean everything, one day your going to have a thought about a walk somewhere and it doesn’t have to be far, one day you’ll begin to feel like you might have a reason to be alive and that’s good instead of the thoughts of it would be easier if I was dead.
So yeah I might still be at the dark end of the tunnel and for all I know that light could well be a train coming but at least I’m willing to find out, at least one day we will lift our head up high enough to care. God be with you 
I value your presence on here more than you know. Your advice and your story help me and others a lot. I’m glad you can see a light at the end of that tunnel…. I’ve been where you are and I totally get every word of what you have written. Thank you for your share Paul, I’m wishing you a good recovery and all the very best 
How you doing Paul? Been thinking about you. Especially this morning. I read Courage To Change every morning. It’s from my Alanon reading materials. I always read some kind of Alanon litterateur along with my other devotionals in the morning. Anyway, I read this part here and stopped to pray for ya.
Courage To Change. August 12
Second paragraph.
That’s when I realized the limits of my own understanding. I saw that my sense of urgency stemmed not from certainty but from fear. I discovered that my only honest course of action was to turn my fear and my love over to my Higher Power. I could no longer pretend to know what was best.
I hope each day your dark tunnel gets shorter and you light gets bigger and brighter.
it’s starting to feel slightly less desperate, I now have the courage to do some things I don’t want to do but I know are for the best, I also have faith which a year ago I never had so I know I’ll get through this, it’s all part of the journey. Thanks for the prayers BTW they do work. 
Wow that is deep!!!
Totally relate to you Paul and have been there as well. I’m really glad you’re feeling better and that it’s lifting a little bit. Thanks for sharing!!! 
That’s such an important thing for me to remember Stella! I just started doing this about a month ago after a lifetime of not wanting to make a scene or hurt someone’s feelings. Thanks for posting!!!
This is very inspiring, Paul. I can relate to this so much. One thing I have learnt to do in recovery is not shitpile onto the depression. I thought i was welll-educated on how to deal with it because I had it for so long. But I was doing it wrong, making it worse by believing there would never be an end to it. Thanks to recovery I have a life now I can at least remember and believe that it hasn’t gone anywhere when I’m deep in the depression. You’ll get back to it. You feel bad now, I do often too. It’s scary and shit. But you’ll feel better again. It’ll all come back. Stay strong my friend!
I can well believe you have and its by watching the journeys of people like yourself and the incredible strength you’ve had to show that keeps me going. Sobriety is not a cure all for life but it’s gotta be better dealing with it this way hasn’t it?
Absolutely Paul. I know for a fact that if I was using I would of killed myself, I believe that with all of my heart. Keep reaching out bro and you can message me anytime man. Fantastic job
How do you do this when this person is your spouse who can’t let go of the past?
