13 Likes
This just hit home. Every morning it feels like Iâm picking up a different point of view to judge myself. And even in those respective points of view I separate the angle of self persecution. If I put my energy in one domain of my life one day, then at the end one of the only thing i see is what havenât been achieved in the other domains. Worse than that is the struggle to pick up the poison at the beginning of the day: I canât choose to commit properly on anything these days because I am so depressed and tired and covid-pissed-off that I think I canât really do anything worth. At least I know it isnât true.
I had the idea of using that time to start writing again. Going out of the academic writing that I usually do. I started to read a novel, it has been long since I have read other thing than non-fictional books or articles. Even before I read the first lines I felt itâll be amazing to start writing fictional instead of theorical. I read the first chapters and I am already amazed by the potential of fictional writing⌠I like that we can bend every rules and limits to explore human life within a story that doesnât even have to be totally explicit and making total sense: the reader do the rest and take it from there. So I am there thinking that would be a good way to come out of my academic-structured lens and thinking by trying to write out of this limited box of theories and start from fiction and lived experience. But I canât help it: I canât let myself start because I do feel the need to put a structure, to have an hypothesis to test, to think of a substructure of the story that would make it somehow more sophisticated but at the same time readable and accessible to a large amount of people - then I tell myself that it isnât for publishing that I am doing this itâs for my sanity ! Itâs to come out of this perfectionist douchebag inside my head who wouldnât give me a brake, itâs for me to find a place to get out of this structure-driven mind that has to find a meaning and a solution to life everyday at every moments - but then again itâs not up to me, because if I start writing about something I feel I want to write about, at that very moment I am shot multiple times by the judgmental voice of selfworthlessness and uselessness, because who am I to write anything really worth plus thinking I could do something with it? Dude that is rough. But that is the expression of negative thoughts I have about myself when I start to feel depressed. So I thought maybe, maybe just this time I could write for myself, find a compromise for both my voice that needs expression and creativity and the one that needs structure and some kind of meaning.
But I am there rambling while underneath all this is the deep learned wanting to drink and let go of all this useless battle. And when I get to this point I remember how pointless is this fight about my writings, because anyways I am just an addict trying to work it out, and the principal outcome of my day to celebrate would be to make it sober. Itâs just that at time, at 30 day shy of 500 days, Iâd thought I couldâve put myself to more than just âmaking itâ to the next day as a goal. Because I have long stretches of good moments and productive ones, full of good feelings and even some kind of good pride. But it is not fulfilling the needs of my creativity voice. I feel she is not heard and listened to in those times. Although when I feel tired and canât keep up my other projects and work, she comes back to remind me that all I do isnât totally what I want to do. But thatâs all she does: pointing me to that fact that I am not fulfilling this deep need, without showing me the way to. I have a belief that it is through creativity that she will come to life through me, or that I will find peace with it. Iâve come to believe that I could âtransformâ or âtranslateâ her into fictional characters, stories, themes and even a satirical comedy, so maybe when she comes I could go find a way to express her in my imaginary instead of fighting myself for not listening to her and feeling just wasteful and awful. Even if this sounds like a good idea, I then come back to my first statement up there, which is back to trying to structure what project that writing would go in. I just want it to be a âanti-projectâ I just want it to be out of the performance circle, but I canât. Because even this âanti-projectâ I want it, as soon as I start planing to writing, to be a project. So maybe Iâll just try to set myself some boundaries for a âprojectâ that would be made to let myself have âanti projectâ spaces in it. I donât know.
Woahf that was a good rambling. Thanks for that space of free possibilities. Hope you have a good day!
11 Likes
I saw this on my FB page today. I was in my 30s when I started drinking. You donât always have to be young to do stupid things 
Remember: Youâre never too old to learn something stupid.
7 Likes
I actually have a former friend who started vaping weed and microdosing LSD and MDMA when she was 59. I guess I am glad I did all that stuff when I was a kid instead of just getting started now. Eek! Not that I am âgladâ I did all that, but it IS my reality from another lifetime, cannot change the past and all that.
5 Likes
Funny you say that Sassy. I was just watching Intervention and the lady on their was a grandmother I think we have so many issues that we deal with in just getting older, such as health, it would be rough to have an addiction on top of that 
But just a reminder though, youâre never too old for many things, including the bad ones.
3 Likes
I agree. I am just glad that I wasnât on there as a Grandmother, tho I could have been. Ugh.
2 Likes
This is not meant to be derogatory to anyone who feels powerless or broken. It is more to show the power within and that there is help from others
8 Likes
This year I will not make a resolution. Just to try and add small things to my routine. To be gentle with myself. To take it one day at a time. Happy NYE beautiful humans 
10 Likes
