idk, it was more to express a feeling than to be a message or anything. Itâs just something that came up in my mind. Honesty about what we feel is no less important than positivity.
In mental health, we talk about being our own heroes, recognizing our worth, learning to love oneself. I think itâs important to continue to be honest about what that looks like.
It feels empowering to be able to throw off the shackles of depending on others for things we donât need to, and of trying to please others all the time. But at the same time, itâs not the whole story.
We are still social creatures, and it is okay to want more. Actually, coming to acknowledge how amazing you actually are can make it feel all the more important to not hide it from the world.
Hell yeah, sister!!
Good grief, yes. Big struggle for me but a struggle worth fighting.
There is a guy I have to interact with at work who gives me the ick. His first two questions to me were âwhat time do you get off workâ (the answer, late) and âwhere do you parkâ (the answer, a smile and conversation change).
When I get uncomfortable I get overly nice or angry and since I was at work my default was nice. I think Iâll switch to cordial.
When I told some co-workers how I felt about his questions they said he was just making conversation. I then asked them if he had ever asked them that conversationally and the answer was no.
He needs new conversation starters and I need to busy myself with other tasks while interacting with him so we donât converse. People pleasing is a struggle. 
Your gut is so spot on, what a creep. ICK. If he wasnât trying to be a creep (and I donât see how thatâs possible) then he needs help, but thatâs not on you, friend!
Totally! I trust my gut and my gut tells me to keep my distance. Ick.
well said I am out of likes
YES. One thousand times yes.
People-pleasing is a common struggle in its own right, of course. However, it might be helpful to know (if you didnât already) that it is also a very common response to threat, in one of its forms. Itâs not an instant, involuntary reaction like âfight or flightâ or even âfreezeâ, but it is a behaviour also rooted in survival instincts.
You might rapidly scan your brain for ways to deal with the situation, and it might seem like fighting and fleeing (literally or metaphorically) may both provoke a bad reaction from the threatening person, and put you in an even more dangerous situation. In this case, appeasing the person might look like the safest way out. Early in a conflict, there might be room to consider rationally how you want to go about things, and you can choose how to respond. The more heightened and immediate the danger is, the more your survival brain is going to take over because it wants to make a good decision NOW, not a perfect decision three seconds from now when it might be too late.
I started experiencing this a lot after a relationship where abusive tendencies and â0-60 mph in 1 second flatâ anger were a common hazard. It worked its way into my reaction to a lot of different social situations, even ones that werenât immediately threatening. It was just a practical way to ward off bad things from happening.
What I am ultimately getting at here, is that it makes sense to struggle with people pleasing in a situation like this. Even if the person is someone you donât have any desire to people please. Your brain is doing its job. But like with other survival instincts, sometimes âweâ (our conscious selves) have to reign in those survival instincts in situations where weâve identified theyâre not needed.
I canât pretend to know what the pressure is like within the gendered power dynamics and social expectations that are often present in this kind of occurrence. Just⊠mad respect for those who can find ways to enforce boundaries, reclaim spaces that belong to them, and stand strong in this kind of situation. Everyone wins when you do.
(And if you donât? No one else gets to judge. No one else was there but you. Even if you told them about the situation, no one else picked up the subconscious cues and body language your brain was processing when it happened, things you couldnât have relayed to them even if you wanted. In the moment, you do what you need to do. When you have space from the situation to think clearly, you can decide whether you are satisfied with how you handled it or if you want to do something different.)
Sorry but I donât know whatâs going on with your coworkerâs thought processes. That is NOT a normal way to start a conversation, on any planet. Alarm bells is the correct response! Your gut was correct. Not telling him what time you finished work was correct. Your conversation change was correct.
If I was a coworker passing by as he asked you where you parked, Iâd have given a big loud âwell what the fâ does THAT have to do with anything?â and given him a real uncomfortable stare of the âwhat the actual Fâ variety, as I walked past.
Thank you for this. It is beautifully written and spot on. Iâve bookmarked it to re-read. I learned to be a people pleaser to keep the peace and the more I explore the phenomenon the more I see my pleasing smile as a fear response. My people pleasing smile looks like rictus and seems to beg people to like me or not hurt me.
Iâm working on changing this but did forge this dynamic with the person in this particular situation. I once offered him a snack from some treats I brought in to celebrate a promotion. Looking back I didnât want him to have any of these snacks or know anything about this promotion (or my life), I just wanted him to go away from me for a minute. I was people pleasing as a way to dismiss him.
Right?! My response after he left was âif I ever turn up missing after work it was that guyâ.
Now Iâm looking at this as a learning experience and a way to reform my thoughts about kindness and consent. Kindness and cordiality are different things and I am practicing reserving kindness for areas it is warranted. As for consent, just because I was nice to you once I can reframe that relationship as my feelings evolve.
I donât feel danger from this person but he feels like a give him and inch he will take a foot (lets hope not literally) kind of person. I feel guarded around him so I will remain guarded around him.
These responses were very thoughtful so thank you for that. Itâs nice to try to talk out the big stuff. đ«”đŒđđŒđ«¶đŒ
Oh this hit deep for me this morning. Thank you!