Hi; do any of you remember me? I disappeared because I went back to it. No need for too many details but drinking about a pint of hard stuff every other day. Plus some nasty wine. If any of you remember me, you would know that I am in emotional and spiritual crisis; but I have learned to handle that without alcohol. Now it is intense physical pain that tempts me. I have a progressive illness that wants to unalive me, and in the meantime is making my life miserable. Pain meds do not even help. And it takes a shipload of alcohol to numb it enough to allow me to WORK. I am not that old and i have always been a Worker. I was a little powerhouse and for many years i laboured through the pain. Now, however, the pain is so intense and i am so crippled that I cannot stand it…which means that i am disabled so badly I can no longer labour without outrageous amounts of alcohol. I am only 4 feet 7 inches and 87 pounds. It is a wonder that I have not unalived myself. My best friends, both old enough to be my parents, try to do my labour (such as mowing a jungle yard) for little to no pay. This makes me feel awful. But i am getting more and more violently ill for at least 3 days everytime i put that stuff into myself. Not to mention i wrote a couple of very drunken letters to my best friends and one of them i actually sent 
I am going to try this again. I want to spend what is left of my life sober.
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
Sobriety will make you feel better. That is for certain.
Take it one day at a time. Slowly as you pile up more and more sober days, you will start to feel better.
I was a wreck many years ago and was also in a lot of pain, both physically and mentally. Sobriety has helped me big time. I’m not 100% cured, but each sober day helps me be the best version of myself.
You owe it to yourself in this lifetime to give sobriety another chance. Welcome back.
I do remember you, welcome back 
Sorry to read about your decreasing health, that’s awful. It’s incredibly hard to accept that we cannot do certain things as we used to or at all. And to adapt to it.
Be kind to yourself. Being kind to myself and apprechiating babysteps helped me to get accustomed to my long covid symptoms and find ways to deal with it.
Sending hugs
I remember you of course. You mattered then and you matter now. I think it’s time to get serious and to make those big changes. Alcohol out and real living in. From what you have said, alcohol is certainly not helping a damn thing for you (apart from pain relief?) so I would suggest that you think deeply about what your values are and how you want to live going forwards. Perhaps engage some health professionals in discussions around safe pain management. Spiritually, you need to dig deep and invest in you. Who are you? What do you love? What do you need? Who do you want to align with? What are you most driven by and how can you harness joy? It’s not going to be easy, but you can dig deep and make this change any day you choose. Only you can do it, but by all means possible. Reach out to AA/other addiction services, engage health professionals, be really honest and vulnerable with your friends. Make amends to them if you feel you should; it’s no time for pride or ego. You will need a village to beat this, with you at the head of the table.
Good luck. Stay close here.
Hi @DaughterOfTheSea I also remember you, so welcome back.
I suffer with chronic pain in my back and chest, and it’s never going to go away.
All I can do is manage the pain, and make the recommended lifestyle changes, so as not to make the pain any worse.
I can only echo the great advice you have already been given.
Take care of yourself the best you can, stay close to our community and seek help.
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