Last night I was tired and sad. Made it a perfect excuse to mess up.
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I havenāt fallen off the wagon, Iām still going strong-ish, but a very very good friend of mine has fallen by the wayside.
He had 15 years sobriety coming up for 16 years, and now heās back to day one.
He was my first Sponsee, when I was based in Lincoln (UK not Nebraska), we clicked immediately and he thought the same way about the AA program as me, which made going through the steps a āwalk in the parkā.
When I moved to Sheffield; 57 miles from Lincoln, but almost a 2hr drive, l passed the primary sponsor baton over to another member of the fellowship whom he had choosen.
We still talked on a very regular basis and met up for F2Fās; usually when I went to visit my Sponsor (who is in Lincoln).
So thatās the background to this post, but what this post is really about is My guilt and My feelings of helplessness around his relapse.
I know and understand that I canāt work the program for him, but only provide support and direction; but I still feel that I could have done more, what more I donāt knowš¤.
Heās coming over to visit on Saturday and he wants me to be his Sponsor again, which Iāve wholeheartedly agreed to.
The reason/reasonās for his relapse arenāt clear at the moment, but I 'll do some āold styleā rummaging around in his mind when he comes over to my house.
Iām a qualified (PhD) Phycologist or as I prefer to call myself a Phycoanalist, so Iām happy, prepared and armoured to dig around in his phyce.
But, this is where my guilt trip starts.
Could I, should I have done more and
why didnāt I pick up on his state of mind from the physical and verbal signals?
The only solace I have at the moment is that we Alkies are consummate liars and we can distort the facts to mask whatās really going on to suit our own agenda, and that goes for body language as well; so in essence:
We Alkies are actors more than worthy of multiple Oscars for every day we act out in active addiction.
Heās back on the wagon now, but I get the feeling heās hanging on to it by his finger tips, which isnāt good.
I may have to (donāt want to) arrange for him to see one of my colleagues (Pro bono or Iāll pay) as sometimes telling your ādirty secretsā and shortcomings, to a complete stranger who is bound by the Hippocratic Oath seems to be much easier and complete, I may be too close, but I should get most of it in his Step 4, if heās rigorously honest.
My only requirement to be his Sponsor was that he does the steps again.
He may have to see a psychiatrist (same as above for payment), as I/we Phycologistās canāt prescribe medication, if he needs any, butā:crossed_fingers:
that he doesnāt.
Thatās where Iām at the moment. Whatever happens itās not to tip me off the wagon, which would be nasty as Iāve got the reigns and 6 horses out if control would not be good 
.
I know in 
and 
that my HP will see me through this, provided I listen to it.
If I can, without breaking the HO, Iāll post updates.
The takeaway from this is, however long youāve been sober:
strong text
DONāT GET COMPLACENT, YOUR **SOBRIETY IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL **
TO THE WORK YOU PUT IN TO IT,; BASICALLY 'NO WORK, NO SOBRIETY.
While youāre not drinking youāre disease is doing press-ups and squats in the carpark therefore fully fit, just waiting for a chink in your armour that we all, wear as is apt because we fight a endless battle with a powerful & merciles enemy.
&
PMās welcome.
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Iām glad you are safe. I had many times when I would return to drinking, and in the final analysis I could see that no matter what the excuse was, the truth was I was not done with drinking.
Feeling crappy and hungover was not motivation enough. Crashed cars and disappointed children were not motivation enough. I had to be dragged, kicking and screaming like a toddler throwing a fit, to the brink of losing it all. My choices were drink or go to jail, and the cops and courts were watching me every day.
Even that might not have been enough, without the experience I had during my last arrest, an out-of-body experience where I got the message āEverything is going to be alright. You will be able to stop drinking now.ā Following that, I did all the things that had worked in the past to keep me sober - taking Antabuse, going back to a drug/alcohol counselor, going back to AA, and mostly just following instructions from others.
Every day, my goal was to get from awakening in the morning to going to bed at night without drinking. No further horizon than that. And I did the math - it was maybe 18 hours of being awake, and I would have 2 hours of going to an AA meeting, and 2 hours of commuting on a public bus, and 6 hours of work, and another hour of meals, so now the 18 hours was down to 11, and those were broken up so that I would have no more than maybe 2-3 hours to manage without those specific, sobriety growing, activities happening. And I knew I could manage 3 hours if I took it 15 minutes at a time. Like I said, a real math whiz! But not taking a drink, 15 minutes at a time for just a couple hours, I could do that.
For you Vic, know that everything is gonna be alright, and you are capable of not drinking. Get the help, the power you need from outside yourself. We, none of us, have to do this alone.
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Thank you.
I didnĀ“t drink a lot. But, still drank 2 glasses of wine.
The excuse I found was thay I was so tired and sad for some bad news I recieved.
Going to see a doctor (homeopath) on monday.
Stillā¦ feeling sad and weak.
I donĀ“t have a sponsor. Iām from Argentina. I donāt know how that works.
Donāt know the 12 steps eather
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Welcome back Manu. Maybe next time, when youāre craving this bad, come here or find another supportive person or group for support and delay before giving in to the urge. A crave is just that, itās not an order that you have to follow. Anyway, Iām glad you are here now.
As to 12 steps and AA: it can be very helpful to have support from our peers in real life where you live. AA is the best known and easiest to find peer support group in the Western world. But there are other possibilities, face to face, online, buddhist, secular, christian and more. Hereās the website for the Argeninian AA:
And hereās a link to a useful (I hope) relevant thread on this forum:
Wishing you all success!
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Hi Vic - I also did not know how AA or the 12 steps worked. I looked up AA, found out where they were, and I went to them. That is how it works here, you can just show up at a meeting.
I read on your other thread that you think your father has the same problem as you. That is not unusual. For now it is probably best for you to focus on yourself, and to know that your father cannot be a sobriety resource for you at the moment.
Find the people in your community who know how to stay sober, and do what they suggest to you. That is how it worked for me with AA - I found a group of people who were sober and happy and I asked them to help me.
Blessings on your house today.
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Next time that happens go to bed and/or do something to lift your mood like getting a treat or doing something fun. The drink didnāt really help afterall, did it?
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In the beginning, for meā¦anytime i was feeling a strong emotionā¦that might lead me to drinkā¦I came here first. Talking to people, having fun on here, or just reading.
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Hi Vic! Feeling for you
I had some nagging thoughts in my head today as well! Like āitās not THAT bad if i JUST go back to drinking ONE wine bottle a week like i used toā.
I was lucky to already have plans tonight eating out with friends
That voice trying to convince us that our excuses are valid is really hard to deal with 
All the best forwards! I can really relate to you here
how are you today my friend?
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