Thank you, that’s true! 
It’s not all negative. I suppose it was enough to throw me off, but having that space to vent here and after having some sleep I feel a lot better!
2 Likes
We are, aren’t we!! Mind you, I did have rather anxious dreams last night, and what I can remember is that the Queen (of the UK), wasn’t somehow pleased with me or my work, it was some kind of crafts or whatever that we were doing. 
So got criticised by the queen! 
I mean I can laugh at it now, but boy was I anxious in that dream!
And thank you Becky!!! I couldn’t be this brave if it wasn’t for your and other’s continual support!
3 Likes
A lot of people in PMO recovery would not have considered that a relapse. But you’re deciding to be honest with yourself. You’re seeking a good thing and that’s actually a sign of growth. I probably would have done the same.
Personally, for myself, just getting on Instagram would be at least level 8 behavior on my toxicity meter. (Level 9 and 10 would be resets) But I haven’t always held that view. Many times, I’ve used P-subs and didn’t recognize that I was actually creating an environment of moderation which ultimately led me to level 10 behaviors.
I think your analysis is pretty good. I definitely would agree that the pleasurable feeling is actually false. It’s a lie. And after using, once the dopamine wears off, I’m caught in a state of withdrawal, craving, obsession, irritability, moodiness, stress, and ANXIETY until my next using session which temporarily relieves these feelings that were created by the addiction to begin. And I confuse that relief with feeling good. It’s such a miserable hamster wheel.
So it doesn’t surprise me that you’re feeling more anxious than usual. That could be a symptom of the last using session.
I’m really hoping that you’re seeing the progress that you’re making. Don’t let the small number of days fool you. My sobriety is not an ultimate measurement of my recovery. You’re gaining better understanding of your mind and actions. And that will lead to great success down the road.
Thanks for sharing.
3 Likes
Hey man, thank you for this response! Instagram can be such a rabbit hole, right?
And it’s very true, how the dopamine withdrawals cause anxiety also.
And thank you, yeah, I feel I’m in a different place than say a year ago with recovery.
Take care!
3 Likes
Could you send me your levels, I wanna see if I can incorporate them into my technology addiction.
2 Likes
Actually, my toxicity levels have nothing to do with my behaviors, but instead, they measure the state and condition of my own mind. Because what I’ve learned is that what I’m doing is not as important as what’s going on in my brain while I’m doing it.
So I’m not too sure if you’ll find it helpful, but I’ll provide a link that explains it in my accountability thread.
1 Like
Day 7.
This morning I really wished that I would’ve had my phone on silent and that I would’ve slept untill noon. Why? Because a friend of mine called and asked if I could substitute in this one local school for the afternoon club. I mean I could’ve said no, but on the other hand, they pay me for doing it. 
It’s just so stressful. I mean I’ve done it before, but school environment just triggers anxiety in me due to being bullied at school as a kid and then having one school year of working as a teacher’s assistant which was one of my worst years. And this friend knows this. It’s just I’m their last resort person, if they don’t get absolutely no one else.
Well, turns out, it went ok. It’s just not my favourite thing. I’m glad I get paid though. Money is usually not a huge motivator for me, but in this case it is. Anyhow, I usually just play all kinds of scenarios in my head before this and every time it’s been ok. The kids don’t always do as their told, they can get a bit wild at times, but I just kinda see that they need to blow off some steam after having to sit in classes and pay attention. I mean I know some of the kids and their parents, sometimes it’s not a good thing, because those kids really test my boundaries Anyway, having said all that, although I can’t say I’m glad I went, I’m still glad it went ok.
I did cut myself with scissors accidentally though when we were doing crafts. Gotta have some battle scars, right? And of course I covered it with a Moomin band aid.
8 Likes
I’m glad you survived Milile Shake it off as another day down And you’re richer for it 
We can control those triggers… you got this!
2 Likes
Thank you Becky! I suppose it’s a wee bit like with some allergies, I just have to desensitise myself in that environment
1 Like
Why weren’t you using the kids safety scissors? The ones with the rounded tips.
Anyway, glad to hear you survived. I give you a lot if credit for stepping up.
2 Likes
Bahahahah, it seems that I should have! At least I didn’t run with them 
And thank you!
2 Likes
Day 10.
I think this Christmas is gonna be fabulous! 
So, yesterday I was surprised massively!! I got a text message from a florist, saying they have a flower delivery for me (!!!). And when I got it, the card only said “Merry Christmas, Santa Claus”. But I tell you, what a lovely surprise!! Whoever did it, made my Christmas.
I also did one more substitute shift at the school on Wednesday, and they gave me a gingerbread house!! It’s gorgeous.
On top of that, I got a 50€ gift card to this one grocery store chain from the organisation where I volunteer.
We celebrate Christmas here on the eve, so tomorrow I’m gonna go to and spend Christmas with my godson’s family. I feel blessed that there are friends who are willing to take me in so that I don’t have to spend Christmas alone.
9 Likes
Wow, that is Gorgeous!! Both of them. How fun that you have a secret admirer!!
2 Likes
Thank you! Yeah, someone really loves me! 
2 Likes
What a nice surprise. You ARE loved, Milele by us and many others too. They’re both beautiful!
3 Likes
Awww, sweet Lisa! Thank you so much!! 
1 Like
D 18.
Ending this year on a good note. Had some hot chocolate and homemade marshmallows made by my girl @Olivia. Soooo good!!
Overall it’s been a good year. Started volunteer working for another organisation, had my good moments as well as challenges.
Shoutout to @Ravikamor for sending me gorgeous flowers and truffles for Christmas, and she did it all online in FINNISH!!! Becky you’re a star!!!
Also thinking of @anon27760155. She (amongst others) have been there for me so many times! Hoping for a full recovery for her.
Little less than 2 hours left of this year here. May 2022 be even more exciting! 
11 Likes
Than you Milele that hot chocolate looks so good!! 
@anon27760155 has our prayers tonight. I miss her so much. 
5 Likes
Happy New Year Miele. Thank you for all you did in 2021. May the year ahead be full of blessings for you. 
3 Likes
Happy New Year @Milele ! I see I have to go to California or Finland to get homemade marshmallows! Have a wonderful year!
Thoughts and prayers for @anon27760155
2 Likes