Back on day 10.
I haven’t been in a good headspace, but it’s starting to get better.
That one week that I tried it with my sponsor, I relapsed quite a few times. I was struggling a lot. The pressure of working the program was overwhelming at that point. So she said to me that she cannot sponsor me unless I commit fully to the program, which didn’t only meant calling her everyday and doing the slaa how questions, but also doing meetings three times a week and three outreach calls everyday.
Now, I suppose the build up of the pressure had me relapsing, but I can say that for the most part I am the only one to blame for that. No one else. I take responsibility of that. But I decided after some thinking and after I talked with my sponsor about it, that it is perhaps better that I don’t continue with the program. I didn’t want to put this kind of pressure on her, and I also think that I wasn’t ready for it. She understood and we parted in good spirits, of which I’m glad.
I just feel that I also have to protect my mental health. While the slaa how program is good, it wasn’t good for my mental state. When I tried it last year in the spring, and finished step 3, I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t at a good place mental health wise at that point. But there are a lot of reasons behind it, not just the pressure of doing and performing right in the program. It’s hard work and hard work is good, but there became a point when I had to evaluate what’s good for me and my mental health care. I’m personally a firm believer, that “fake it till you make it” is not a good thing. And I have to honest with myself, there were times when I was faking it. But I cannot do that to myself.
So maybe stepping out of slaa for the foreseeable future, is something I had to do. I’m not blaming the program or anything, the mistakes are all on me.
So where am I now? Doing better, one day at a time. The fog’s cleared out, and I feel I’m a place where I can process my recovery. I had a good weekend, a friend and her dog came over for a visit, and it was nice. I haven’t seen this friend in a while so it was great to catch up.
Also, some interesting news: I’m gonna start working on Monday! Like an actual paid job. It’s only part time, but it seems to me at this point that it’s manageable. I’ve been looking for a job since last August or September, and applied to few places but I wasn’t taken in. I’m gonna try out this month and we’ll see how I do, and maybe I can continue in March, we’ll see.
Here’s to all fighting the good fight of sobriety!! 
We got this!
You better hurry up, the marshmallows are disappearing!
I haven’t really been active in slaa since last summer, and have been kinda passive about searching for a sponsor. But I have been keeping my eyes out for a potential one.
I’m quite excited!
on the job!!!
It’s been a hot minute!!