Thank you!
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Back to day 2.
It’s 1:30am here, and I’m feeling anxious. It might related to my latest relapse, it might not. I’m just feeling overwhelmed right now, and am not able to fall asleep.
So the relapse. I saw something on Instagram that triggered me heavily. It was very pornographic content, but not with real people, just like an animation. I didn’t know what it was at first when I clicked it, because the still image for the video was ok for me. But, I deliberately continued to watch it. Now, I feel I’ve been on a slippery slope with these pictures and videos on Instagram lately. I changed the settings then on Monday, so this kind of content wouldn’t pop up anymore. So far it’s been ok.
Yes so, I can kinda understand that there might be some grey area with this addiction. I might come across sex acts on film or tv, and if it’s from a streaming service I’m able to just fast forward that particular scene. Also, how many seconds of watching something counts as a relapse, or not being entirely “clean”, can be tricky at times. But, I need to be brutally honest with myself here. I don’t want to come across that kind of content, or to be more precise, I don’t want to deliberately stay and watch something that’s hurtful to my recovery. Maybe the word ‘deliberately’ is the key here. If I accidentally stumble upon pornographic content, and stop watching it immediately, I would say I’m safe.
Looking back the few weeks before this relapse and the relapse itself, it’s becoming more and more clear to me that porn for me is very addictive. Yes, I know the power that this addiction can have, but I guess what I’m trying to say here, is that where porn wasn’t as big of an issue in PMO as masturbation was, I think I’m understanding more of the grip and the hold that porn can have. It’s like a (terrible) need to see nudity and sex happening, just so my brain can have that sensation, that makes me feel good. But it’s a counterfeit. The good feeling only lasts for some few seconds and then I either need to have more of it, or if I stop, I’ll feel like shit. The feeling that addiction gives is a false sense of feeling pleasure. Well, I might be wrong with this analysis, but feel free to correct me.
Anyway, back to that anxious feeling. If I look at my day, and yesterday even, some good things happened. I had a visit from a friend I haven’t seen in a while, she just got married and I met her, her husband and her mother in law. Such lovely people. Then I had a really lovely conversation with one of best friends back from the town I grew up, and we had a good laugh. So no real reason to get anxious in that sense, I did what usually do during the day and just before I went bed I started feeling a wee bit overstimulated. And then, you know, when you’re lying in bed and all those embarrassing things that you’ve done come to mind, or when I acted like a jerk to someone or when someone acted like a jerk to me and I didn’t confront them or what not. Jeez. Im sort of re-acting those scenarios in my head. Fuck I hate that. Now, this happens quite often, but I rarely get this anxious about it. I also am having some issues concerning my Higher Power, where I just feel kinda disconnected there and that makes me sad and disappointed.
However, I know these moments won’t last, I guess I just wanted to vent and put this in words for myself. Anyway, if anyone of you lovely people who read this and respond, I appreciate you. I might not be able to get back to you straight away as it’s now 2.11 am, and I’ll try to get some sleep.
Ok, vent/rant over. Lots of love!! 
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For every negative, sad, and disappointing thought you have, also have positive thoughts, like talking to your friend, doing something that makes you happy, some place you have been etcetera. Hopefully the positives will outnumber the negatives. Hugs xoxo
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Big hugs Milile. Sometimes we are our worst critics. But I think you are one of the bravest and most admirable women I have had the honor to know 
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Thank you, that’s true! 
It’s not all negative. I suppose it was enough to throw me off, but having that space to vent here and after having some sleep I feel a lot better!
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We are, aren’t we!! Mind you, I did have rather anxious dreams last night, and what I can remember is that the Queen (of the UK), wasn’t somehow pleased with me or my work, it was some kind of crafts or whatever that we were doing. 
So got criticised by the queen! 
I mean I can laugh at it now, but boy was I anxious in that dream!
And thank you Becky!!! I couldn’t be this brave if it wasn’t for your and other’s continual support!
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A lot of people in PMO recovery would not have considered that a relapse. But you’re deciding to be honest with yourself. You’re seeking a good thing and that’s actually a sign of growth. I probably would have done the same.
Personally, for myself, just getting on Instagram would be at least level 8 behavior on my toxicity meter. (Level 9 and 10 would be resets) But I haven’t always held that view. Many times, I’ve used P-subs and didn’t recognize that I was actually creating an environment of moderation which ultimately led me to level 10 behaviors.
I think your analysis is pretty good. I definitely would agree that the pleasurable feeling is actually false. It’s a lie. And after using, once the dopamine wears off, I’m caught in a state of withdrawal, craving, obsession, irritability, moodiness, stress, and ANXIETY until my next using session which temporarily relieves these feelings that were created by the addiction to begin. And I confuse that relief with feeling good. It’s such a miserable hamster wheel.
So it doesn’t surprise me that you’re feeling more anxious than usual. That could be a symptom of the last using session.
I’m really hoping that you’re seeing the progress that you’re making. Don’t let the small number of days fool you. My sobriety is not an ultimate measurement of my recovery. You’re gaining better understanding of your mind and actions. And that will lead to great success down the road.
Thanks for sharing.
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Hey man, thank you for this response! Instagram can be such a rabbit hole, right?
And it’s very true, how the dopamine withdrawals cause anxiety also.
And thank you, yeah, I feel I’m in a different place than say a year ago with recovery.
Take care!
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Could you send me your levels, I wanna see if I can incorporate them into my technology addiction.
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Actually, my toxicity levels have nothing to do with my behaviors, but instead, they measure the state and condition of my own mind. Because what I’ve learned is that what I’m doing is not as important as what’s going on in my brain while I’m doing it.
So I’m not too sure if you’ll find it helpful, but I’ll provide a link that explains it in my accountability thread.
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Day 7.
This morning I really wished that I would’ve had my phone on silent and that I would’ve slept untill noon. Why? Because a friend of mine called and asked if I could substitute in this one local school for the afternoon club. I mean I could’ve said no, but on the other hand, they pay me for doing it. 
It’s just so stressful. I mean I’ve done it before, but school environment just triggers anxiety in me due to being bullied at school as a kid and then having one school year of working as a teacher’s assistant which was one of my worst years. And this friend knows this. It’s just I’m their last resort person, if they don’t get absolutely no one else.
Well, turns out, it went ok. It’s just not my favourite thing. I’m glad I get paid though. Money is usually not a huge motivator for me, but in this case it is. Anyhow, I usually just play all kinds of scenarios in my head before this and every time it’s been ok. The kids don’t always do as their told, they can get a bit wild at times, but I just kinda see that they need to blow off some steam after having to sit in classes and pay attention. I mean I know some of the kids and their parents, sometimes it’s not a good thing, because those kids really test my boundaries Anyway, having said all that, although I can’t say I’m glad I went, I’m still glad it went ok.
I did cut myself with scissors accidentally though when we were doing crafts. Gotta have some battle scars, right? And of course I covered it with a Moomin band aid.
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I’m glad you survived Milile Shake it off as another day down And you’re richer for it 
We can control those triggers… you got this!
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Thank you Becky! I suppose it’s a wee bit like with some allergies, I just have to desensitise myself in that environment
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Why weren’t you using the kids safety scissors? The ones with the rounded tips.
Anyway, glad to hear you survived. I give you a lot if credit for stepping up.
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Bahahahah, it seems that I should have! At least I didn’t run with them 
And thank you!
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Day 10.
I think this Christmas is gonna be fabulous! 
So, yesterday I was surprised massively!! I got a text message from a florist, saying they have a flower delivery for me (!!!). And when I got it, the card only said “Merry Christmas, Santa Claus”. But I tell you, what a lovely surprise!! Whoever did it, made my Christmas.
I also did one more substitute shift at the school on Wednesday, and they gave me a gingerbread house!! It’s gorgeous.
On top of that, I got a 50€ gift card to this one grocery store chain from the organisation where I volunteer.
We celebrate Christmas here on the eve, so tomorrow I’m gonna go to and spend Christmas with my godson’s family. I feel blessed that there are friends who are willing to take me in so that I don’t have to spend Christmas alone.
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Wow, that is Gorgeous!! Both of them. How fun that you have a secret admirer!!
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Thank you! Yeah, someone really loves me! 
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What a nice surprise. You ARE loved, Milele by us and many others too. They’re both beautiful!
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Awww, sweet Lisa! Thank you so much!! 
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