Morning guys! Need your wise advice 🙏🏻

[Blondie1x]

Hi All! I need a bit of advice from everyone here. All advice is welcome ….
This morning my husband has woken up to a message from his 21 year old niece out in the Philippines. My hubbies brother lives out there and has 3 daughters (21,16 and 15)and a wife. Every time we’ve spoken to him in the last 3 years or so he’s been slurring and pissed. The time difference is what we’ve been fracturing in so when we speak in the morning here it’s the afternoon/dinner time there so we just thought oh he’s had a few beers. He’s coherent for the most part but sometimes hard work. Our 21 year old niece messaged to ask my hub if he could speak to dad please. He’s drinking too much and he gets angry (not violent just nasty). She is petrified about him finding out that she’s reached out but says that he won’t listen to the girls when they speak to him about the booze. He’s a nice fella really. He runs his own electrical business out there employing a few people and his wife has a bar and a shop. Im thinking that the heavy drinking coincides with Covid (Asia being really badly affected) and then he needed a heart bypass (£20k) which he had to sell land to get so that’s an added stress for him. How do we approach this with him from so far away? My husband said he’s going to say the last few times we’ve spoke you’ve been on the ‘sauce’. I said calling it sauce makes it sound less serious. It’s alcohol… poison! Not fucking sauce . We are calling on your collective advice from people like me that have an addiction to alcohol. How did your family tell you, what resonated? How would you of wanted to be told? Help guys…… please

[Mno]

That’s a real hard one Sarah. So sorry. No real advice here, just a link to a thread here where a lot of experiences are shared concerning addicted kin, spouses and friends.

Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

I guess I’ll start. I got sober 649 days ago. And my wife still drinks. I have 2 children who are in recovery and made my life completely unmanageable during their late teen and twenty years. The best thing I did for that was find an Al-Anon meeting. It took me awhile to find a group I fit in with. But when I did. Bam!! I wasn’t alone. So many parents battling with their addicted children. My kids are good now. But my wife. She drinks wine all the time. And last weekend she went for the cock…

[Blondie1x]

Thanks Menno, I’ll have a read hope you are well and having a nice weekend

[Lisa07]

What a difficult position you guys are in with the brother being so far away. Not an easy discussion at all. Who wants to hear their drinking is out of control? I know I didn’t. I like your husband’s suggestion about noticing he’s buzzed the last few times you’ve spoken. I agree, it’s not fucking “sauce”. Let’s call it what it is…poison! Even if the brother brushes it off, the seed will be planted and he’ll never drink the same again. For me, once my excess drinking was brought to my attention by friends, I would think about those conversations every time I drank. I certainly didn’t take any action to get sober immediately, but those talks with friends played a huge part when I finally made the decision. Maybe your husband could make it a point to call his brother more often and casually bring up his drinking during each call. The more it’s discussed (even casually) the more it will weigh on the brother’s mind. Anyway, I hope others chime in with more suggestions.

[SassyRocks]

That is so hard …near or far, it is never easy when loved ones are struggling. I like what Lisa suggested, a lot. We cannot change others, only ourselves. And while this does not help solve the issue or pain it causes so many, it can help us control what is ours to control (which may be how we interact with and respond to the drunk in our life). Continuing to plant the seed and water it…having the conversation each time…sometimes that is the best we can do. And do not underestimate it. It can be a slow process tho for it to germinate. Loving people thru their hard parts can be challenging. And it seems unfair when we have to be the ones gently discussing over and over…but this is the essense of connection and love and care. It is heartwarming you have such a good relationship with nieces and care so much.

[emc2018]

I agree with @SassyRocks , this is certainly a difficult one and I think having loving conversations about it, from a place of compassion and understanding is one thing to do, however, I do believe it is very important to let go of any expectations and desired outcomes from this/these conversations. As has been said, unfortunately, we have no control over that of other people, only ourselves. Perhaps some conversations and support for you niece as she navigates through these difficulties, letting her know you are there and that she can call and vent to you. But to ensure she lets go of expectations too, as it can really hurt when you want people to change and do better but they don’t. I know from my own experience with my family.

[DLS]

I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents; my mom got sober first, they had split up already. One day my father came over around 10 am and he was buzzed. I forget the dialogue but at one point we were getting into a discussion and I said, “and you’re already drunk at 10 o’clock”. Well he left pissy but when he did get sober he brought it up, he said it really affected him.
Just be honest and maybe tell him how you’re doing it to live a better life.

[Blondie1x]

Thanks everyone for your replies . He rang and spoke to him and explained that he thinks he’s drinking too much. Hopefully he will of planted the seed for him to keep an eye on what he’s drinking. He’s tried to gently make him aware of the affects that it’s having on the girls so god willing he’ll take note. You guys are brilliant! Thank you

[Dazercat]

Hey Sarah.
Sorry to read about your brother-in-law. Especially when there are children involved. Even grown up ones. And being out in the Philippines gosh. Not sure what resources are out there for the people, like the girls, affected by his drinking.

It’s us loved ones that really need the help when living with an alcoholic. It’s such a destructive family disease whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

Not sure if I can help. But Al-Anon is helping me cope with my wife’s drinking.

If the girls can get on line over there then checking out

Electronic Meeting Page - Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc.

Or just reading around the Al-Anon.org web site could be helpful.

Tough spot to be in. Al-Anon has been a life saver for me.

[Blondie1x]

Thanks Eric, I think Al-Anon would be a great thing to mention. They’re really struggling to deal with it all. Since my husband spoke to him yesterday he seems to be intent on drinking himself whole . I’m definitely going to suggest that the girls check out the online help. I hope and pray he realises the damage he’s doing to those beautiful girls .

[Dazercat]

It sucks.

The book How Al-Anon works is a great tool. If they can download it on line. It’s kind of the first of Al-Anon books.