Well my friends, I think it’s finally time for me to say farewell, for now. Tomorrow, July 6th, I will once again go into the Courthouse. The purpose is to plead guilty, accept my sentence, and immediately go into custody to begin serving it. For those who don’t know me or my story, I’ll just bullet point it.
In October of 2018 I drove drunk, crashed my truck on the freeway and severely injured two people. I was arrested that night and released the next day. I have not drank since then. 10 months passed by, wherein I got sober, all the while nothing happened with my case, until August of 2019. The prosecutor’s office filed 4 felony charges against me, carrying a maximum sentence of 9 years in prison. After a little back and forth, they dropped it to one felony charge with an injury enhancement, (3 years each) but they would “stay” the sentence on the enhancement. So, as of today, I face 3 years in prison at 85%…(2yr 7mo)
Tomorrow, if my attorney is correct, I will begin serving that sentence and clearing away a little more of the wreckage of my past.
Today I can tell you, truthfully and authentically, that I am unafraid of what lies before me. Am I sad? -sure. Is it scary? - sometimes. Do I regret it? - To a certain degree, yes, because I feel bad for the pain those people had to endure. But all of this, this whole giant story I’ve been living in for the last 20 months has been profound, beautiful and utterly full of blessings that I can never regret or take for granted.
Today I can tell you, truthfully and authentically, that what I feel the most is GRATITUDE. I’m grateful that they weren’t hurt worse. I’m grateful that I wasn’t hurt worse. I’m grateful to be alive at all. I’m grateful for the time I’ve had. The time to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. The time to work and save and spend time with loved ones. Most of all, I’m grateful to have had this time to change.
I’m lucky, in the respect that this accident really shook me. I wasn’t sure, at first, if I wanted to get sober but, as time went on, I pretty quickly came to the conclusion that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol and I never wanted anything like that to happen again. So, I joined this community and went to a few meetings and basically white-knuckled it for 10 months. You can be sure that I’m glad I made those decisions and I’m glad that I stopped drinking but I don’t know if I can honestly say I was truly sober. I think I was a bit of a dry drunk. And when the prosecutor’s office filed those charges, you better believe I was ready to use again. I started to believe that I couldn’t do it without getting some help so I checked myself into an intensive outpatient program.
Best decision ever.
Through IOP, I learned to experience my feelings, instead of trying to run from them or control them. I learned to accept that my feelings aren’t facts, they aren’t in my control and they aren’t me. Most importantly, I came to see that my drinking and drug use were not the problem, they were actually the symptom. They were my response to the real problems, which lay within my self. They were my wrong answer to the questions I didn’t want to ask.
I hope that you can find a path that takes you where I’ve been. I think you may find that the most wonderful version of you has been here all along. Now you get to dust yourself off and shine again. And the best part is, you don’t have to do any of it alone. There are INCREDIBLE people out there who want to help you get better and better and better. Look for them and be open and honest. That, in and of itself, will make you feel better.
You are beautiful and you are amazing to me.
When you choose to be happier and healthier, even just a little bit, everyday, you make this world a better place for everyone you come in contact with.
It’s all at your feet. It’s all in your hands. And it’s all about love.
stay strong, you have grown so much and continue to do so every day. We will miss you, and we will hear from you again soon 
