I decided to open my own thread where I can vent and open up about my feelings, because I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit lately. Most of it I’m responsible by myself like I relapsed with alcohol 11 days ago (still 55 days without weed), but my mental health issues got something to do with it too (bipolar and borderline). I’m right now at the psych ward, been here about a week and I don’t know yet how long I’m gonna be in here… I’m gonna be here until I feel safe to go back to home. But there’s no rush, gotta just get daily routines rolling on.
I’m listening sad emorap and despite of all these confusing thoughts, I have clear plans for near future of attending open uni studies starting at fall and then attending uni exams at next spring which are pretty hard. But I’m confident, i"ve done it before, I got in, and I can do it again.
One good thing was that I was granted a part-time pension until 31.8.2026 which was great news because now I can focus on recovery and studies without worrying so much of money. Of course I’m still gonna be broke as fuck, but at least I have steady income.
Despite of feeling lost and hopelessness, I can see some real light at the end of the tunnel. I’m gonna survive. Thanks for being in here, soul tribe.
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.
Some real positive thinking in there bro. This is what I’ve come to realise these past few days, feeling sorry for myself ain’t helping, I need to take this fight to my addiction, plan, get a solid strategy going, keep busy, be tactical about it. It’s a real pain in the arse having an addiction to substances because they’re so easy to turn to when shit hits the fan. The only thing that can save us from ourselves is ourselves.
So true, bro. When we’re using or drinking, it’s so easy to numb ourselves, our real feelings. Feeling sorry oneself and selfpity are valid feelings at those moments, but in the long run they are just gonna make us worse. We have to take action and that can and should be a really beautiful experience although it can be scary at first. But in the end, only we can decide what to do with our precious and unique life. I think that’s really beautiful.
It’s 5:22am when I’m writing this. I can’t get any sleep anymore, so I decided to pick up my headphones and started to listen some sad emorap. I have noticed that when I’m in a better place, I usually listen roots reggae, but when I’m in a dark place, I turn into emorap and their lyrics about depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. Music is so important way to me to express myself, how I feel and how I’m handling my own mental health.
I’m eating 4 different meds at the moment and doctors wanna drop one of them off which is fine by me. I’m eating two anti-psychotics, so dropping one of them off makes sense.
My roommate is still sleeping. He draws a lot, really beautiful pictures and although we’ve been sharing the same room for one week, we haven’t talked to ourselves at all, not even saying casually hi. But I’m really happy I have his kind of silent roomie, because sometimes I’ve had some maniac persons who are talking constantly and driving me nuts.
A breakfast with two cups of coffee behind and I’m ready to tackle the day. I’ve been dealing with guilt lately because I was so rude to my cousin who contacted me after several years. He kept sending me some really disturbing conspiracy theories and I finally snapped and kinda told him to fuck off. I was sober then. He hasn’t messaged me since, but I feel sorry for him because we hadn’t been in contact for over 15 years and he just wanted to reach out. But I just can’t stand bullshit anymore. I’ve always been the nice guy, but I guess I have learned to set boundaries and if that means I’m an asshole, then I am.
It’s not about being an asshole you’re prioritising yourself whilst you get better. I’m all for that, dude you gotta watch out for yourself right now, do what’s best for you, build bridges again later. The single most important person right now is you and how you deal with this stuff.
You’re absolutely right. Sometimes I just get too emotional and find it hard to say to people what I really wanna say. And then it usually escalates and I eventually told them to fuck off and then I’m burning the bridges. But I’m learning to say no before I’m on fire and everything goes into chaos.
In here at the psych ward is a lot of free time. I’ve been too anxious and restless to watch movies/series or read books. Instead I’ve been listening to music a lot and pondering all kinds of questions. Today I’ve been sad mostly about my past mistakes, but also how fucked up my life is right now. I’m a total mess, 45 years old guy and I feel like a total loser who doesn’t have a future anymore. Of course I know that I can still achieve my academic goals, but sometimes, days like these, the thoughts hits hard.
I talked yesterday with my psychiatrist and he doesn’t want to let me go home yet because I’m too unstable and I might relapse again or harm myself seriously. So, they’re still keeping me here which is fine. But it makes me sad how lost I am. I used to be a very social person, happy, sober and surrounded by like-minded sober friends. After the divorce back in 2013 everything changed and my slow downward spiral started although I met an incredible woman, we got married, but we divorced around 2019. Since then my life has been a total mess and until recently I have some clue who I am and what I want to do.
But the sadness sticks. I know that in early sobriety all kinds of emotions comes to surface and brain chemistry is pretty fucked up. But time heals. I was sober for five years back in the days and those years were so far the best of my life. But now I’m gonna stay sober for the rest of my life, fullfil my dreams and live a happy and balanced life.
In the end everything is okay and everything is gonna be okay. Just gotta hold hands with the universe and let her whisper beautiful and comforting words.
The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.
-Barbara Kingsolver
@JazzyS and me decided that SAD translates to Secretly A Dinosaur.
What kind of dinosaur would you like to be today?
Just trying to lighten your spirits. Personally living with someone without conversation frustrates me tremendously. It happens here at home more than it should. I wanted to say that “it drives me nuts” but thought how insensitive that would be if me. Again trying hard for a smile.
You are in a good place and please keep sharing here. Keep reading, listening music and know you have a friend in me.
Wise words, my friend. I truly hope you’ll get soon your own place and a car. But I’m happy you all are safe at the moment. And yes, surrounding oneself with good and like-minded people is essential for wellbeing.
Haha, I love that Secrectly A Dinosaur, brilliant! Made me smile, thank you, my dear friend. I wanna be today a long neck dinosaur who eats leaves and shit. And I can totally understand how living with someone without conversation could drive you nuts. But I’m proud of you that you’re choosing positivity instead.
Yes, in the end I’m in a good place, I have my music and you, guys. Luv ya.
Another day ahead here at the psych ward. I slept okay thanks to sleeping meds, ate a good a breakfast and drank two cups of coffee. Now I’m listening emo rap while my roommate is drawing something. He likes to draw a lot which is nice. Today I’m meeting my doctor again in the morning and then I’m gonna visit home shortly. Let’s see what the day will bring out. I’m trying to stay positive, that’s the only way to live. I’m scared my doctor wanna send me home, but I’m not ready yet. I hope he’ll understand that.
Just met the psychiatrist and he decided to continue my treatment here at the ward. I burst into tears again, because I feel such a loser and a failure. I feel like I’m just a burden to everyone, to society, to my family, to my friends… It’s so hard to be a bipolar and borderline and at the same time an alcoholic and addict. I’m visiting today at home and coming back in the evening. Life is just so hard, sometimes it’s so hard to believe that will I ever survive from this? But I gotta just have to believe that someday life will be better and I can enjoy my life. Now everything is just so dark.
That’s your inner monologue telling you that. You know you said the other day your cousin was sending you conspiracy links and you couldn’t handle it so you told him to fuck off? Bro, do THAT with your inner monologue. It’s the same deal, it’s your addiction talking to you wanting you to give in. You’re strong my man, you’re still fighting that’s how I know. You’re valued more than you know, trust me
I truly believe in surrounding myself with more good then like-minded people
People always grow
When I was in highschool I surrounded myself with like-minded scum of the earth gang like friends. Eventually I feared for my life and had terrible episodes of depression and schizophrenia
Then
In my mid 20s I surrounded myself with addicts. Hense smoking heroin while on a blocked. I felt nothing but a fire like feeling on my skin. I could have died if I kept going and would have felt 0 pleasure
Now
I learned good people can be different. Good people can disagree but learn from eachother. At the moment I believe the universe is god, my current higher power. A church I want to try call the universe a place, not a person. The only way to find out who is right or wrong is to study ALL the material and believe.
I believe I’m good
I believe they are good
Yet not 100% like minded
I’m not a fan of labels as they can distort what’s true and can leave you feeling like a victim. What if you are just a man who has experienced a lot of trauma and hasn’t yet been able to release that trauma from your body? Isn’t that a better feeling thought than being “bipolar” or “an addict”? Changing your self concept is very powerful, something I’m working on right now, leaning into the beliefs that I’ve held for so long and choosing to change them into beliefs I want to hold instead of ones that don’t serve me.
The music you choose to listen affects your frequency ie how you feel. Music is very powerful and has been used against us, to make us feel lower vibrations and keep us stuck in those frequencies. Perhaps choosing to listen to classical music instead would help your mind and your soul.
I can share a couple podcasts that I think would be helpful if you’re interested.
Again trying hard for a smile.
