I generally view myself as a fairly awful person. Most people don’t see it, because most people have no idea what I’ve done. I’m judged by my appearance, not my actions. However, the secrets eat at me relentlessly. So, I’m going to publicly confess them here. You’re free to say whatever you want or nothing at all, but I’m hoping that by just saying these things, I can move forward.
Six years ago, I fell into a pit of depression. I have always been drawn to sexual activity, probably more than the average person (at least in my mind). As a result of the depression, I began pressing my wife into sexual experiences that thrilled me, but made her very uncomfortable. It involved other people, including a friend of ours. This eventually turned into a full-blown affair taking place behind my wife’s back. It only increased the severity of my depression. It was a vicious cycle, much like any vice. I would try to get out, only to come crawling back to the affair for more.
In December 2017, I took my very first drink. I loved it so much I was instantly addicted. I immediately began working to replace the affair with alcohol. I was drinking obscene amounts of alcohol every single day, putting on weight rapidly. My mental health began spiraling. In October of 2018, I broke off the affair for good and subsequently fell into a two-week bender. I was hospitalized two weeks later for several days on suicide watch. At this point, I was still denying my addiction.
I spent the next year mourning the loss of the affair. Drinking continued. Began seeing a psychiatrist. Was prescribed Xanax (the doc didn’t know I was drinking). At the one year anniversary of the affair coming to an end, I spiraled again. I took a handful of Xanax and drank a liter of vodka. Landed in the hospital again. Continued to deny the addiction.
Spent the better part of this past year still mourning the loss of the affair. This past October was so difficult once again, but I managed to avoid hospitalization as I was so determined to stay out of the hospital. The addiction persisted. I spent October and November blacking out most nights.
On Nov. 20/21 of this year, I once again pressured my wife into a sexual situation that was ultimately way more than she wanted and it even crossed my own boundaries. Due to my drunken state, I had no way to stop it. I was helpless because of my own addiction. This moment changed everything for me concerning alcohol. It opened my eyes to the awful addiction that has owned me for three years. For the first time, I knew I was done. I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t ever want to do that to my wife again. That was the moment I downloaded this app. I hate what alcohol has done to me and my family. I will never go back.
To this day, my wife doesn’t know about the affair. I don’t think I will ever tell her. I can’t. The damage that would bring is unfathomable. I still mourn the loss of it as it lasted nearly four years. It seems miraculous that it has never come to light. My sexual desires have not subsided and I’m not sure they ever will. However, I’m winning over alcohol, and that’s a big victory for me. Each day, I look forward to a new day without new regrets.
I’ve just said more to all of you than I’ve said to any person, ever. Thankful for the support in this group and the new direction in which my life is headed. Much love to all of you.
