My confession — my story

I generally view myself as a fairly awful person. Most people don’t see it, because most people have no idea what I’ve done. I’m judged by my appearance, not my actions. However, the secrets eat at me relentlessly. So, I’m going to publicly confess them here. You’re free to say whatever you want or nothing at all, but I’m hoping that by just saying these things, I can move forward.

Six years ago, I fell into a pit of depression. I have always been drawn to sexual activity, probably more than the average person (at least in my mind). As a result of the depression, I began pressing my wife into sexual experiences that thrilled me, but made her very uncomfortable. It involved other people, including a friend of ours. This eventually turned into a full-blown affair taking place behind my wife’s back. It only increased the severity of my depression. It was a vicious cycle, much like any vice. I would try to get out, only to come crawling back to the affair for more.

In December 2017, I took my very first drink. I loved it so much I was instantly addicted. I immediately began working to replace the affair with alcohol. I was drinking obscene amounts of alcohol every single day, putting on weight rapidly. My mental health began spiraling. In October of 2018, I broke off the affair for good and subsequently fell into a two-week bender. I was hospitalized two weeks later for several days on suicide watch. At this point, I was still denying my addiction.

I spent the next year mourning the loss of the affair. Drinking continued. Began seeing a psychiatrist. Was prescribed Xanax (the doc didn’t know I was drinking). At the one year anniversary of the affair coming to an end, I spiraled again. I took a handful of Xanax and drank a liter of vodka. Landed in the hospital again. Continued to deny the addiction.

Spent the better part of this past year still mourning the loss of the affair. This past October was so difficult once again, but I managed to avoid hospitalization as I was so determined to stay out of the hospital. The addiction persisted. I spent October and November blacking out most nights.

On Nov. 20/21 of this year, I once again pressured my wife into a sexual situation that was ultimately way more than she wanted and it even crossed my own boundaries. Due to my drunken state, I had no way to stop it. I was helpless because of my own addiction. This moment changed everything for me concerning alcohol. It opened my eyes to the awful addiction that has owned me for three years. For the first time, I knew I was done. I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t ever want to do that to my wife again. That was the moment I downloaded this app. I hate what alcohol has done to me and my family. I will never go back.

To this day, my wife doesn’t know about the affair. I don’t think I will ever tell her. I can’t. The damage that would bring is unfathomable. I still mourn the loss of it as it lasted nearly four years. It seems miraculous that it has never come to light. My sexual desires have not subsided and I’m not sure they ever will. However, I’m winning over alcohol, and that’s a big victory for me. Each day, I look forward to a new day without new regrets.

I’ve just said more to all of you than I’ve said to any person, ever. Thankful for the support in this group and the new direction in which my life is headed. Much love to all of you.


I’m glad you got to unload your demons here. I’m sure it wasn’t easy hitting that submit button. As far as your sexual deviance(s), therapy would be a good start. You’ve gotta unpack that mentally or it will only remain suppressed and become consuming.


@Desire2ChangeToday You are 100% right. And I plan to do that as soon as I can sit in a counselor’s office again instead of online. I have no safe place to do video calls, so that’s out of the question at the moment. Thanks for your kind words, friend.


Thanks for sharing man. Were all a little effed up here.



Opening a marriage is something that not everyone is comfortable doing. It sounds like you were open to it and your wife wasn’t, you asked her or coerced her a couple of times and it didn’t end well…so now you know. If your marriage is to thrive, you will need to be okay with her decision. I also hope you forgive yourself for being human. We all make mistakes and bad choices, what we do from there is what is truly important. :heart:

The affair is separate from your desire for a more open marriage IMHO. Whereas opening involves a great deal of trust and honesty, an affair is the opposite. So that is where your healing lies…Again, just my opinion.

I am glad you are working towards a healthier you and hopefully a healthier marriage as well. :heart: Great job opening up here and your hard work with not drinking!!


Thanks for sharing. You are not an awful person imo. We all make mistakes, cause we’re humans. You have decided to change and you do change - I think that’s what matters. But if you wanna heal, you have to stop beating yourself up and have to start accept what you’ve gone through and start to love yourself. You cannot heal while blaming yourself. Face it, accept it and move on. Don’t stare into the past for too long, because it will eat you up and will take the possibility away from you to create a better you - just like alcohol does.


“Just because something needs to be told, doesn’t mean it needs to be heard.”


Amazing that you shared! It’s wonderful to find a place you safe to share these demons. AA helped me a couple of years ago because when I shared the messed up shit in my life, there were always people who were like “yep, been there.” It made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Which none of us are.

Be proud that you’ve decided to find sobriety and start finding a new life without the ugliness alcohol brings to our lives. So much mess is often left in the wake of our addiction.

I’m going to start by saying (in my opinion) never tell your wife about the affair. I speak from experience that is not going to help anyone. I recommend working through that on your own to protect her. She sounds like a loving person who cares for you very much.

As far as addiction, the alcoholic brain is an effed up place. Working through our demons is part of trying to learn to live a healthy life but it is far from easy.

I wish you so much peace, strength and healing.


You are not a bad person. The fact that you’re here, already says enough, you’re not doing bad things on purpose. You are willing to take action. Plus, you were one of the first people to welcome me :slight_smile:

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Openness and honesty are the backbone of recovery. You have taken the first step. Well done.

I highly recommend seeking professional help without delay. Suicidal ideation is not something to let go unattended. The more secrets you keep the more your darkness will consume you, including adultery.


Hiya Ohio! Great advice up above. When I did my bio, I was in tears. It was honesty, to myself. I am hoping you felt a great big relief after writing that. I see a lot of negative emotion in your bio. In healing with all of that, and being sober, how about starting some positive ones while you heal? One great benefit of sobriety I have learned is that you can make wonderful great memories that you’ll love and harbor in your heart. We have a new year coming up! Many holidays and special days to plan sober wonderful days! Even with the pandemic, you can do so so much with your wife! Look forward Ohio… Work on healing today, plan excitement for tomorrow, and live happy :blush::heart: Sending you the strength of optimism and positivity!


Congrats on sharing and coming clean on your demons. This takes a lot of courage.

Not telling your wife about your affair is nothing but perpetuating the lying and the hierarchy of power you’ve established by it in the first place. You are still keeping ALL the power in your hands by not giving her a choice to make up her mind and deal with this situation you’ve caused as is right for HER. the damage you mentioned that it would cause telling you have already caused. She has a right to be her own person and to know the facts about the relationship she is in. This will be hard for both of you but everything else is downgrading and demeaning her ever further.

I have a lot of experience with open relationships, affairs, overstepping boundaries and discussing what’s fair and what’s not with my partner of 13 years.

Wishing you the best on your journey.


Um, YEP!! We most certainly are!


I have been in this situation and I hid it for years I than quit drinking and one day she told me she had a dream I was cheating on her. I convinced that I had but it was now over. There is a part of me that was like you idiot you didn’t have to say a darn word you could have just said baby it’s just your dream. She forgave me in words only and we stayed together another 2 years than divorced always having it been thrown in my face day after day. Saying all that I still believe I made the right choice only because it’s fair to her. I’m remarried now to a beautiful woman my x wife and present wife get along very well and are friends. I also have a friendship relationship with my X. Honesty as a way of freeing us and working things out.


@Bubonicphoniks Gosh man. Thank you so much for this encouragement. It’s so good to be among people who get it.

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@Tomek Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement. It means so much to me.

@SoCalBookworm You’re so kind. Thank you for your compassionate, kind, and wise words. :blush:

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AA definitely has a step where you are supposed to admit your transgressions and apologize but I will always keep from my husband what he doesn’t deserve to know. He’s too good of a person.

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@Olivia Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I’m not currently suicidal at all. That being said, I plan to get back into therapy as soon as I can start seeing someone in person again. No safe place to do video calls. Hopefully soon.

@Ravikamor Love this so much. Thank you so much for these thoughts. You’ve given me some really great ideas here.

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