My dad's dying, but isn't everyones?

Emotional Support
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It sounds cold even saying it.

My half brother called me before bed last night to tell me, our dad’s terminal stage 4 cancer, in his throat, bones and brain. He has a hospice nurse twice a week at his house, but has denied kemo treatment.

My dad has his own recovery story. He stopped drinking when he was roughly 55. He is 75, so he’s been sober for a bit over 20 years, which I applaud him for. When he divorced my mom when I was 4, he was 35. He spent 20 years in and out of a whiskey bottle. He had completed a 90 impatient program mandated by his work (USPS). He had been showing up to work drunk, but he was a foreman, so his union stuard had struck that deal. He only stayed sober for another 3 months after his return home.

He had effectively ruined my chances at an affluent life by allowing me to smoke cigarettes at 7 drink at 9 and smoke weed a13, smoking meth with him by 16… although I had free will and all.

Even after all that I had forgave him, after all as a parent we are all just doing the best we can. And that was his best, while he was drowning in that whiskey river.

But when he got sick he attacked my mother verbally in a text message, she insisted I read because it was so nasty, but I refused because it’s still their relationship not mine, and no place of mine to interject.

I stewed for a year, until I was gnashing with anger and was ready to assault him physically with a bottle of whiskey, pour it down his throat, give him the same chance he gave me… instead I sent him a nasty text telling him he was a shitty dad, since elder abuse is a crime.

Now he’s sick. And our season is cold I dont care. I told my brother it sounds like it’s his time and he’s ready. He responded angrily, “idk about that but he’s making peace.”

We’re all dying a bit, everyday, even if your thriving, at some level your dying. I would be lying if I said my own mortality isn’t front and center… when someone you know dies a piece of you dies with them. All those memories are now for you to keep and you alone.

Yea, I could use a drink. But this is pushing me even harder to not be like my dad, more than ever. Or be like him… idk he stayed sober a good 20 yrs and is actually a good example of what I’m trying to achieve. Trying times, but I won’t shed a tear…

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That’s a heart wrenching story. My thoughts are with you and your family, I’m glad to hear this won’t affect your sobriety :muscle:

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That’s terribly rough, but big credit to you for actively working avoid that same path and staying sober today.

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Yea actually it is. A tough one I struggle with already everyday, so it hit hard honestly when bro told me last night and it was hard to sleep. Ngl

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Thanks @les I have been riding a sobriety high cuz I hit 75 days over the weekend and this knocked the wind out of my sails but, I’ll rebound.

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Congratulations! That’s fantastic. That’s a great mindset cause you absolutely will rebound. Thank you for sharing this here. Keep at it man

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That’s so sad and hard. I hate to say it but our parents don’t deserve to be let back into our lives after they were awful just because they are sick or dying and THEY want to find THEIR peace. Take a deep breath. You’ve done what you can and are willing to do. Be there for your brother in his grief if you can but you dont have to do shit for your father. Unless you heart says it wants too. Also being sober doesn’t mean you’re following in your dad‘s example. You can do it better. Kinder. Your own way.

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One day, you’ll be in that position…
We all need to make peace with our lives sooner or later.

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@Imcrafty for my sake before I went to bed I sent him a text, it’s not much. But I did tell him I love him and I forgive him and ask he forgive me. I know God wouldn’t want me to hold hatred in my heart forever for my dad for something I had free will all a long to stop. Was he a bad influence sure. Was I ready to be a bad kid, absolutely. Not all his fault. @Fargesia perspective isn’t far from my own. I believe we all deserve redemption.

I’m glad I shared here, way better feedback than a sappy Facebook post, of course I’m able to explain myself better and without ridicule from my family.

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Honestly, this last comment gave me more hope for your recovery and your future happiness than any posted here. That is taking what we learned and working it. You don’t have to tear down your boundaries and let him in close to you but I know you would regret it forever not sending that text. What an awesome example you are setting not only for others but also for yourself. I’m proud of you.

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Sorry to hear about your father, whatever the story. Not easy.

Yeah. All who seek healing I think deserve to find it, and everyone deserves to seek it.

I’m third generation alcoholic. My father, and grandfather on the other side. Dad I give credit for. He got sober many years ago after a similar story to what you say. Though in my case he actually did try in his own humble way to try and set things right. We talk pretty often now. He’s still an ornery mf’er, but he’s good and sober and I’m actually grateful now we worked through it.

Getting sober I realized I had been holding a lot against him, even after he spent years trying to do better. I made some amends for that eventually. Did a lot for letting go of that resentment and clearing the air.

Grandfather though… I dunno. He didn’t really try. Then one day he just passed quietly. I feel a lot like you do about dad. I went up with an uncle to help clear his place out. Mostly just worked and listened to him talk about a guy I felt I didn’t know, leaving the ill feelings behind much as I could. There was some closure in it, but it was what it was.

To state the obvious though, now may be your last chance. Sounds like you have a clear head about it. I’d just say don’t let any resentments or fears keep you from any last connections or peace making. Maybe the text is mercy and grace enough.

But I’ve lost others since getting sober too. People I was closer to. Been grateful to be present enough that I could be there in those moments. Drunk I’d have missed them. They’re final and it can mean a lot for living without resentments to not look back on these moments with regret for words not spoken.

Anyway… Sorry to ramble. All to say, I can relate, brother. Go well and all the best to your dad.

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If I am ever toxic to someone’s well-being I hope that they have the boundaries and peace of mind to keep me at a distance without feeling bad about it.

I hope I am self aware enough to make myself a better person and make my amends before I’m on my death bed. I also hope that I don’t make other people feel responsible for me getting to pass peacefully. Being toxic and wanting to be forgiven at the end is not a quid pro quo.

All I was saying was that he could give what he wanted and felt was right to that situation but that he is under no obligation just because it’s family. He made the choice that was best for him and I support that.

Also I’m not arguing with you or being snarky. I promise. I understand your perspective and support that for you. I’m just trying to clarify my thoughts. I guess.

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I appreciate everyone’s feedback, truly.

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This is exactly where I am. I know it’s not all worth holding onto, it will eat me alive and I’ll certainly find myself drinking again, trying to cope, if I don’t let it go.

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All I can do is share some of my dad and my relationship to him. He was a good man but a lousy father and husband. He was a bit of an alcoholic but much more a workaholic. A womaniser too. He gave me a love for reading, for history, for righteousness, for justice, for writing. He tried to help me get a career in journalism. He paid for me going to university until i dropped out.

He wasn’t there for me as a dad. He disowned me and my sister in favour of his second wife. I spoke good words at his funeral. True and honest words. I loved him imperfectly just as he loved me in his very imperfect way. His death came as a relief to me. His death freed me of many shackles. His death was the beginning of myself becoming truly aware that I’m addicted. The beginning of recovery. To each their own and to each their own recovery. All in our own ways. Thanks for sharing.

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Exactly. Kinder, for sure. I had all but forgave him for all his short comings as a father, but when he talk shit to my mom, well she is an angel, and only helps people, hand to God, the only person that could never see that was my dad, blind by his own narcissism.

It was just the last straw, and I’m not willing to subject myself, wife or kids to his pitiful negative commentary. I have give him and I the peace we deserve to move on once he passes, and that’s that.

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Thanks. I’m glad I’m working on my sobriety currently. Honestly I know had I got this news a few months ago I would have spiraled out of control and with all that was going on with my marriage I don’t think it or I would have survived.

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So relatable. I hope I can do the same, come the time.

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Im really working on this forgiveness thing, I’m trying hard.

Words to express myself… Grief-stricken, still processing. I told myself I wouldn’t mourn my father after his systematic destruction of my childhood.

His sister, my aunt told me things about his childhood yeaterday, in an effort for me to understand, “why he was the way he was”

And now I’m holding onto generational trauma, that I feel like, should have died with him…

Staying strong and leaning on God and my sobriety because rn I feel like its all I have.

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