It’s good to see you back in the saddle.
If you’d like, come join us each day on the daily check in thread.
It is 2 a.m. here and it has been nearly 2 days that I am away from pornography. As I predicted, Nothing is going easy, When I give up the one, the other pushes me. I think I need to be more productive to lessen the time that my thoughts goes on the pornographic feelings, images etc. The most thing that I am experiencing is the anxiety which affects all my body but in particular my stomach… anyway, all the same cravings are being experienced. I remind myself this over and over again. The past is something to take lessons from. not a reason for finding excuses. I am not the one to give up… good nights.
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Hi my dear diary, I am back. It is around 1. 27 am now. And it seems high time to sleep. Today was a rough one. I had some pains in my chest, and felt some weird things in my body indicating that my withdrawals are continuing. Had no much thoughts on pornography. Just like the other times, when I took a walk in the streets and malls, it just felt lonely, and I was nervous about my progress. It is something pyschological thing that pornography has created in my mind. But it is really pleasing encountering and defeating the negative thougths and cravings on pornography. It is super confidential… see you tomorrow…
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It is 12 40 am . Yes, still living. Despite of many negative things in life, particulary which occur in my mind, I will hopefully go on my strike. Today was tougher than yesterday and I was like ‘‘Well, nothing seems pleasing, suicidal thoughts hit my mind, I am not better than of all time today but it will just pass’’ just consoling myself. I have just accepted that my addiction is on a super level And I am trying to manage the issue using all my strategies. Because it was just like the water that I drinked everyday. Today, had so much headaches compared to last day and had heavy chest pains which I believe my addiction has been causing because it has never been like this before I was sober. Anyway, I am continuing to resist whatever comes and I believe that the pains that I am resisting will simply turn into some gifts for my future. Good nights.
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It is 1 12 a.m. just going through hell. My mind is tempted heavenly by pornographic thoughts and I am just being called back to it. My mind just tricks me telling me that It is nothing bad If I get back to it. No, I will not do the tricky thing. I will stay strong. See you.
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Stay with it Cagatay. This will all pass. And tomorrow, you’ll be grateful that you chose to stay sober. Good job on not craving alone.
I relapsed, without using any pornographic content. Starting over
How’d it happen? Was there an action plan?
I think there was nothing to do. I have never experienced this much strong cravings. It was like neither I could sleep nor think healthily in that situation. This was the first time I thought that it could be the best choice to relapse. Now, everyting is at its worst. Need to rethink about my last go. I was so motivated but everything became just suddenly.
You had what I refer to as a moment of unclarity.
I’m assuming that you acted out solely with MB. Since you mentioned that you did not use porn. Could you clarify so that I can offer the best response?
Yes, right. I thought that releasing that energy might be good. But now cravings are stronger.
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I know for me, MB was a very tricky thing for me to deal with. In earlier years of my recovery, I simply could only focus on my porn use and simply didn’t worry too much about my MB.
The first time I was ever sober from porn for over a year, I was still masturbating almost nightly. That was in year 2005. I still deserved credit for not using porn for that time. Later, that year, I felt a desire to remove MB from my life too. But it had to be a positive desire from within to change for the better. Because when I tried to stop before, my reasons were all shame-based and thus, ineffective.
I just want to say @Cgty04 , “Hats off to you for not using porn.”
Using the porn intensifies the high and reinforces the unhealthy fantasy that women are only sex objects. I believe that it’s use makes the acting out experience much more traumatic.
Right now, MB and porn are both in my same bottom line. No need to separate them at this time. I’m sober 141 days from both. But if you choose to make separate tabs for each of them, I would support that.
I get what you’re saying that after relapsing in MB, now the cravings are stronger.
It reminds me of the principles of Reformers Unanimous.
“It is not possible to fight a fleshly appetite by indulging in it.”
We buy into the scam that this will satisfy us. Instead, indulging in any fleshly appetite only causes us to crave more.
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Thank you for your support Kevin. This time was a hard one. But I don’t know what makes me crave this much. It may be my negative thoughts. The last day was a lesson for me. I have to put more effort in it. Maybe Sometimes I ignore the things which will really affect my brain afterwards. I know the nature of my addiction and how it can affect me in anyway. I will take your words. Thank you for not letting me alone.
I made up a pretty good night plan for myself back in those days when I was trying to stop masturbation. I’ll try to dig it up for you.
Night time was the worst for me. Being all by myself that time, i was using masturbation as a sleeping pill. I sure wish I knew about that melatonin trick that others keep bringing up here. Probably would have made things easier for me at that time.
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Do a meditation time for at least 10 minutes just before going to bed pray to God and thank him for the day. Play your guitar in worship to him if you want. Humbly ask, not demand, that God helps you to sleep soundly at night without masturbating.
Wear comfortable clothes when going to bed.
Avoid sleeping on your stomach.
Stay active during the day.
Avoid naps and overly passive behaviors such as listening to the radio or watching TV while lying down on the bed or sofa.
Limit your intake of caffeine and refined sugar products to help you sleep better.
Don’t go to bed too early and don’t rise out of bed too late.
If you do masturbate, get up and put on a change of fresh clothes if necessary. Then spend another 10 minutes of prayer and meditation time. For the following day, plan to avoid distractions such as TV, movies, or leisurely reading, and focus primarily on your to-do list activities.
Remember that if you start to masturbate you don’t have to continue the behavior until climax, and if you masturbate once, you do not have to do it a second or third time.
When you rise out of bed spend another 10 minutes first thing praying and thanking God for the night and humbly asking for his blessing on your day.
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Really directive advices here. I’ll try to prepare a to do list for every part of my day. But the actual problem is that I feel stressed out when I get in public and feel like I am anxious about something. So simply I don’t feel relaxed and my mind tells me to find a way to release that high energy with this addiction tool. When I make my mind to canalise the energy that I am gathering into something good, I can simply do that. But not for a long time it goes that I lose the concencration on it and the mind starts to trick me to get me back to that crap. Anyway, I know that it seems like some kind of excuses, thank you for sharing me your strategies. You are such a great advisor!
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I am back,
To be honest, it’s been a rough past months and has been the worst part of my addiction where I realized everything is at the edge of an irreversible cliff. I do not even know why I am sharing it here just because my fate in this case is on my hand, I am trying hard, but from one point I cannot deal with any emotional burst. Yes, I can talk in a determined way sometimes but It just reflects a superficial confidence. That is the way it goes nowhere right now. I pushed god out of my life at this point. And not sure what else I could now depend on in my weakest moments. I have a girlfriend, I have friends, I have so many interests, hobbies but… I do not know I just try to figure out whether these craps are all just because of Pornography… but I felt that my taste has escalated drastically, I lost my sexual identity and now I just cannot think in a mature manner where I can examine what misses or what I must really do from this point onwards to change my mindset. Yeah, it is like… pouring out, and honestly what I need right now. I do not know if I has affected my sexual functions since I have not had a any sexual experience and it was my own choice but I am sure it had. But at this point I am careless about this, what counts is I want a mental clarity. As you all know, sometimes the words cannot talk. And I am in a great remorse that I wasted my college years by indulging in this useless, nonsense, fruitless, soul exploiting evil. I talked my Girlfriend about this. She supports me in all aspects and respects to my personality. But that is now not enough, cuz I am not respectful towards myself.
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Hey, welcome back. Nice to hear from you again. I know how you feel. Our addictions can be very degenerative. Each episode of acting out takes me further down the rabbit hole.
Don’t give up. Today is a new day. Today is all we have. Let’s just focus on being sober today.
Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you, I know that so many with this addiction share in common very much with me. And I also know that there is no another way than trying to overcome. But I feel that I lost the track where it will lead me to recovery. Now I am standstill at this point. And do not know what will be the next step. I’ll try to maintain this life then the tempting notions will pull me back to that hole. I will say “it is enough for once” but that is not the case. I will keep doing it so many times and it will take all the energy I have. That is the cycle all of you know.
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Hello, good idea! I have a diary, too. I am not writing it every day though. But when I feel like I want to it always helps me to sort out my thinks and emotions. When I write it I ussualy find a lot of answers to different questions. And it is how the diary works for me 
So far I am not reading through past notes but I believe that if I will do after year(s) it will be nice to see the hard way I walked. It will hopefully be a good memories 
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