My Family Doesn't Know How Bad it's Gotten

Day 1.
Here’s my story.

No one knows I will take a shot of whiskey at 6:30am. Coffee kills the odor. Drink before work. Drink on lunch break. And definitely drink after work. Reward a gym session with a night of drinking. It’s pretty sad actually. I always travel with a flask.

My body hurts; back, hips, knees, feet - everything. I move slow like I’m in my 60’s.
I know I’ve poisoned my body.

I worry I’m no fun without alcohol. Maybe I’m not brave without it. Maybe I’m not as funny as I think I am. Maybe I’m not as sexy as I think I am.
But I know I hate the pain. I hate falling asleep too early when I should have made love to my fiance. And I hated how I looked this morning in the mirror. I saw it written all over the bags under my eyes. I looked scary.

I’m scared. Of what???!!! I don’t know!!?!
I am around alcohol and drinkers all the time. Can I say ‘No’? We’ll find out.

Day 1. Here we go.

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Welcome. I came here on my day 1 as well, not having any idea how to live a day without alcohol - and I could have written many of the words in your post.

For me, I have to know every morning that I cannot drink no matter what. I cannot allow anything to make me pick up that first drink.

If I may give any advice - don’t go it alone. I also hid a lot of my drinking. I thought I was managing to hold it in the road - until I wasn’t. I had to reach out for help - here, in a recovery program in my community, through talking with other alcoholics… Through these measures, I have learned skills that helped me when not drinking seemed impossible.

You can do this. You don’t have to do it alone. Ask for help when you need it. Through the grace of God, these boards, and help from many other alcoholics, I am now 472 days sober - and I drank for over 20 years. Life isn’t always rainbows and roses now, but oh my goodness…it is so very much better on this side.

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Something that I found from not drinking is that, even if I’m less fun, I’m still happy with me. That’s where it all starts.
You have already admitted to us that you have a problem. And I thank you for being honest about that! Truly.
The next step for me would be to remind myself every day why Im not drinking… I literally felt the same way as you right before I started my recovery. My body ached, my kidneys in particular. I went and saw my Dr 90 days after being sober and she applauded me and said my body is already showing subtle signs of improvement.
My mother, a week ago, told me she felt like she found her son again. She had forgotten who I was and me being sober reminded her of the man I was before I fell off the wagon for just under 20 years.
Take it one day at a time. The rewards are greater once you cleanse because you can mentally start to rebuild where you want your thoughts to be and you’ll be motivated to achieve more goals! Bonus: your body will follow.
You can do this! Check in with us daily. We’re here for you!! :hugs:

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Mo-
Thanks for taking time to reply to my story. My brain is saying “well, what the hell else are you gunna do if youre not buzzed? Everything will be so boring!”

QQ: did you feel embarrassed going to groups in your community?? I am a bit nervous. I don’t want to admit to my demons out loud…in front of people!

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I can imagine the pride you feel/felt hearing those awesome things (Dr & mother). :heart:

Half of me wants to recover in silence - conquer this on my own. The other half wants to tell my family but I’m embarrassed. I don’t know what to do.

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Honestly, meetings help me battle. Get involved! AA is there to help me open up and understand why I feel the way I do and when listening to others share their successes and failures, I find myself connecting with their stories comforting me in believing I’m not alone! YOU are not alone.
I absolutely can relate to fear of admitting addiction. I was terrified! But once I let it out to my folks, friends and group, I could feel it in my heart that I was being true to myself. If others aren’t supportive, I leave them behind because I’m struggling and their judgement doesn’t assist me in my recovery. If they can’t be supportive, they have no place in my life.
I will never judge someone negatively on their battle with addiction. It’s real. It’s hard and it’s everlasting. Like I said, you can do this!
One day at a time. Keep coming back to this forum. Interact with us. We’re here for each other. Period.

PS feel free to DM me or others.

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Thank you!

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I feel this advice is critical for recovery. I abused pain pills for over 18 years and absolutely no one knew about it. The problem with going it alone is that you’re accountable to no one. You mentioned your fiance. Who better to support you than your future spouse? Though they will probably be shocked and probably think you’re exaggerating, it’s way better to hear it from you before something happens instead of finding out after an incident. Though I almost list my wife because of my addiction, in the end she stayed with me, held my hand through the early days in recovery, and our marriage came out the otherside stronger. It wasn’t easy, but as of today I’m 462 days clean.

Consider going to AA and if possible, get sober with a physician’s help. You’d be surprised how understanding doctors are, and they have a wealth of information to help you as well as prescribing something to help with cravings. Speaking of cravings, NEVER CRAVE ALONE Come here and let us know, let us help you. Each of your fellow forum members lean on the others to help us because no one understands an alcoholic/addict like an alcoholic/addict.

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Wow. This is powerful advice. I will check in daily.
Its 7am here and I already want a morning burn. I always tell myself as I pour a drink that I’m a huge piece of sh*t but I do it anyways. Maybe today I’ll be proud of myself.

Thank you for your support

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It may seem daunting to think about the future at the moment.
Don’t.
As has been said just concentrate on not drinking today.
Write down all the reasons why, so to can remind yourself, when the little voice starts to tell you that you are not as bad as you thought.
You have made the right decision, and as you get further into your journey, you will start to feel so differently about where you are now that you will find it hard to recognise that person.
When it comes to telling people, well this is difficult. You made the first move, you admitted to yourself. You have come on here and admitted to us. How you move forward is entirely down to you, but you will feel so much better if you are open with people. Get it all on the table. If you’re trying to hide it still, it will be difficult because there will always be the worry of who you have told what and keeping it all together would be like trying to keep a load of spinning plates up. Hard work.
If you’re honest with everything, then that stress has gone and all you have to concentrate on is not drinking.
Which, if you’re anything like me, was a hard thing to do at first. It does get so much easier. Believe me.
One of the first things I read on here was that this journey is life changing. That is very true. But you have to be prepared to change. Open minded.
It’s probably best if you don’t hang out with people who drink. Just makes it hard until you have built your sober muscles up.

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You know…when I finally went to my first meeting, I hated myself so much that I couldn’t be embarrassed. For me, going to AA (and finding this forum) was my last ditch effort to live. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t talk much - but I listened a lot. I met people who understood and who told me it was possible to live without alcohol - and then they helped me learn how.

In the moments when I romanticized it, I also thought life would be awfully dull without alcohol. What I can say now is that it is very different. I don’t wake up sick and remorseful, wondering what I said the night before. I can look myself in the mirror and not hate the woman in front of me. I’m learning, little by little, to cope with hardships and feelings without drinking them away. I’ve lost so much anger and resentment - and I’m so thankful to have a second chance to live again.

I heard one of the sober old timers say, “If your worst problem is that you are bored? You have a pretty damn great life.”. I try to remember that anytime I feel that old itch starting to come back.

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Day 2.

Was busy with work and travel around the city this AM. I find sparkling water as my replacement, delish.

Had a headache most of the day. I didn’t take any meds because I was punishing myself with the pain. Got home and put my feet up (normally when I’d pour a whiskey) and felt like a ton of bricks hit me. Napped for an hour and woke up heavy.

All good in the hood. But let’s be honest; my mind is telling me how much better a drink will make me feel. Sigh.

Staying busy on the computer with work.

Speaking of which : I forgot to share I own my own business and I have had a mental block around scaling. I’m excited to take my biz to the next level with a clear mind. :clap::slightly_smiling_face:

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Just stay strong and stay busy. I know how it feels to want to try and conquer the addiction by yourself. The truth is it is easier with family and friends knowing. They may be confused at first, but your true friends will accept and support your decision.

Water, juices, anything but alcohol. Get rid of it from your home. Throw your flask in the trash.

As far as attending meetings, I’m not an expert. I have never been to a meeting. This is because of my line of work though. I am sure they can be helpful. I’ve personally found this forum extremely insightful! It had worked for me so far…53 days and no slip ups.

Good luck on your sobriety. Temptations will present themselves. Just try and avoid them. If you can’t, be strong and find a way to deal with them until they subside.

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Congrats on the 53 days strong, Nate. Thanks for your support. Air High-Five & Hug.

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Yeah! Chest bump! I wish I could say it was easy, but there are challenges. You just need to focus on you!

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I’d rather be obsessed and addicted to sparkling water than alcohol anyday!
I smash so much sparkling water, I’m afraid I might drown internally. So many bathroom visits…

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@Mint4Greatness, I’ve been following these posts… you CAN do this! I’m 7 days in myself, as others have said… Keep reaching out, post, vent, whatever you have to do. This is a great community with someone always willing to help with advice and to listen. Best of luck with your journey. Know you’re worth it and keep up the good work!

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Day 3
I’m out of state with my kids on a work trip. I almost gave in. I’m tired and I can literally see the liquor store from our door. And it’s soooooo hot outside. Ugh.
But instead I had my sparkling water (Remind me to buy stock in Coke / Topo Chico).
Still feeling heavy in my head and sinuses.
Another long day on the ranch tomorrow - need to be focused on water water and more water.

BTW, you guys are awesome. Yall know about a part of me NO ONE knows.
I struggling with telling my fiance this week. We have an ongoing agreement not to drink when we’re not together but I always break it. I always drink. So we talked about whether or not I would drink when we see each other on Thursday and I held to being ‘On the wagon.’

And today I wondered if I’m strong enough to simply change my relationship with alcohol and not give it up completely. That’s a thing too, right? Like, there are those people who have one and walk away with rainbows shooting from their ass. I might- could (that’s right, I said might -could) do that??? What’s the saying “takes 20 times to create a habit” or something.
Now I’m rambling. I’m worn out and need to sleep.
Good night and here’s to the next day.

:heart:

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Thank you for the encouragement!! Rock on with your 7 days!!! Way to go! 8 - 9 - then 10 is going to be great. I’m really proud of you.

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