I enter the place where it’s held at the starting time of the meeting. I like the vibe of the building and the common room, get offered a cup of coffee by a girl and sit around for 10 minutes. I finally dare to ask if I missed the meeting or if there is a meeting or something. Girl goes owwww, rushes me through a corridor while I’m trying to back out, saying I’ll be back later. Girl assures me they love newcomers and love it when they enter late too.
A guy behind a desk, three others there and a guy on a video screen. They all look at me like they are happy to see me. What is that supposed to mean. They don’t know me. One is reading from a book. I can’t hear clearly what he’s saying. Then another guy reads some text I cannot understand either. WTF is this. Two banners on the wall with the twelve steps and the twelve traditions. A whole lot of the word God in ‘m. OMG. I have walked into a religious cult.
Then the guy on the video screen is invited to speak. The theme is the Higher Power. Of course. I don’t pick up much from what he’s saying. He’s telling of his alcoholism and how AA saved him I guess. I don’t pick up much from it. There’s a knot in my stomach. What am I doing here. I hope I don’t have to share or something.
The video guy speaks beyond his allotted time and has to be stopped by the chair. The chair invites to attendees to share. Oh no. They all tell something but I don’t really register what it is. Actually I do, now I think of it. I’m close to tears and I have no idea why.
The three guys all have said something. It’s my turn, even though I know it’s OK not to say anything I do speak. I blurt out something about me not believing in a God, my sober journey so far, my non sober life before and how I feel now I need something more than just being sober. That I doubt this is the place for me. I get understanding nods and smiles. The chair shares himself, again I hardly register what he is saying. Something about seeing god as you yourself see him I think. Then the meeting ends.
Immediately after it ends I’m approached by two of the guys. They seem very happy to talk to me. Again the feeling of this being a cult creeps up on me. But I do like the conversation that follows. A lot. A guy gives me his phone number and asks me for mine. Surprisingly I give it. I’m asked to join the others for an aftertalk, it is their habit that they share a simple bread meal after the meeting.
I like it. It feels right. I like this place. I like this guys. Again I feel tears stinging and I don’t know why. They sting now that I’m writing this and I don’t know why. I’m going to find out. I will be back here. Will try another group, might try NA. I will be back.
I just read a leaflet one of the guys gave me called ‘the “GOD” word, agnostics and atheists in AA’. Meaningful shares and insights to me. I should be in bed and will be shortly but I needed to process this a bit. Thanks for reading if you made it here. And big thanks to @aircircle and @NewPerspective for taking the time and effort to encourage me to actually get inside tonight. And to Dennis from Montana who I met somewhere else on the net, who has been a member of AA for decades and has inspired me to go where I went tonight. Love from Amsterdam.
