My journey away from P/MO

P/MO has been an issue for me since I was a young teen, maybe even younger than that. I have had a few sober periods, some stretching into months, but otherwise have been addicted for more than half my life. I’m married, kids, home, car, job, church, etc.

Only a handful of people have any idea that I struggle. My wife knows but we do not discuss specifics. I made that choice to protect her heart. Two friends know a bit, but they’re almost acquaintances. That’s about it.

It wastes my time, my emotions, my love. It makes me irritable, impatient, sad. It contributes to anxiety and feelings of depression. It steals my integrity. It damages my relationship with God and makes it harder to hear from Him. I sometimes think He sees me as a lost cause, doomed to struggle and fail until the end. It makes the lies seem true and the Truth seem like a lie.

I am drawing a line in the sand. With His help, with your help, I must change.

2 days sober now. The cross before me, the sin behind me, no turning back.

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Hi Jesse.

Welcome.

Just wanted you to know that you’re not a lost cause and you’re not doomed. There is hope. You just need some help. And this is a good place to find it.

Fellow PMO addict here.

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Hey @jnd, there’s a solid community of us on here all experiencing recovery from this in different ways, at different times in our lives. Stick with it. I didn’t think it was possible to stick to it but I’m at 122 days now.

Wishing you all the best. - a fellow J

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Welcome @jnd! Here to help however I can.

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Welcome @jnd there is a very supportive community here and several threads dealing with out specific addiction, check them out and keep coming back.

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Hi and welcome. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you’re reaching out. Remember that we are all sinners. Romans 8:1 says There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. God knows your heart brother. Stay strong and continue to seek Him.

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4 days sober. Thank you everyone for your comments and encouragement. I was very glad to read it all.

I already feel more patient, more joyful. As though some power has come back to me. I feel tempted a few times a day, whether to lust and fantasy or to go online. So far I have not had a hard time resisting. It seems to be easier each time, or at least not harder. I pray, remember the timer on here, and remember this community. I feel a burst of energy and happiness each time I resist.

I can’t imagine ever going back.

If there’s anything in particular that has helped you, I’d be grateful to hear it.

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Jesse, congratulations! 4 days is great.
What are some behaviors that you’ve recently incorporated into your life to help you get more success?

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This community for certain, as well as the timer on this app. I also consider how I’ll feel after (awful) and how it will damage my integrity. That’s it so far. I would like to form new habits as I understand that’s part of rewiring the brain.

Can I ask what has been helpful for you?

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Well, if one looks at my read time on TS, one can see that I have 6 days of read time within the last 100 days. That tells people that I’m on here A LOT. I make it a best practice to read every single new thread on TS. And I will set most of these threads from “normal” to “tracking” so that they appear on my “unread” section. That way, I don’t lose track of any new posts, and I continue to catch up on these threads.

Reading and engaging other members helps me to demonstrate that I’m reaching out for help. And I need it! By responding to you, I’m actually helping myself. So thank you.

It’s amazing how much I see myself when others share of their struggles even when our addictions are different.

I see that your read time is 3 hours, but you’ve only been a part of TS for 4 days now. So that’s pretty good. Keep reading.

Also, I keep really good boundaries in my life. Since I am weak, and have very little self control, it’s important to me that I try to stay away from all triggers.

So I cannot watch TV alone. (My family keeps it password protected.)

I allow myself access to only limited sites on the internet. Everything else is blocked for those moments when I lose clarity. And I lose clarity A LOT.

Most importantly, my phone has it’s web browser disabled. It’s on lockdown.

So if I want to act out, I’d have to go buy a new device. Usually, I regain my clarity before I get to that point.

I work smarter, not harder.

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Thanks, very helpful!

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Almost at 5 days now. Stronger urges today.

Feeling very glad and still have joy. One day at a time.

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This is from the Adversary, the Prince of Lies, not He who would leave the 99 and rejoice upon finding the 1 who was lost. He loves His prodigals. I know this, for I was one of them.

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Thanks brother. Today has been harder than I expected. I have a set pattern of behaviour that is proving difficult to overcome.

It feels like white-knuckling will only take me so far unless I am simultaneously creating new habits.

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This is true. You must actually rewire your brain. My DOC is alcohol. I found 5:30 pm to be my challenge, always looking for and forward to that first drink, and when I didn’t have one, I’d get fidgety and I would start to think about it. This created a feedback loop, and I needed to break this.

So I would walk. 5:30, close the laptop, turn on the Jocko Podcast, and walk for an hour. After about 3 months of this, I started taking martial arts classes. Brain is rewired to the point where 5:30 my mind and body switch into Krav Maga mode.

Got to create those new, healthy rituals to rewire the brain.

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And I see you’ve just completed another hour of reading. That’s real good.

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Thanks guys. 5 days and 4 hours. Going to read for a while, pray, and head to bed.

Still not sure what to introduce as a new habit. For now I will try to avoid the triggers that I know will bring on urges.

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Good evening, but tough night. After some spousal intimacy, went straight to sleep but had nightmares for the first time in a long time. I’m assuming it’s linked to intimacy and addiction withdrawal. In any event, it was unpleasant.

Woke up this morning groggy and impatient. I’ve heard that there can be a sort of hangover effect when you’re resetting your brain if you engage in positive intimacy.

Just listened to some John Denver, strangely enough, and it was enough to lift my mood. https://youtu.be/1vrEljMfXYo

Going to spend some time with God now and then off to work.

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Id recommend meditation and exercise, and different varieties, strength exercise and endurance, they may not produce the best results for muscle gain when combined but surely decreases cravings and makes the Body a lot more healthy

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I can’t go on YouTube.
I have it blocked.

:slightly_smiling_face:

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