Hi I’m Ajiro and I’m a porn and masturbation addict and last night was my bottom line I relapse twice in two days to hardcore porn and I couldn’t take it anymore I wanted to end my life I’m tired of relapsing falling behind, going two or three days only to fall back again I’m tired of this vicious cycle I wanted to end it all so I can finally have peace and be free from this torment I don’t want to live like this I’m 31 years I’m single, not married never really had an serious relationship apart to porn and masturbation watching this porn and masturbating was the hard knock to end my life a friend in recovery pleaded for me not to do it so I’m going to yield but have promised myself that this is the last time and I know have said to many last time and I know also it’s not by will power so I want to be accountable I want to be active in the porn addict anonymous meetings and recover, I want to be better. I noticed after my first relapse to porn I numb the feeling and never really talked about it I’m not making that mistake again. Please I need help
I’m starting again from Day 0
I will be updating my progress here throughout the end of the year
Welcome back to the forum and congratulations on making the decision to better ur life! I am not too familiar with ur addiction (my addiction is to drugs) but there are many people on this forum that can provide some great advice! Just wanted to welcome u again and send u so much strength as ur go thru ur journey of recovery. Hope to see u posting more!
Welcome @Anonymous2022 - my name is Matt, and I am in recovery from lust. Porn and masturbation have been a big part of it, but there is a whole mental element too, the way I use my eyes when I’m out in the world. I use the words “addicted to lust” to describe it because for me, the porn is just a symptom.
I found that my struggle started young. I didn’t realize then that fixating on the sexual in the way that I did (and do) was not normal. Even things like a smutty romance novel, when I was 11; I found it in my house and instantly found the sexual passage - writing only, no pictures - which I brought to school and showed to my friends (my teacher confiscated the book). At the time I’m sure everyone brushed it off as pre-adolescent curiosity but looking back I realize now that it was one of the early signs of my problem.
There are many more examples - decades of them - but they are not things I want to go into detail about on the public internet. The way I essentially reduced everything and everyone to a sexual object - props or stock characters in my addiction-drenched mental-emotional fantasy li(f)e - is textbook lust, every hour of every day.
It is possible to find freedom. In my case, Sexaholics Anonymous has been extremely helpful, and I have learned through the SA program how to see things more clearly, and act with commitment and honesty. If you want to connect with a group, reach out to them; their contact information is at the bottom of this site: www.SA.org
Don’t give up, it works if you keep searching and keep practicing, one day at a time.
I’m Day 1 clean to Porn and Masturbation
Day 2 clean to Dating Apps
Thank you for this
Thank you @Butterflymoonwoman
Wow! Thank you for sharing with us something that is filled with such shame and helplessness. I also struggle with PMO addiction, and know the despondency of not “getting better”. However, suicide is never the solution. It just transmutes and transfers your secret pain to others. What you have done by coming here instead is so courageous, and an act to live. I am so proud of you, and you should be even more proud of yourself!
You’re not walking this alone. So days will be awesome, other days you’ll relapse. Even if you relapse 1000 times, by getting up and starting over you haven’t lost. Each time was a practice run, each time you get stronger and heal a little more. That’s something to celebrate.
You have said in your heart I cannot do this alone, and here we are to help! So, welcome! You are amongst brothers and sisters who are dealing with the same/similar struggles, and this has been an online family that’s been there for me when my real family hasn’t!
Thank you for trusting us, and I’m glad you’ve chosen life. It’ll be worth it!
Thank you so much @ICanAndWill for this message it means a lot 
Day 2 clean from Porn and Masturbation
Day 3 clean from Dating Apps
have done some academic work now heading to read the scriptures
Day 3 clean from Porn and Masturbation
Day 4 clean from Dating Apps
Day 4 clean to Porn
Day 5 clean to Dating Apps
Day 0 clean to Masturbation
I relapse to masturbation with a phone naughty conversation with a lady last night what they call phone sex and to me I see it as a relapse
My head hurts
I relapse to porn
Relapse to masturbation
Relapse to dating apps
Even after I nearly committed suicide this week I still relapse
i have relapse three times this week
Hi Prince, Im sorry to hear about ur relapses. Im not too familiar with recovery from ur addictions but i think there are potentially website blocking apps u can download to make it harder for u to go on certain websites. I could be wrong, but Im pretty sure Ive seen others post about it on this forum. Maybe someone else can provide more insight on this. Also, i just want to say, that Im glad ur still here with us. Sounds like u were in a very dark place and I hope that u feel differently today. Take it one day at a time. Come on here when u get the urge to relapse so that we can help u thru it. U dont have to be a slave to ur addictions any longer.
Thank you for this
Youre so welcome! How are you doing today?
I’m better today thanks
Have started Day 1
You’re being pretty hard on yourself @Anonymous2022 , if I were you I would be compassionate and treat yourself like your best friend. Forgive yourself, find out what contributed to the lapse. Were you angry, bored, anxious? Stressed? Lonely? Turn this into a positive thing and address the issue, whatever it was that drove you to do it.
Just focus on today man, it’s all good. You made a mistake, you’re human, that’s okay. We’ve all made mistakes, lots of ‘em, give yourself grace and ask a power greater than yourself (God?the universe? higher self?) to be removing from you lust from now on.
Thank you for your encouraging words
Have relapse to masturbation and going on dating apps after 3 days clean