It’s funny that those of us who aren’t drinking feel we need to hide our non-alcoholic drinks and not the other way around.
The social pressure that accompanies alcohol is no joke. Drinking alcohol has taken on all sorts of communal significance: Alcohol as a bond of solidarity: Alcohol as a socially acceptable acknowledgment that life is hard. Alcohol as a common denominator.
When we decline a drink in public, it’s as if we are declining to participate in the social order/ game. By not drinking it can feel like we are rejecting our friends and colleagues.
The reality is often that many of those people who egg us on to keep drinking are dealing with consequences of their own from drinking. I remember after I had stopped drinking, I went to a friend’s beach house and I watched her ten year old son pick up her empty bottles, waving them in her face. Her husband and son repeatedly mocked her about her drinking. Another friend who even now, after I’ve been sober six years, still encourages me to drink, came to my house with a black eye. He had gotten blackout drunk the night before and watched as a man at the bar pulled my friend’s wallet out of his shirt pocket and beat him up. My friend was too drunk to stop it. He won’t stop drinking though.
The people we are trying to fit in with by drinking are often in unenviable messes of their own because of alcohol. It’s like we all feel this pressure from each other to continue something that nobody is really enjoying that much anymore.
For me I realized at a certain point that I just cannot care what other people want or expect me to do. It’s not worth it. If they think I am an asshole for abstaining, then so be it. The peace of mind I now have going to bed sober and waking up sober is so much better than the guilt and remorse I felt when I drank.
The health benefits of sobriety make me feel good and strong. I like the idea that I am putting water into my body and not poison. I don’t get sick like I used to. My body is in better condition. I’m happier now that I’m not dumping a depressant down my throat.
I can tell you that my life is better and easier and less stressful now that I’m sober. I can tell you that I haven’t lost social standing and that my good friends not only respect my sobriety but some have changed their own drinking habits as a result of seeing me sober.
I can relate. One of the hardest parts of becoming sober was not only saying goodbye to the bottle, but leaving that the lifestyle behind, (it really is a lifestyle). And a part of that lifestyle was the “friends”. But you know what, they weren’t my friends. over 2 years sober and not a single one of my old “friends” called, or text, or sent a FB message asking how I was, not a single one; and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve made new friends who really care about me, not just caring about a good time.
I know it feels like you will lose a lot, and that might be true in a away, but what you gain is 100 times better. Dont just take my word, at least 5 people will agree!
Five months in I’m seeing exactly what you’re talking about! It’s kind of shocking to me because I had never noticed before. Those same people that I drank with also have their alcohol issues that they’re dealing with. I’m so happy I’ve started my sober journey
Wow. I feel as if I wrote this. I also felt like I could mostly do moderate drinking and other times it took over. Blacked out many times too, maybe twice or 3 times a year despite drinking hundreds of days a year. Some of us are just not cut out to be drinkers. I am one of those people too…and I’m realizing that is totally okay.
I think you/we/all of us are in the right place here.
Yes! 1 month is would amazing to achieve! I often wonder myself what/who id be like without drugs getting in the way. Let’s do this girl! Let’s strive for 1 month
I understand completely. I spent years doing those same mental gymnastics and trying to figure out how I could drink normally like everyone else. It was so tiring! I could go awhile without drinking a few weeks or so, but then I would want some wine with dinner or we’d be hosting or attending another party and I’d get wasted. Normal, right? It was for me as I had been drinking since I was 15 and it was simply part of me and part of life with friends and society and all that.
But my inner life? Messy…real messy…and it got way worse as time went on. I would try everything to figure out the secret of drinking without getting blackout wasted or embarrassed wasted or humiliating wasted or dangerous wasted…you get the point. I never did figure it out…eventually I would always end up blackout and feeling depleted, depressed, even suicidal at the end of my drinking career. I wanted so much to “be able to drink”… But what I was really missing was that the drink was causing all these issues in my life…my anxiety, depression, low self esteem, anger, frustration and on and on…to say nothing of how physically horrible it made me feel. I won’t say I never feel any of things now in sobriety, because I am human and humans feel it all…but those feelings aren’t amplified or heightened as they were with alcohol, and now I am able to feel them without wanting to escape and dull them.
So yes, you are in the right place. Honestly, you can try for moderation all you want, lord knows I spent many years on that quest. But for me, I found that right now being sober feels much more manageable and I feel really really good. I don’t worry about forever and being sober forever…I stay sober right now because I just felt so damned shitty trying to continue being a drinker. It wasn’t adding anything to my life, it was taking it. I wasted way too long at that party long long after it was over.
So, I hope you will stick around and read and interact and see who YOU are behind the alcohol and your drinking persona. Living sober is a possibility for sure and you do get used to socializing sober and realizing you will feel amazing the next morning and be regret free…that is a strong motivator for me.
Looking back sometimes, I think I was never the moderating type of person in no part of my life. Only now, slowly and with time I can feel a kind of inner peace and trust in life that sooner or later everything has a sense, a meaning. Not at the moment. Atm I try to dig a hole and hide inside. Won’t work, I know.
In early sobriety talking about abstinence or never ever again was detrimental for keeping on track for me. I am not a real AA follower even if I think most of the points you find in every spiritual concept or recovery program. One is still the most important, though: one day at a time. Today is manageable, tomorrow is a new today and I can think about my sobriety anew. Today I had to focus on staying sober. Not taking the old route down to the wine section every afternoon. Drinking, sitting still, drinking, crying, falling in bed, awake early in night, thoughts spiralling and crying, watching myself in the mirror the next morning, looking like wtf, why again.
@Alliecat, Alliecat-thank you, I’m glad your life is better & you see that! It gives me hope.
I do also think the social side of it is backwards. I guess that’s years and years of brainwashing corporations advertising? Still strange how poison is glamorized & the “normal” - trying to make you feel like you have issues if you don’t imbibe.
yes I’m sure they have problems. I guess we gravitate to each other. They don’t care though, they have husband’s who like to drink & don’t get stuck like i do. So they don’t think it’s a problem. Today they already went to get margaritas at lunch & said they prob drunk already. I stayed home and got xmas decorating up. Trying to fill my time for today.
@Dejavu - i noticed that with my home friends after i moved. I think we were all just escaping together. Not much substance to those relationships even though we all went through a lot together. Tough to realize that. I’m hoping this group in our new community isn’t like that. One friend wants to drink less too. I do want to find more people without losing the ones I’ve found. Thank you for the perspective
@SassyRocks - thank you - sounds very familiar! I think my issues do actually get worse when i drink more. But for some reason we still do it to ourselves
@anon74766472 yes! I’ve done that mirror morning hating myself - again & again wondering why i did it AGAIN! Uggggh so dumb & exhausting. I have always been a “go big or go home” mantra person. But i can’t let that creep into alcohol, but i guess along the way it did. I’m working on accepting i can’t & have to be better.
One day at a time is sounding like a better approach instead of thinking about forever. That is a scary word, no matter what sentence it is in.
Yeah, never ever again is sooo long. Still gives me the creeps no matter what I am thinking of. Forever is also difficult. Hell, what do I know about tomorrow. When I was like 10 years I thought I’d be married and having kids in my mid twentys. Haha, now I am 39, not sad about having no kids.
Not that I don’t like kids but not for me in this life.
I can totally relate to this. I’ve tried the moderation and eventually I just always get back to the point of drinking til I pass out. You will figure out what works for you & what you truly want. Unfortunately for me as much as I wish I could drink a couple and stop like a lot of people, I know that I can’t. I just take it one day at a time, & still learning that I need to avoid certain situations for awhile because of the pressure to drink. I slipped Thanksgiving after saying no like 3 times. I’m still mad at myself, but at least I learned to just avoid certain situations until I’m confident I won’t give in.
@anon74766472 i hear that! Didn’t think I’d make it to 30! Never had my own kids either. It’s all good! I have a kick ass step son though we don’t live near him anymore - so that’s hard, but seeing him for the holidays soon!
@anon51903143 - I’m sorry you slipped. I’ve had to avoid some events because of that fear. It’s all good until we get solid back up safety plans. If I’m out mine is cranberry soda & lime. Good news is your here and reflecting on it!
I often talk with “normie” friends of mine about drinking… They don’t have this type of inner conversation. They have a drink, they don’t think about it. They drink too much, they feel bad, and still they don’t think about it. They also aren’t prone to lying about their intake. If you are trying to decide whether or not you should quit forever: you should.
I tried to quit the first time over half of my lifetime ago - 30 years. Guess what - I still have those conversations with myself, often looking for a reason I can still drink and be OK.
@EarnIt - well that’s an interesting perspective on it.
I think I’ve always thought about it because of my family growing up and eventually being scared I’m the same. I get your point though - they don’t have issues with it!
18 days down. Guess i might use this as a journal thread. I tried writing in an actual journal, but i seem to be in here more then a real book right now. So i will keep track as I’ve seen a few others do in here.
Shooting for the December to remember month as an initial goal. My husband isn’t doing it with me like he suggested, in all fairness i didn’t specifically ask him to. This is probably the worst month to re-start with considering the holidays and all. I usually try to drown my self on xmas eve - the day my dad died suddenly many years ago now. Not sure why it still bothers me so much. And my friends like gingerbread house making with booze & his family lives mimosas on xmas… Etc etc…
Overall feeling good i guess. Started walking up at 3am again- Minus the alcohol sweats & racing heartbeat thankfully. Got a horrible neck pain past couple days too, so i haven’t reached my workout goal this week, but i did plan meals for next week (small victory).
Not sure why i was so tired yesterday. Braved the neighbor kids birthday party with my own grapefruit juice & sparkly water. Left right after cake, before my tumbler was empty & before all my friends got too tipsy - that’s normal on a Friday, Sat & Sunday around here.
Who knows what today will bring - but I’m not drinking. Just reminding myself - It’s not worth the migraines, hives, or throwing up & trying to “be normal”. So i might leave my friends earlier in the night then before, they’ll get over it
Never had my own kids either. It’s all good! I have a kick ass step son though 
