First time posting here. Been trying to get clean from drugs for a while now. Although I’m not “addicted” in the sense of every day use, when I do use, I tend to go too far not knowing my limits and usually make huge mistakes.
Nonetheless, this weekend has pushed me to the edge to the point of fearing to lose the love of my life. I no longer can look at myself not recognizing the face. Part of me thinks that I’m a terrible person and I deserve everything that comes to me but my fighting side wants me to take ownership of my actions and try to be the person I aspire to be.
I’m not sure if I’ll succeed in this but I need to try. If anyone has similar experiences or words or advice on how I can overcome this long rainy walk, please let me know.
PS. This community really is amazing. My only saving grace was reading your messages and not feeling alone today.
And that’s the side that will succeed. It’s a fight but if you stick with it one day at a time, and you ask for help and keep and open mind and work it, you succeed.
Welcome to Talking Sober!
You said you feared you might walk alone, but you’re already choosing not to do it alone by posting here. That’s a step already.
I think a lot of us do have similar experiences - many people here were not daily users of our drug or addictive behaviour - but what we all have in common is we all decided we wanted to stop numbing ourselves with our addiction, and we wanted to be present in our life, learning and moving forward, not being stuck.
I think there’s some questions we all have to face in the early days - im curious about your answers:
What are some of the changes you want to make? What are some of the resources you’re going to use to get there? Are you willing to ask for help? What help do you need?
Hello and welcome. I was in a very similar spot two weeks ago. I had finally had enough. I wasn’t a daily drinker but when I did drink I certainly had no limits. No limits led to a lot of regrets. I hated getting up in the morning. I was depressed, anxious, regretful, nervous, sad and sick. I wanted to make it stop but couldn’t figure out how. Then I found TS and this fabulous community. I feel better than I have in years. It’s amazing how similar experiences and a wealth of solutions can help you to feel your worth again. Stick with this. It will keep getting better!
Hello! I don’t even know you but I know you are not a terrible person. You deserve peace and a break from the gnawing desire to constantly use. This place helps me and I hope it helps you. Sending you hope and love.
hi and welcome, We can definitely relate and your not alone anymore but first things first - You don’t have to call yourself an addict but if your doing something you don’t want to do and can’t stop and it’s ruining parts of your life you might want to take a reality check. Once we get honest with ourselves we can start asking what to do about it. Wish you well on your journey
Really appreciate the thoughtful responses and some very challenging but important questions.
What are some of the changes you want to make?
I no longer want to imprisoned by the idea that when I drink, I need to do drugs. I no longer want to lose control when and if I do do it. And most importantly, I don’t want to hurt the ones I love. Trust is such a complex feeling to obtain and even more complex to regain.
What are some of the resources you’re going to use to get there? Are you willing to ask for help? What help do you need?
That is the million dollar question. I’m hoping to lean on this community for support. I’m hoping that my significant other can still be that support system for me. My issue is that I don’t know how to ask for help. I thought of therapy and inquired but the price is unfortunately too steep.
Thank you! It certainly helps to not feel alone in this and congrats on your amazing progress. I hope we can both cross paths in the not so distant future and share a celebration
Totally get it, and you’re not alone. I don’t want to be discouraging but I think you’ll find as you read around here that it’s more or less impossible to have one without the other. Many have tried; there are many stories of it not working It’s liberating though to realize that neither one is really necessary to be living the life you want to live
You’re in good company! There are hundreds and hundreds of active folks here who do that regularly (and many come daily). For me it’s a safe place and I can come here and post when I need to vent or share or connect. I use the checkin thread:
Significant others are definitely a big part of our lives. Addiction is fundamentally a self-absorbed, self-centred thing, and this has a devastating effect on relationships (which require a solid foundation of trust to really flourish; addiction / addiction behaviour erodes trust). I don’t mean to be discouraging, just to be direct, to be clear. There is work here. The good news is there’s support for everyone involved in getting clean, including the partners of addicts in recovery. A program like https://www.nar-anon.org/ is for family members of narcotics / drug users, https://al-anon.org/ for family members of alcohol users, and there’s other ones too, like SMART Recovery Family & Friends | Addiction Help for Family Members – SMART Recovery, which isn’t addiction-specific. (SMART Recovery also has a different approach to its groups.) Keep an open mind, stay humble, and work it one day at a time.
Yep. It is expensive. One way to look at it is to say, it’s cheaper than using, in many cases But even if it’s ultimately not affordable, the recovery groups are free therapy. Major groups (like NA, AA, and SMART Recovery, among others) are based on psychologically valid approaches to recovery, and cover much of the same ground as therapy does - and free of charge. There’s a list of many different recovery groups here: Resources for our recovery
Take it one day at a time and don’t give up. You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
Here’s a million dollar question: you titled this thread “my long journey - one that I fear I might need to walk alone”. Why alone?
You’re posting this here, so obviously there’s the online community, but still some voice in you is saying “I can’t reveal this to ____”. Who? What are you alone from / who are you not disclosing this to?
I think like a lot of people who are coming to a similar realization have the fear of disclosing their problem to friends and family. That’s who I’m referring to. I guess I was always leaned on to be the voice of reason with them but now I’m the one who is vulnerable. Also, past experiences of trying to reach out never led anywhere good.
Is it bad in your opinion to only seek support from one person? In my case my partner? I’m not sure I’m ready to tell my problem to others
This is the irrationality of addiction. Addiction is, by definition, the opposite of balance, the opposite of health; yet paradoxically we often are (or perceive ourselves to be) the “one others depend on”.
This is very, very common. Many of us have had this feeling. And that sense of “being alone in the world” both contributes to, and magnifies / enables, our addictions.
Only in addiction could we be dependent and see it as independence.
In recovery we realize all humans, including us, depend on others and have to ask for help. It’s healthy and normal and it’s part of living a balanced life (whether you’re an addict in recovery or not - this is true for all humans).
It’s common for family to have a complex web of emotions, so it’s also common for people in recovery to make their first disclosures and recovery steps outside of the family. (Often though, the family is aware, at least subconsciously and often consciously, of our problem. We’re not as good at “hiding” as we think we are.) Because it helps to have that outside-family support, the recovery groups exist (I linked them above). Recovery contacts on Talking Sober and elsewhere help us learn to live life with healthy responsibility and meaningful accountability, and help us rebuild our healthy social connections (which we need - humans are social creatures). In recovery we learn what it means to be reliable, first for ourselves - we learn to learn from others, how to be responsible for ourselves - and then we learn to be responsible for helping others, having a meaningful impact, using the skills & insights we’ve learned through our personal work, to help others.
Once we’re more stable on our own two feet, we can communicate in healthy ways, with healthy boundaries, with family. It’s a process
You deserve to be seen and heard. You don’t have to live your life on your own. No one does. You are not alone.
Wow very insightful Matt. All these words are opening my eyes and allowing me to see the person in front of me. I really think you hit all the nails in the head and I appreciate that you are being fully transparent with me. Thank you for being the first person I can open up to outside of my partner
It’s liberating though to realize that neither one is really necessary to be living the life you want to live 
