My Mum is an alcoholic I'm at my wits end help!

[Majiek]

My mum is my only parent so of course we are close… she has been an alcoholic now for 15 years… never stayed sober for more than 8-months..

I don’t know what to do… I love my mum but she keeps promising to stop drinking and every time I come over she lets me down and I get mad with myself for believing it

she’s also recently got a gambling addiction which means she’s gambling all her money away then expecting me to constantly bail her out… how is that right/fair? Why would you put that stress on your kid? I’ve got my own life to live.. I struggle with depression and anxiety, I am trying to lose weight so can’t handle stress

my mum drinks Vodka and it basically turns her really nasty, vile into a completely different person… if I’m staying at her house when she’s drinking she’s come in the bedroom shouting at me to get out etc despite the fact I’m the only one who has stuck by her and tried to help get her sober.. she’s even got me arrested last year for trying to stop her from drinking more litres of vodka… I’m literally at my wits end on what to do!? my nan and her mum died in January. And yes that can lead people to alcohol etc but my mum has been on it long before that 15 years… so I’m not accepting that

I was having phone calls with a family charity dealing with family members who are alcoholics… and they basically said for 90% of their clients tough love is the only way… and they said I need to try that approach with my mum because clearly the softy softy approach of forgiving her after a week or 2 isn’t working… so would anyone else recommend tough love and trying to block her out my life? Even if that means she ends up dead etc? What more can I do!? I’m not helping her by giving her money etc I’m enabling her behaviour… and stopping her from facing the consequences of her actions..

any advice would be welcome? Like I said I’m at my wits end and need some advice… because I’ve had enough

thinks

[Mtrav0040]

Hello and welcome @Majiek!

It’s hard when our loved ones are afflicted with the disease of alcoholism. It helped me to understand that there is nothing I can do to cause it, cure it, or control it. I’m powerless to get my loved ones to do things they just aren’t prepared to do.

I attend Al-anon meetingsbecause of my family’s history with alcohol and addiction. It’s specifically designed to help the families of alcoholics. Maybe Google a meeting in your area and give it a try? The Desperation you’re feeling is exactly what got me in the door to my first meeting.

Wishing you some peace and serenity if just for tonight.

[Dazercat]

Hey Majiek,
That’s a horrible situation to be in.

And you are right about the enabling.
But like @Mtrav0040 Mitch said. You can’t control or cure her drinking and you didn’t cause.
That’s the
3 C’s of AlAnon.

Al-Anon saved my life and my marriage.
The thing is we got to fix ourselves. Because we can’t fix, nor should we even try to fix anyone else. How do we know what anyone else needs.

Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. You will be with people that understand and will share their experiences strengths and hope.
Al-Anon.org

We got a thread around here too if you’re interested in reading other people’s experiences with this problem. Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

[Pandita]

Hi Maijek,

that`s a horrible situations to be in and I think there is a lot of people here who can relate to the desperation, fear and anger you are feeling right now. I know I can and I´ve been sick with the alcoholic disease myself. People have tried to talk sense into me, when I was still drinking. I shut them out and would not meet up with them anymore. I was not ready to face the responsibility. I am now 3.5 years sober and looking back, I know nothing would have changed my determination to keep going. I needed to hit a wall to see that my addiction was harming me severely and I was doing it to myself.

Coming out on the other side, I still have alcoholic family and I needed to learn to lovingly detach to keep myself sane. It took some time to learn to hold up boundaries. Today I think it also helped my family to know what I will do and what I will not do. They still drink. I still lay awake at night and worry. But I have places and support to adress this.

As mentioned before, Al-Anon is a great resource. It was a gamechanger for me. Don`t know if you like to listen to podcasts - this one really helped me get through some tough days. https://district14.podbean.com/

Hugs to you, friend.

[HolySquid]

Hello @Majiek and welcome

I am sorry you are going through this. You had some awesome replies here already. Nothing much for me to add, I just wanted to tell you, that I hear you.

You can’t get your mum sober, she has to do that herself. You are only in control of your own life and your own happiness. So get yourself to an Al-Anon and start your own healing.

Sending you strength and hugs

[Conor80]

I’m sorry to hear of your situation but please know that your mum is not doing this in purpose that when she says something she will of meant it most of the time, it’s just the way addiction has had us twisted up inside , it’s also very easy to pick up other addictions my advice is stop bailing your mum out when she needs money encourage her to seek help but don’t over do it or it will have the opposite effect and I would encourage you to maybe try Al-Anon meeting , I hope this is of some use to you

[JVKE]

@Conor80 his post made the most sense to me, thank you for sharing

Sounds like good advice, @Majiek .

Welcome to the community, by the way. Wish it were under better circumstances, but I, nor anyone I know, came into the recovery community because life was going so good! I would suggest taking action, though, because as they say: Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

[Majiek]

Thanks for your replies. I’m currently staying at my mums trying to help her get sober from Vodka drinking 4 or 5 litres in a few days. She rang ambulance first time a few days ago, when ambulance came she was abusive and nasty towards them and me the B word and C word etc calling me controlling (even though I just care and trying to help her because I love her and don’t want her drinking herself to death) the paramedics said when they leaved because she refused to go hospital, they asked if she’s always this violent and abusive when she’s drunk to me? I said only when she’s drunk when she’s sober she’s best mum in the World…. They said I shouldn’t have to put up with the violence and abuse my mum gives me when she’s drunk, that I seem a nice person who’s just trying to help…

so eventually she went into hospital a few days later, she came out a few days ago, a day later she’s back drinking Vodka, and the abuse has started towards me again all because I’m trying to help her and stop her from drinking by wanting her to measure it out etc… 7am this morning she’s coming in the spare bedroom calling me the C and B words again telling me to wake up she needs money from me to go shop to get Tobacco and Vodka….

I’m at my wits end I’m having heart pains I’ve had this 15 years it’s really affected my life during that time… how can someone be that selfish, horrible and nasty to their child when most children would have probably disowned them by now due to their drinking and abuse?!

I can’t take this anymore. I’ve got my own issues like obesity (overeating due to the stress from my mum drinking hasn’t helped me when I try to diet) and I’ve got Asperger’s and I need to go home for my own sanity and mental health to get peace otherwise I’ll end up having a Heart Attack if I stay here…but also I’m worried if I go home she might end up drinking herself to death with Vodka… what do I do?! I have no dad in my life only my mum that’s why I’m trying my hardest to stop her drinking because I don’t want her dying…

is Tough Love the only way and only thing left to try after trying the softy soft approach for the past 15 years with her forgiving her and unblocking her after a week etc hoping she realises something click and she changes? Do I need to go home and block her out my life because it seems the only option I have left and also to protect myself and let her face the full consequences for her actions so I am not an enabler giving her money etc for drink to stop her verbally and mentally abusing me? Because the financial, mental and verbal abuse is too much for me, I’m not getting any younger and 15 years of my life having this seems so selfish and unfair

Vodka changes her completely, makes her so angry, nasty etc she’s going in hospital so much recently due to alcohol…

I often wonder if maybe Prison is the best way? Let her go to the shop, steal vodka, get arrested to face the consequences of her actions instead of me giving her money and enabling her behavior to stop her mentally and verbally abusing me so I’m here to check up on her so she doesn’t die? That way atleast if she goes prison she will get sober.. because right now it seems like she’s just gonna drink herself to death.. I feel so powerless and helpless on what to do… like I said 15 years of this… I’ve been on dates and had her ringing me drunk (so it’s ruined potential Relationships because I’m Worry etc), needing money for hotels because her Ex kicked her out, or police ringing me because the guy she’s currently with they drink and fight etc so she needs money for hotels… her behavior has been so selfish and toxic… like I said what other sons would have put up with this for 15 years!?

What do I do? I’m so stressed, my heart is racing and I’m at my wits end.. are there meetings I can attend for help and advice on how to deal with this?

It seems like to me she Enjoys the attention she gets when she’s drinking? She’s always ringing people, playing loud music etc.. and that when she doesn’t get the attention she goes sleep etc… so I don’t know if there is like an attention deficit disorder she has? Everyone worrying about her etc she likes being the centre of attention people talking about…

She’s even phoned the police on me a few times before because of because I’ve took her keys off her to stop her driving to get more drink.. I got arrested last year because she told the police I was hitting her when in reality I was trying to stop her getting the car keys from me because I was trying again to protect her and not face the consequences for her actions I didn’t want her getting arrested for drink driving or hitting another car or person etc.. so I was in a cell for 7 hours… other times the police have took me to my Nan’s etc when she’s phoned them saying I’m trying to control her etc

Like I said once she’s had Vodka she’s the most nasty, angry, horrible vile person going.. but when she’s sober she’s the best most kindest giving mum in the World…

Am I doing the wrong thing and enabling her behavior by caring too much!?

[erntedank]

Get out there, stay at your own home, block her and let the universe care. Your health comes first.
No need to talk to her, you are talking to the bottle when she is drunk.
Tough love, yes, tell her she is an abusive asshole while drunk - when she is sober and not hungover so she can get the message if she wants.
nothing you can do about her.
take care about yourself. if you focus on her drinking, you neglect your needs for sober connection and loose focus on your own health. very bad idea with the issues you described. get the fuck out there and take care of yourself!
sending hugs and strength

ps: yes, caring is preventing her from suffering the consequences of her addiction = yes, that’s enabling too

get help with alanon and look into codependency, this topic hits for many people suffering from an addicted family member

and take a video to send her how she acts when drunk. could be eye opening.

[Pandita]

The situation you are in sounds absolutely horrible! And you definately do not deserve to be shouted and yelled at like this. You have been trying your absolutely best to help your mom and by the sounds of it much at the costs of your own sanity and well being.

Keep in mind, that you mom has a severe illness. An illness she so far isn`t ready to heal. You are trying to do it for her, because you love her. That is absolutely clear to see. But you cannot. Lets say it wasn´t alcoholism but another illness like cancer your mom was suffering from. You would not expect to heal it by taking the medication in her place, would you?

So yes, in a way you are part of the problem. By acting in her interest and preventing her from having to face the consequences of her illness, you are keeping the loop running. Maybe the best help you can offer is to step back so she can realize, it is her who has to take the medication?

This is scary and comes with a feeling of betrayal. You don`t have to do this on your own. Al-Anon and similar family groups have been built to help those, who need to make the same decision you are confronted with. It does not mean you do not love your mom. Give it a try. Nothing will change as long as you keep doing what you have been doing for the past 15 years.

What part of the world do you live in, if I may ask?

Sending you strength

[Soup]

Personally I’d say do What’s best for you.. Story time: I cut my dad out for less, saw him like every other weekend as I was like 12 or something.. last straw was when my older siblings included pressured me to go visit him over Christmas and I said to him “fine, I don’t care if you drink before I get there or after, but if you crack a beer open while I’m there I will leave”. Was a short visit. Took me longer to walk there than it took him to grab a beer and told me. “it was just a drunks promise “. In my 20s, again “incuraged” by my siblings, whos probably sick of listening to his whining about me, agreed to meet him in a pub with my sister.. Yeah he went to his boat and begged us to go across the city to see him there. Still at 36 refuse to have anything to do with him.

I’m the youngest of 3, my brother recently had his daughter and seen our dad in a picture. Took awhile to realise it’s him and not looking forward to dealing with what ever dynamics they have back home (I moved country 15 years ago) if I manage to get my finances sorted to go visit again. He’s caused so much shit to my siblings as well and there’s a lot of stories. I don’t buy into the “but they’re your family “ spiel because why should I care when they don’t - kinda point of view I have.. Aaanyways, bet there’s more helpful insights and advice from others

[Von100]

That’s is tough and sorry. There not much you can do for your mom! She has got to want it and do it herself. And even if she it will be long hard road for her.
Is there somewhere else you can go live ? . Maybe going live somewhere and drawing a very hard line with her, about her drinking around you. It will be the spark to start something inside her. In that is a big maybe as…..

But In the meantime, when she gets drunk and abusive to you, then call the police. Have her arrested - at least where I live in the world. Being drunken and abusive, even in your own house, can and most likely will, land you in the drunk tank for the night.
Of course when they get there stay calm or you might go to.

I leave you with it is not easy thing you are going through, it is your mom. I’m . And find some support for you!!! Finding a Meeting Is Just a Click Away! - Al-Anon Family Groups

[Majiek]

Thank you so much for all your advise.. I’m tried to explain to my mum I’ll do tough love now, I love her and without alcohol she’s the best mum in the World but I need to try something else to the last 15 years because what I’ve tried before hasn’t worked and I need to try something different to break that cycle/loop so I’m not enabling her behaviour or becoming an enabler anymore… she tries to play on my heart strings and says if I do that she won’t survive etc.. so for example I’ve blocked her but because I know she’s drinking a 1 litre bottle of vodka each day after 1 or 2 days I’m calling her number because I’m worried she will end up dead she creates so much drama when she’s drunk with her friends (and people I know) she’s phoning them when she’s drunk causing trouble and drama (and even lies), stressing them out and then those people are ringing me telling me then stressing me out… and she’s starting to pawn stuff in to pawn shops to get money for gambling and drinking… it’s a vicious cycle

I’m just worried that my mum is gonna die and I’m struggling to sleep at night when I know my mum is drinking dangerously (litre bottle of vodkas each day) hence posting at 4am.. I’d feel much better and be able to sleep at night if I know she was getting better in a patients sectioned mental health place or even prison.. I know that sounds bad but I’d much rather her in prison than dying because atleast she has a chance to get better and recover plus I get a break from sleepless nights worrying I’ll end up getting a phone call that she’s died

how do people here deal with the worry and stress of losing a family member dying to alcohol? Because the worry, stress and anxiety means I’m struggling to sleep because I’m worried I’ll lose my only parent and one of my only remaining family members

can Anon help with that?

Thanks again xx

[Majiek]

Any help? How do I block this out?

She’s drunk and keeps saying stuff like she will take all her tablets medication (she’s on a lot of medication) and she doesn’t want to be here anymore etc.. most of the time it’s drunk talk because she likes the attention but then I’m up all night worrying… it seems selfish

[Dazercat]

What a fucking nightmare
I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I’ve been going to Al-Anon for a little over 3 years. Al-Anon will not get your Mom to stop drinking. But, you will be with other people that know exactly what you’re going through.

Al-Anon is a program for me. Not my alcoholic.
You cannot go on living like that.

The 3 C’s
You didn’t Cause it
You can’t Cure it
You can’t Control it

Find a meeting fast.
Go to many of them.

[Majiek]

she’s gambling, losing then drinking everyday and it’s making her grab knives and be suicidal saying I’ll stab myself and take all my tablets (she’s on anti-depressants etc) in one go … is there anything I can do as her child and next of Kin to get her sectioned and go away in a Mental Health Unit for a few months to get a break from this daily grind of worrying constantly to get her better mentally? Because clearly this is not normal her bedroom is like a pig-sty, she doesn’t wash herself, can’t manage her finances (gambling all her rent money etc which then makes her sad so she drinks which makes her more low and emotional then talking about stabbing herself and taking all her medication in one go)

I know people say Tough Love is the only way and I can’t keep giving her money etc I need to block her out my life.. but what if she ends up dead after I block her out my life?

i know I need to get a new Sim Card for my phone to get a break for a few months to focus on myself (after 15 years of my mum drinking and causing me daily stress and worry)

I don’t know what to do?! please help I beg you…

[Pandita]

It is a terrible cycle you two are trapped in. The only thing you can do to help is stop dancing the dance, friend. It’s a terribly hard thing to do. I understand the fear of losing a parent and thinking, there could be anything I could have done/do to prevent this. Its not tough love, what stepping back is. It’s handing over responsibility to where it belongs. With your mom. She only has a chance to help herself if you let go of her and stop doing it for her. There are people who have been in the same situation. Family groups, Al-Anon. They have advice on how to help yourself and manage the feelings of guilt and and being overwhelmed. Give it a try

[Misokatsu]

No one here is an expert in mental health legislation. I’d you are in the UK call 111 and they can give advice. This website also has information.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/nearest-relative/sectioning-and-guardianships/
There are legal and medical steps you will need to go through, the best thing is to ask a professional.

[Badger]

My dad was an alcoholic it’s a tough situation. Nothing you can do it say well change them, you have to let them do it themselves.

You may have to cut them out of your life, and see if they come back to you.

You can try giving her books about sobriety and sending her links to pod casts and information for her to watch. But it is up to her if she bothers to watch them and follow the information.

It’s very sad

[Von100]

Did you try Going https://al-anon.org/blog/finding-a-meeting-is-just-a-click-away/ . How did it go? If not, go. You have nothing to lose but be with people that are going through the same thing. As an alcoholic myself, I will say this you can’t save your mom from herself. She has to want it, really, really want it.