Exactly learning when to tell the difference between good input or negativity. Sometimes I have to smile and walk away. I especially deal with this at work but sometimes I realize may be leading by example that person might go home and think maybe I can do better… Thanks so much for reaching out. Very grateful for you! We’re in this together. Because alone Never solved anything.
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241
October 24 2024
TW: mental health
My childhood/ adolescence and life before alcohol and drugs. 6-16
Looking back one of my toughest memories is night time. I remember around age 6 having extreme amounts of energy and hallucinations before trying to go to bed. It was excitement for what the nexts days possibilities were… my head being mixed up in extreme ways. Weird visuals and sounds. Anxiety and a combination of things. When I finally made it to morning it was relief. At a very early age I didn’t know how to control my energy and mouth. From the beginning of school till the near end I was constantly being kicked off the school bus or sent home. My parents tried there best but they didn’t know how to control me. I was often grounded and remember many times talking to my brother through the air conditioning vent asking what happened today?. Even though it drove me crazy to be inside my room and grounded after a while I became used to it and my imagination became amazing. A lot of day dreaming and thinking. As time went on there would be back and forth between trying hard to be good but mostly acting out and doing insane things. Around 12 is when the meditations began but I never actually took them. I would go to a psychologist and tell them what they wanted to hear and I would play the game even though deep down I knew something was wrong. My escape was baseball, hockey, skateboarding, and music. If I didn’t have to be inside I wasn’t. School was almost impossible because of a combination of a learning disability and my mental health. I was in special classes up till age 16. It didn’t bother me and my regular friends didn’t care or act differently towards me. I remember always looking out the window day dreaming. Coming up with any plan to leave school early that day. Fake sick…or as I got older just not show up at all or whatever till my parents would get calls or letters saying I haven’t been at school I’m talking even very young… you have to remember this is the middle of no where Pennsylvania and my parents are both working full time. As I got closer to my teen years the consequences got worse. At this point I was still anti alcohol and drugs because most of my family besides my parents had problems. But I was struggling to deal with my energy and no filter. My only time slowing down from age 6 to 16 was late at night after being very active all day I would watch Old black and white movies then toss and turn all night going through it…what girl will I talk to tomorrow? What troubles will I get into? How will I avoid school? What’s wrong with me? Then the morning would come and anything could happen. Those years were long but honestly even with all the trouble it wasn’t all bad. At age 16 everything changed. I remember starting to get curious about drugs and alcohol and the sports and craziness wasn’t slowing me down enough. Then one day my dad came home and said we are moving to Florida. It was hard to leave my friends and neighborhood but I knew I had out grew this life in Pennsylvania of trying to be good. In a matter of weeks after getting to Florida I had tried every drug known to man and alcohol. I found what I thought helped and slowed me down. At first the drug and alcohol usage was to deal with my mind but after age 16 and the decade and a half that would follow I did drugs and drank for all kinds of reasons. Now at age 35 sober for eight months with true sobriety I feel like that six year old child again excited for the next day, way too much energy and having to stay busy. But it sure beats the alternative. I take medication for the mania and hallucinations now and understand I probably will have to for the rest of my life. Whether I have bipolar or schizophrenia or a combination of both it doesn’t really matter the Medication is the same. Looking back on my childhood and younger years I don’t really have any regrets. I experienced What I did and if anything it’s made me stronger. I know that I have an incredible imagination, I know that I’m not traditionally intelligent but I am intelligent in ways I can’t explain. I’m really in tune with my feelings. I can tell what others are going through. There’s a lot. I know one thing I do remember my life before drugs and alcohol and after this long experiment of alcohol and drug use I know that I don’t need that to survive and live. One day at a time. Thanks for listening. Maybe I’ll post what happened in Florida pretty soon And life after 16.
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Thanks for sharing a bit of your story. Cheering you on!!
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It’s definitely been helping to write some things out on here. Every day sober I am realizing more about myself and my past and memories. I want to make sense of things. I know that my story is not original and I’m sure there’s plenty of people that relate maybe not all of it but definitely something. I definitely feel this is a safe place and I can feel free to be honest as long as I respect the guidelines or be careful with triggers which sometimes I forget. Thank you for reaching out and reading. There’s definitely going to be more writing to come
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247
October 30 2024
Positives of sobriety
- less anxiety
- better physical health
- enjoying hobbies again
- able to hold a job
- able to pay bills and maintain shelter
- not hungry
- real friends
- family in my life
- connection with higher power
- not being in a ambulance
- not in or on my way to detox
- not in jail
- not committing crimes
- freedom!
- remembering what happened yesterday
- not being afraid of phone calls
- having goals
- stability
- sticking to promise’s and commitments
- being dependable
- having hope
Transparent and honest is the only way forward.
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253
November 5 2024
Another entry on my journey
Anxiety has always been a issue. In the beginning it was part of my reason for starting my experiments with drugs and alcohol. After a while it was a excuse to continue on that path. And as time went on anxiety was one of my many reservations. If Anxiety got that bad I could always go back to liquor, opiates, or benzos. Or so I thought. I never gave myself a chance to really understand my anxieties and fears or put them on paper. I never gave it enough sobriety time to learn better coping strategies. And in all reality I didn’t think I would have the same results using and drinking but I always did. A lot has changed this time in my thinking. Almost everyone has some form of anxiety maybe some worse then others. I now understand there is better options then knocking the life out of me with pills and liquor. I try to realize and understand sometimes I confuse anxiety with caring. I confuse anxiety with excitement. I confuse anxiety with happiness. When I feel the anxiety coming on and the physical symptoms that come with it I take a step back. Have I ate today? Do I need to walk away to a quiet place for a little? Do I need some water? I will bring myself back to reality with these simple self care acts. Or a meeting, getting on my bike with no destination in mind, calling someone in my network. Because getting loaded is not in my toolbox anymore. I can’t treat anxiety with drugs and alcohol which only makes the anxiety and problems 10 times worse. Anxiety is not always a bad thing sometimes it’s my brain trying to remind me of something positive I’m forgetting.
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256
November 8 2024
Got a dollar raise at work today unexpectedly. It definitely feels good. I’ve only been at this job for four/ five months and truthfully this is the longest I’ve held a job in probably five years. My addict and alcoholic brain was trying to tell me to look for something else maybe I can do better but I realized recently that I have a good thing going and I need to stay where I’m at. And then today the Raise happened. It’s like my higher power trying to talk to me. I recently looked up online when you feel like leaving a job you should write down why you took the original job you have in the first place. For me my job is a 5 Minute bike ride away. My manager is five years sober. It’s a familiar environment that doesn’t produce that much stress. It’s just washing dishes I don’t have to over complicate it. I think for now it’s the perfect thing for my recovery. The first month or so I really didn’t think I was going to make it and I was exhausted running all over the restaurant bringing plates and pots and kitchen utensils back to where they go, washing dishes, scrubbing, busing tables but every day it got easier. Because I show up on time and I’m dependable and I try my best I am pretty much left alone to do my thing. What has helped me with the anxiety in the morning is making sure I have my work clothes ready the night before, I have the food I’m going to bring to work ready, my supplements and vitamins on the counter and I get proper sleep. I say a prayer in the morning to get me through the day and to help me be useful and walk with me in my sobriety. Not saying I don’t have days where I want to run out the door but it’s just learning to take things one hour at a time sometimes and breathe. It’s going to take time to retrain my brain to make money responsibly and the right way. This manager and owner was willing to give me a chance when at least 15 places turned me down because of my background and legal issues currently. When I had the interview and my manager said he was in recovery and I didn’t have to explain anything it was like a message from my higher power. Definitely going to stay where I’m at and show gratitude to this place that is helping me by continuing to work hard and show up early and stay late if they need. Very grateful. This will be good to look back on this post in the future. Going to keep coming back to here to write about the progress
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You, Sir, are a shining light!
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Beautiful reflection my friend. I see those godwinks 
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Congratulations on your raise. Good workers are really hard to find. You should be proud your hard work is noticed and appreciated. I believe recovering alcoholics are the best employees. We work hard everyday to stay sober.
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It’s clear the difference between your previous attempts and today is that before you had intentions, today you have plans and a program to structure your days. There’s a saying in AA that I’m sure you’ve heard “Stick with the winners”, and your boss sounds like one of the winners. And so do you!
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Thank you that’s a cool thing to say
Thank you. Definitely a lot of moments from my higher power giving me hope
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Thank you and I agree recovering addicts and alcoholics are definitely some of the hardest workers and we’re really intelligent. We just have to stay on this path and not go back to old ways.
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Thank you… I definitely feel a difference and I agree previously it was mostly just intentions but not Much action or being uncomfortable which is what I need to recover. I’ve definitely heard that saying before in AA. I definitely have a good manager and owner and I’m very grateful
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259
11/11 2024
I know I’ve been posting a lot on this thread but I guess it’s my thread so I shouldn’t feel bad and it’s helping me and maybe somebody else.
Haven’t heard from one of my friends in a couple weeks or seen him around kind of had an idea what happened and tonight finally got a hold of him and turns out he’s Relapsed And been drinking pretty heavily… Moved out of the sober living got his own place probably too soon or maybe he just didn’t continue what he was doing when he got his own place. Typical story and similar to what I am very familiar with. Already lost his job. Running out of money. It really sucks because I know what that’s like when my mind was scrambling in the past figuring out what to do because of a relapse. And he’s a lot like me he’ll resort to homelessness as a solution to continue on until things get really bad. I told him it doesn’t have to get that bad though. I tried to motivate him to go to medical detox tonight because he drinks and does drugs like I used to there’s no way he’s going to find another job or maintain anything on his own right now. Or I Suggested if he possibly could stay sober for one hour tomorrow I would go with him to a meeting that I normally go to and we can figure out a plan. I don’t think he wants to hear any kind of solution but yet says he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Says he has a lot to figure out. In my opinion there’s nothing to figure out. He needs to stop the fall With detox, hospitalization and sober living or treatment after. Like I said it sucks because I’ve been There a 100 times… The truth is it’s easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. Even with medication and supervision detoxing sucks plus starting over and the fear and worries. I hope he makes the right decision before things get bad. I’m going to try to reach out again tomorrow and throw the realistic options at him again. I already told him I have no judgment just understanding and concern. Whether it’s friends in AA that I’ve met through sober living’s / meetings or my friends that are not in AA… A lot of the people in my life are not staying sober. But like I said that has been me in the past 100 times. I don’t know what’s changed this time for me but maybe for a while I thought it was spending two months in jail with the possibility of going to prison for three years but I think it’s a lot more than that. I just don’t have another relapse in me. Maybe this conversation with my friend tonight helped me… Hopefully I can help him. But what is the saying you can lead a horse to water but You can’t make them do anything that they don’t want basically. Shit sucks sometimes. I guess I’ve done all I can do for today. I will try again tomorrow maybe make sure he has some food definitely not giving him money unless it’s for sober living for the first week after detox. Just being real. For anybody who reads this thanks for listening. For anybody sober and working at the recovery I’m proud of you.
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I’m in a similar situation Trevor. One of my best friends is making some pretty scary decisions and it is hard to support her without getting frustrated that she isn’t making the “right” choice. What I need to keep reminding myself is that I need to offer support but not force it. Its so hard to see friends struggle.
You never have to apologize for posting here. I always appreciate your shares and I really love to hear you talking out your sobriety. Keep up the good work. You are helping people.
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I appreciate your shares and plus this is your thread im sorry your friend is struggling but im so proud of you and hearing your thought process. I too believe i have another drunk in me but not another recovery
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I’m sorry to hear your friend is not doing good. And I agree with that all we can do is try to offer support and suggestions we can’t make anybody do anything only lead by example. It really is hard to see your friends struggle. Even with the conversation With my friend last night it brought back a lot of my own memories or situations that I’ve been in like that before I almost felt like I was the one that had to go to detox soon because I’m so used to that from the past. But thankfully I don’t have to ever go there again or back to using or drinking in general. Thank you for the positive words and for reaching out really appreciate it.
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Thank you so much. Even though this is my thread sometimes I feel like I’m overdoing it. But that’s the thing in the past I wouldn’t be documenting or reflecting on anything and maybe that’s the difference this time. I am equally grateful for your shares as well and reaching out. As always I really appreciate it… There is absolutely no going back to Old ways no matter what happens or no matter what life throws at me.
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