I’m almost 50 and have been drinking daily for as long as I can remember.
But it really worsened in the last three years.
I could/can polish off 1/2 bottle of vodka and my tolerance is so high no one would ever know I’d been drinking.
I was married to an abusive and neglectful husband (who did not drink ironically)
My son has a mental disorder which is very stressful
At 13 my son moved with his father to another state (Not because of my drinking but to be with a dude, his dad.)
His father abused him, so he came back.
I’m paying for 100% of my son’s school/medication and expenses (Deadbeat Dad)
I “broke up” with my mother who was cruel to me b/c she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I have a terrible relationship with my alcoholic father and his jealous insecure wife
Despite the selfishness and narcissists I was surrounded by, I’m an empath, I ran charities, I’m too nice too. (need to set more boundaries.) I find/found a friend in the bottle.
I’m now fortunate, don’t need to work, have a great boyfriend (alas, who drinks) and we travel a lot, etc…I have a great life. So why do I drink? Because I’ve become addicted.
My blood tests showed I have too much iron in my blood and drinking will impact my all my organs. I had an ultrasound, and I already am entering “fatty liver disease” territory.
But I still reach for a drink. Sometimes as early as 730am. Even the health scare did not deter me.
I told my spouse I had a problem. He was supportive.
So I checked myself into re-hab which was a complete waste of money. My addiction was a mental issue, and they just taught mindfulness, and “oh here is a puzzle you can do in your spare time instead of drinking.” I needed psychological help to get to the root of WHY I was drinking. They did not provide the support I needed.
I went to see a psychologist (nice but not helpful in giving up the booze)
I went to see a life-coach (write down your goals, and breathe. didn’t make me stop)
Took up tennis again (drank vodka before)
Took up a painting class (went drunk everytime)
I convinced my spouse I could drink again - just not a lot, but then I would drink and hide it. I’d finish the vodka, fill it with water, then re-fill it with a new bottle…ugh. I think he liked the fact that he had his ‘drinking buddy’ again. Wine at lunch (lots) on the weekends, then when we would go home, I’d want to keep going. He’d fall asleep watching TV and I would head downstairs to have more.
He likes to drink, so every time he does, I’m like “wheeee!” I have his approval.
So a few days ago, I woke up like we all seem to do at 3am feeling shame and saying “THAT’S IT - NOT TOMORROW”… But then, I would pick up the bottle again.
My spouse was away recently and called me at 7pm and I was drunk. I said I just took a sleeping pill. He made me swear not to drink when he is not around but I lie. The addiction was winning.
After that call, the next day - I dumped ALL my alcohol the next morning down the drain. After four last gulps of vodka. A goodbye drink if you will.
So what do I feel helps/helped me?
Annie Grace’s book “This Naked Mind”… which I learned about in this forum. Excellent read. It totally spoke to me. Her blogs online are also good. She’s real. And real nice.
What also helps INCREDIBLY is coming here to read every day - even if they are posts from 2017.
I told my doctor - she prescribed Valium, which frankly, I rarely take, but it can take a wee bit of the edge off.
I try to drink a lot of water.
I focus on losing weight and how I will feel great again (I work out almost daily. Hard. But the booze keeps the weight on.)
I focus on the future.
I’m no guru and you are reading about a gal who has been sober for only three flipping days.
BUT, I really think I can do it this time, because I feel like I’ve tried everything. (NOT interested in AA, as I’m agnostic, PLUS I want this to be private.)
I feel like I already have a community here that has been there, that I can related to.
When I feel a craving, I come here and read. It REALLY helps. Thank you.
I feel like “I” have to do this. It’s now up to me to make the change. No one can do this for me.
I remember I’m drinking poison. Ethanol. I’m poisoning myself and can’t be in denial any more. I want to see my son graduate. I want to live my life with my spouse who is ready to retire.
Wish me luck. I need it.
Thank you for listening… xx
Thank you for sharing. This place has helped so much!
Great share!! I hear you. I also found great sustenance in Annie Grace’s book, reading everything on here…man, that was super helpful, still is…and reading a LOT of sobriety memoirs…they spoke to me and showed that we can come back from anything.
Keep being sober and keep reading! Glad to see you here!
Hello and thank you for sharing your story best of luck in your sober journey 
Hey @Lucy70, thanks for sharing. I kind of have the same story as you. Boyfriend who loved to drink with me, got diagnosed at 28 with cirrhosis of the liver and had a swell bottle of wine in my lap when was given the diagnosis. Kept drinking after I told I would die from drinking but I was physically addicted. Got myself put on a liver transplant list but had to be sober for 6 months to even be considered. Had my boyfriend try to ween me off but did what you did and just refill with water. Finally checked myself into detox and realized that alcohol would not be the death of me. My sickness has kept me sober now for 113 days. Stick to the course. It will kill you. Please reach out if you need any suggestions, I feel like our stories are similar!
Hi mlclaire - thank you sharing your story. You scared me about being diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver at 28. I’m so sorry to hear that and glad you are now sober as long as you have been. That is something I will hold on to, to help keep me going. I had serious cravings tonight even after I posted that message, but with no booze in the house, I had some cheese and crackers instead, and of course my water bottle always full and ready to drink. Tonight I’m headed out to a “bon voyage” party for my friend’s son, and there will be booze, but I won’t cave. Did you find that every day got easier, or do you find every day is, yet again, another day to “get through” and is rough (ie: still craving, etc…?)
Thank you so much! xx
Keep us updated on your sober journey wish you well
Hi Luce, how did last night go? Cravings in early sobriety are very very very common. I think it wasn’t until around 3 months that I stopped having constant cravings. It’s normal but it’s replaceable. In early sobriety it’s important to stay sober-that is ALL that matters so find what works for you. I was a wine-o then started doing the vodka route like you once my body couldn’t break down the acidity in wine so to help with those cravings for sugar, I ate a lot of sweets. Candy, brownies, whatever is up your alley. Your body is craving that sugar fix alcohol used to give you so sugary foods definitely help in the beginning. I also drank a lot of seltzer-la croix is my go-to. I dove into the Starbucks craze and started getting venti iced chai teas. I found the act of even holding a cup in my hand helped with the fix. I constantly had a seltzer or tea in my hand and kind of do still. I promise you it does get easier-Unfortjnatley alcohol is so socially acceptable it’s really hard to avoid it. You’ll get there though…I just got to the point where I can go out with my boyfriend and have him drink around me, but I find it fun to make up my own fruity drinks! Less calories is what I always think of 
Take it easy and be soft on yourself, you’re in a very fragile state.
Also, I was put on campral; it’s the only anti craving medication I could take that wouldn’t affect my liver but it’s for early sobriety and helps with cravings and if you are to drink on it you will get very sick. I knew from the beginning I couldn’t drink after detox bc of my liver but having campral was nice for the extra layer of support. It might be helpful and could be prescribed by your PCP. I can give you more info if you’re interested! Stay strong!!
Thank you! Last night was fine - thank you. When I was offered a drink - I said, “A perrier would be great thanks.” My husband had a vodka soda. I was really fine - really focussed on my goal. No one said anything. But you know - after 2.5 hours, I noticed people from a sober perspective get tipsy and I was glad I was not one of them. (Yes, I had two cookies for the sugar! lol!) I felt good driving home and had a decent sleep. I worry about my liver. That is what keeps me focussed. I’m too scared to have a follow-up ultrasound and am really hoping by quitting will help it “shrink”…I have Diazepam and Clonazepam which were prescribed by my doctor. They help. I worked out this morning (as I do almost daily) and came home with a craving, so I came to this forum, took a diazepam drank a bunch of water and ate a healthy breakfast. It passed. (Plus no alcohol in my house.) I find my husband drinks less when I don’t drink. So that is also a positive. Thank you SO much for your note. It means a lot. 
Have you thought about getting your liver enzymes looked at via a blood panel? For me, if I caught it earlier it would have been fully fixable but a cirrhotic liver never goes away…it’s good to know what’s going on and a healthy diet + no drinking is all that really can work. How are the physical withdrawals?
Hi again! (I really appreciate you following up with me :)) Yes, I’ve had my blood tested. In fact I’m going to see my doctor on Tuesday for the results. That’s why I had the ultrasound last November. Because of blood tests. Again, even when the technician said, “next stage, cirrhosis” it STILL didn’t deter me from drinking. I thought, I’m fine, I’m up at 5AM every day and workout… My doctor in November said to me that she had a patient that recently died (Italian man who only had one glass of red wine a day…) and it still didn’t deter me. My father can easily polish off six bourbons, then a bottle of wine per night and he is “fit as a fiddle” lifts weights, and power walks daily at 6AM… My grandmother was never seen without her Crowne Royale next to her bedside… all my grandparents were alcoholics and lived long lives. Perhaps that is why I shrugged my shoulders… however… I was diagnosed with hemachromatosis (too much iron in my blood - it’s not caused by alcohol - it’s hereditary) which can damage my organs even more with alcohol. Still wasn’t deterred. It was quite literally Annie Grace’s book that changed me. OK - to answer your question (sorry, long answer) I’m fine. I went for dinner with my husband last night and he drank and I took a valium before (just in case) and I was fine. I’m actually having zero withdrawal symptoms, except the social conditioning of craving during what I call my “witching hours” which can start any time from 1pm-8pm. Once I’m home, I’m literally fine, and I think… I made it! I focus on my fitness, my weight loss… weird, but I still haven’t told my husband I’ve quit… I think he thinks it’s because I want to lose weight. (I don’t really need to but I digress…) Another goal of mine is to say to him one day, “You know what? I feel good, I’ve lost weight and I don’t want to drink anymore.” I’m hoping that will encourage him to cut down. (I think it will). Thank you for checking in on me. Question… how much were you drinking ? Do you have to have a liver transplant if you are diagnosed with cirrhosis ? Were you only 28? Big hug, Lucy
You are seriously my twin when it comes to all of this-I was the same way! My dad is an alcoholic, he puts down a magnum and a half of wine a night, has perfect blood tests and is as healthy as a horse. My sister-the same thing. I’m opposite of you I don’t have enough iron…when I was 14 I got checked for anemia because I bruise REALLY bad and nothing came up…I only got diagnosed in November with cirrhosis. I started really drinking when I was 18 and then constantly around 21. All day everyday-towards the end I couldn’t sleep throughout the night fully without drinking bc I began to have withdrawals. Probably 1/5 of vodka a day or a magnum and a half of wine. With alcoholic cirrhosis fortunately, if they catch it before your liver is too far gone and you’re still pretty young, once you stop drinking your liver will rejuvenate itself. It’s the only organ that can do so. However that being said, cirrhosis never goes away so technically at anytime my liver can fail. I will be put on the transplant list as soon as I hit 6 months of sobriety (it’s a requirement) but they really only give liver transplants to those who have a MELD score above 18. (A Normal persons liver is a 6-when I first got my meld score before I stopped drinking and was diagnosed it was a 28, now it’s an 8 (!!!)) you always watch the option so you basically stay on the list your whole life. Ironically, the people who receive transplants the most are people my age because unfortunately most of the livers are from victims who have overdosed. Will you find out your MELD score next week? Ask about it if not. It’s a simple calculation they can do for you based off your blood results. I will be thinking of you but you’ve jumped the biggest hurdle. Stopping drinking, in both of our cases, is life saving. I can’t tell you how sick I was Luce, I was jaundice, throwing up blood, couldn’t eat-i had every single symptom of cirrhosis for over a year but because of my age no doctors even thought about my liver so it went overlooked. So so scary!
OMG mleclaire, I am so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you… Once you hit six months sobriety, and if there is a donor, will you take the transplant? Do the doctors strongly recommend that you do? Can you choose not to? (I mean I suppose it’s ultimately up to you…) I understand the risk of liver failure, but if you eat well, and exercise (and of course stay sober) can you carry on without a transplant?
A story, my cousin lost her mother (my aunt), and to cope with the loss, she drank her way to literally a coma, and was hospitalized, etc. This was about eight years ago. Now she is a yogi and works out every day and never ever drinks. My other aunt said “she’ll need a liver transplant” but my cousin seems fine. She’s 40. (NO ONE in my family knows about my situation so I can’t really ask her any more details . . .) In my case, no jaundice, or throwing up blood thank goodness. In fact no symptoms other than the blood test/ultrasound. Good for you for bringing down your MELD score. You are inspiring me.
Thank you for that MELD advice - I’ll ask my doctor next week.
So I made dinner tonight and we were sitting outside on our deck in the lovely summer evening and my husband brings out the most beautiful bottle of red wine. I was SOOOO tempted but I just had a diet coke. I just said, I don’t want to drink wine right now. He is VERY stressed with a lot of things now, so don’t want to add to it by my struggle. That’s why I coming here so helpful and supportive. Like you!
Plus I do not want to reset my Sober Time timer. (Also a motivation!) xx
Thank you so much for chatting with me
You basically told my story in yours,Vodka is my drink,awake at 3 am telling myself not today as I’m poring another drink.im 47 and been drinking more than 30 years.i see my problem and I am working on it.thanks for sharing
Hi Dixie,
Hang in there. If you have been reading my thread with mleclaire, you can see my experience. I KNEW I had to stop. But something had to trigger it. (rock bottom, deciding I would no longer argue with my husband, hurting my health, etc.) I think it’s different for everyone. But please, I would recommend you read Annie Grace’s “That Naked Mind”. Go onto Amazon and you can essentially read the first few dozen pages for free. I was in tears just reading the introduction. And seeing the damage alcohol can do to your body is eye-opening. I recommend speaking to your doctor if you haven’t already. Don’t be shy about it. I find coming to this forum INCREDIBLY helpful. If you can’t buy Annie Grace’s book for whatever reason, she has blogs and videos https://thisnakedmind.com/blog/ where she speaks about her experience and answers reader’s questions. I tried like at least a couple dozen times to stop… PROMISING I’d stop, and then relapsed after 24-48 hours… but one day, I just snapped. I’m only in my first week and feel SO much better. The things I’ve been procrastinating on doing are getting done (for example) Right now I’m sitting on my back deck, coffee in hand, no alcohol in my house and feeling very good. Please reach out. We are the same age… I totally understand. xx
Well I read the first of the book and ordered it,it supposed to be be here Tuesday.i have went all week with nothing to drink,day 6.i think I’m going to like the book,thank you for suggesting it.i going to try to keep fighting the good fight.best of luck to you on your journey.i will update you on the book when I get it and get into it a little,thanks again 
You can live without a transplant it all depends on you individually (I named my liver geraldo…everyone in IOP would pray for me and “geraldo” during our daily prayer lmao) and you can decline it but thats rare. I won’t get one just because I am so young and it has life left. Wow about your aunt, good for her…those are honestly the best things you can do for yourself when you have issues with your liver. A healthy life is a happy liver!
When do you think you’re going to tell your husband? I understand stress and life comes in the way but you are a big part of his life-if it wasn’t for my other half helping me through, I’m not sure where I’d be! Just remember always that you can’t do this alone but it’s on your terms and your terms only when you want others to know 
always love hearing from you, keep up the good work and continue to have that wonderful optimism…let me know how the doctors appointment goes 
We went for a bike ride yesterday and stopped at an outdoor pub. I had water and he had a beer. I just said, no thanks, I don’t want to be drinking right now. He doesn’t question. He knows I had a problem as I went to rehab, so I think in his mind he’s like, “good job”… so he knows, but he doesn’t know I am trying to do it forever. We talk about everything and have a great relationship, but I guess, I don’t want to disappoint us both by relapsing… Similarly, everytime HE says “No pie, no booze, no bread for me for the next month” it lasts like two days. So I always roll my eyes when he says that, cause he’s done it dozens of times and never follows through lolol!. And I would rather keep my sobriety a secret (even though it’s obvious) and then show him on my Sober Time app how long I’ve made it. I think it’s like a gift I’m giving “us” and I want him to be proud of me. So I’d rather do it on my own and then be like - I’m done! Yesterday night was very hard though. No reason, just sitting down to dinner and I SO desperately wanted a glass of wine. But I didn’t… Hardest day so far. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow at the doctor. Thank you for being there
I’m so happy you ordered her book. It’s an easy read, and eye-opening. I read it over and over. I find it reassures me with my decision. Coming here daily and reading about other people’s experiences helps. Drinking a LOT of water (so your tummy is full) helps, chewing many pieces of gum helps. Also ensure you have NO alcohol in your house also helps. I’ve been tempted. But when there is nothing to cheat on with, it makes it easier. Please let me know how it goes after you get/read the book or if you want to email back. Stay strong!!