Today is Day 4, here’s a glimpse into a little bit of my story.
It has almost been 82 hours since my last drink. Needless to say the last few days have been total hell. But before that, let me tell you a little bit about the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak.
I went to a bar next door last Thursday with the intention of just having a beer or two and then coming home. Instead I was there for hours and had the worst blackout of my life. I don’t remember a lot of the night other than taking an excessive amount of whiskey shots and playing pool. I don’t remember the walk home or the events right after I got home except that I knew I was sick. At one point my boyfriend woke me up because I was dry heaving in the bed and not waking up to it, which was a first for me. The scarier thing for me was that at some point I must have fallen because I had a swollen cut fat lip and several bruises. I puked all night long. I have never felt so sick in my life. I didn’t eat anything other than toast until today. I felt miserable, shaky, sweating, antsy, unable to sleep while feeling exhausted physically, and battling awful nausea. I knew I had tendencies to binge drink but each time it has gotten worse and more frequent, especially during quarantine. I finally realized that I don’t want to spend days trying to piece together a night of drinking. I don’t want to feel like I have no control on my body or emotions.
My drinking definitely amped up this summer when it felt like everything in the world was falling apart at once. I felt like drinking a lot would let me loosen up and forget the pain and anxiety and hopelessness I was feeling without having to face them head on. It got out of hand, a few drinks quickly turned into blackouts. There is something terrifying about not remembering what happened, especially if you are not with someone you know. I put myself in that situation last summer. After that I stopped drinking for awhile and began running everyday. I felt like a new person and realized I had way more fun not being fall down drunk. Then I told myself “okay I can just have a few drinks and ill be fine.” I was wrong.
I also have come to realize that a lot of my insecurities and self doubting behaviors are extremely exacerbated by alcohol. Something small that may not be a big deal on a normal day begins to eat at my thought process until it is uncontrollable and I break down or start disagreements and problems that don’t exist. It’s not worth it for me to lose someone I love so much just because I drink too much and embarrass myself or make poor decisions.
On the topic of poor decisions, within the last two years I also learned that drinking to excess causes me to be hyper sexual. To an extreme where I felt I NEEDED to get laid, needed to feel wanted. It was all because I believed I was so worthless and undeserving of real love and then would drink with the mentality of “Why not? Why does it matter if I’m already not good enough?” It’s that self loathing behavior and lack of self respect that I need to change. How can I expect anyone else to love and respect me if I can’t even love and respect myself?
When I am sober I am rational, I can keep a clear head and talk about things that are bothering me rather than bottling them up and creating some hypothetical worst case scenario in my head. I have goals and dreams. I found an amazing person I want I want to build a beautiful life with, someone to keep making memories with. I want to be someone he is proud to be with. Someone my daughter is proud to call Mom. Someone I am proud of. Well I guess I’ll wrap up, just wanted to start writing my thoughts and progress so when I have a day where I want to get hammered, I can remind myself of what I could lose.
Keep posting like this or keep a journal because eventually you’ll start to forget WHY you decided to choose sobriety.
This place is a wonderful with very helpful, caring people. You said you quit for a while before but started because you figured you could control it? That’s great that you already failed that test because it gets most of us. Now you KNOW you what’ll happen if you pick up again.
I would suggest sobriety literature, podcasts, meetings, exercise, hobbies to keep yourself occupied. Sobriety isn’t easy but your worst day sober is gonna be better than your best day drunk. Fellowship with other recovering alcoholics is Extremely important to maintain sobriety. Im glad you’re here, welcome.
Thank you so much!!!
Good for you for opening up and writing your story. Making a list of the cons of drinking helps when the urge comes. Nothing good ever comes from it.
Dan (@Dan531) makes a good point that fellowship with others in recovery is important. Addiction is a disease of escape, of running, of disconnection. Healing is about connecting, and learning how to belong. You do deserve that, to belong. You will learn how, by finding a community. There are lots of good ones here:
Online meeting resources
Take some time to listen in & hear others’ stories. You’ll find you hear some of your own story there too.
I myself am a recovering sex addict. I noticed in several of your posts you’ve mentioned alcohol and hyper sexuality - getting laid because you felt unworthy, unwanted, and someone having sex with you made you feel wanted. Drinking (or other drug use) and hyper sexuality are not uncommon, especially among women (I am assuming you identify as female, though if I’m wrong please let me know). It may not be a sex addiction - I don’t want to assume anything - but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone there. It may be informative to explore that “addiction pathway” for yourself: what is it about that type of sex - drunk sex after the bar, sex with random people, strangers - that feeds into your addiction / your beliefs? What is it about that which feeds your (current) image and beliefs about yourself? What do you believe about yourself that makes that type of sex seem desirable / deserved?
No matter what though, remember: you are an adult, who has been through a lot, and you deserve a sober, stable life, where you understand yourself, where you came from, and what you want. You deserve a sober life. You can have one. You can do this if you work a recovery program - you can have sobriety 
The gift of sobriety is the most wonderful gift in the world, and she does deserve it! I felt like my eyes were really open for the first time, it was all new, every sense really, felt brand new. And it has happened time and time again in sobriety. The growth never stops, and every second I’m blessed with is a miracle. I just have to keep at it, I seek God, and He nurtures me, and I see it happen with so many others and their Higher Power.
Thank you for sharing your story! And you are worthy of a beautiful life, and all of the growth that comes with it. 
This memoir is really good:
Good luck in your journey. Keep checking in on this forum. It’s helped me stay focused.
Wow, your story is so familiar. A lot of which I’ve lived n learned from. That part of finding self love. I remember the day, after many years of also many forgettable sexual encounters thinking that completed me. I woke up in a motel horrible hangover alone. N that day I awoke to self love n realized I was all I needed, I was complete. Thank you for sharing your story and I agree with what someone suggested, keep a journal, to back to this to remind yourself. Because I also after long period ,thought, it’s ok to have couple of drinks. N ended up slowly making it a daily habit…Life is so much better without it. All the best on your journey. This is a great forum with much support.
Hi,I found sharing your journey daily for the dlfitst 30days really helped me keep connected and get great feed back and guidance from others.
one day at a time
So glad you decided to share your struggles. I have found that the one thing that has really helped me is educating myself with the disease process of addiction. You see even though my Dad died from cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 54 from years of daily drinking, that wouldn’t happen to me because I don’t drink, other than teenage experimenting, I never have. And while I am intelligent and have a college degree, I was still able to think that there was nothing wrong with me, I only used recreational drugs. Never even considered that I was an addict. Don’t people see the kind of people who are addicts? That’s not me!
Until it was me! So because I was so uneducated on this topic, I started educating myself. There is an abundance of information on the web. You just have to look for it and keep looking until you find something that you relate to. It’s easy for us to throw ourselves into AA and the 12 step programs ‘it works if you work it so keep coming back’ we will do that, but we will easily give up on increasing our knowledge about the subject.
Don’t allow alcoholism or addiction blind you, it’s a very tricky thing. Do your research and Don’t stop. Welcome to this forum. I am new to it, but it’s already helped me. Good luck on your journey.
Your story sounds familiar… I was testing my boundaries during quarantine and also have realized this disease only gets worse as you get older and takes a role on your body and mind while drinking and while stopping. Congrats on your sobriety it’s the best thing for you and your family 
Thanks for writing this-I can really relate and and found it so inspiring.
Day 4 here. I appreciate you sharing. Lots of great suggestions in this thread. Blackout is a good book.
Thanks for the sharing! I can totally relate to what you wrote. Sometimes I’ve got blackouts and it’s the scariest thing. Make us eel depressed insecure and embarrassed. I was sober for 60 days have relapsed 2 days ago e I’m feeling like shit. But gonna try again. All the best for you and please keep sharing your thoughts
Just wow. I feel like I was reading my own thoughts, feelings and experiences through your whole post. Thank you so much for sharing this. You are so much stronger than your addiction. Keep coming back here every day. Reading and relating to others experiences really does help.
Thanks for the share your honesty is warming.
Might i suggest you consider a program for personal growth to attribute to the sobriet.
I dont want to say do this or do that. But just not drinking isnt sticking as easy as not drinking combined with learning to know you and grow you. For me NA works for others its SMART or AA. all is good as long as you work on rebuilding that self worth. Then you’ll have a fighting chance.
Thanks again, nice read!!
Awsome writing , thanks for sharing
I was already tired of drinking but stuck in the addiction when our quarantine started. I was drinking all day and realized I was just killing myself slowly.
I highly recommend doing some reading or listening to audiobooks! I started with the Unexpected Joy or Being Sober, and I’m almost finished with This Naked Mind. So helpful and eye opening.
Congratulations and thank you for sharing!
I just started “the unexpected joy of being sober” and so far very good. Now I’m even more excited to finish.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate with you about a lot! If you ever want to talk or need encouragement not to drink send me a message anytime 