My story - Tomek

Your Story
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16.10.2020.

I was thinking if I should or should not share my story, but at this point of my recovery I think I need it. Also others’ stories helped me a lot, and if mine helps anyone, than it’s worth it.
I was born into a quite conservative family. I had difficulties since my childhood, however I didn’t know what causes them. I felt so odd and different and I didn’t fit into others’ expectations. I started to develop and use my escape mechanisms to avoid reality. As I grew up there were more and more signs, and as I couldn’t find any explanation I blamed myself, I thought I’m faulty and wrong. In early adulthood I continued escaping throughout countries, languages, partners. Until I met a guy, felt balanced and happy, so I married him and had children. Oh yes, I forgot to add, I was born as a girl, raised as a girl, perceived as a girl. That time, that place, in my original family there was no chance to come to the realization, that I can have different gender than my original sex. When I questioned my gender I collided to the base rule: if I have female body I must be female. The whole world claimed the same, I had nothing against it, „only” my feelings. So having a family of my own didn’t solve my problems, it got worse and worse, I started to use alcohol as a tool, not as an enjoyment, until at one point I realized, I’m a guy. It explained everything. Also it was a huge trauma. My whole life collapsed, I lost everything including myself, everything I knew about me, I lost my past, I lost my future. I thought I will literally go crazy. That was the point when I started to drink heavily and started to have an unhealthy relationship with sex. I came out to my spouse, who reacted wonderfully, he told me he loves me, me as a person, and I always used to be quite boyish anyway. But still, he is straight, and I’m afraid, there is a point in transition where I can lose him. On the other hand I knew I cannot live as a girl, not even one more day. I started to wear men’s clothes, get man’s haircut, using the men’s room etc. These acts were really out of my comfort zone, because despite the fact, that I’m a hundred percent sure, I’m a bloke, I didn’t have any experience being a man, act like a man, being accepted as a man. I miss all the experiences one goes through during childhood and early adulthood. Now I pass quite well, based on appearance strangers think I’m a young guy, it makes things easier a bit. I’m buliding up my new identity, start getting familiar with feeling self-identical. I got sober, and came out to my parents, who have a hard time processing this information, which I completely understand. So now I have a straight husband who I can lose by transitioning, kids, who are losing their female mum, parents, who don’t want to see me at the moment and a best friend, who supports me and in return I fell in love with her (I’m bi) risking our friendship. And I have you, TS gang! I couldn’t survive without you. Thank you, guys!

EDIT: Update in the thread.

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I’m just going to say I feel privileged to have read this x
To tell us all here about your personal self is a big step and I feel honoured to have read your viewpoint its not easy and I cant even imagine what you are going through but what I want to say is I’m here to listen at any point.

Truely you are an inspiration mister and the raw emotions and life that you are daily dealing with shows the strength of who you are… A fricking warrior!

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Took a lot for you to share your story Tomek! And I feel privileged to be a part of a community that is totally inclusive and open to hear stories like yours.
Myself, being a bit of a dinosaur have had to get my head around such things and through having two lovely daughters, one of who is gay and a neice who is now a nephew, the last twenty years have been an eye opener I must say.
It’s just a shame that the rest of society is not as inclusive as this community.
Thank you for your brave and beautiful share.

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Thank you for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me!

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These phenomenon (although invisibly) existed even in the time of dinosaurs :slight_smile:
Thank you for your support!

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What a privilege to hear your story. Thank you for taking the time to share yourself here, it is inspiring when people open themselves up and let their truth shine through. I wish you strength and peace and love on your journey thru life. :heart:

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I wish I had time to write more before work. Let me just say - you are deeply brave and courageous to face your truth, to own it, to be it and live it - out loud, at home, and here too. I am in awe.
Easier said than done, but what others can’t accept about this, about you - let that be about them.
I am honoured and privileged that your shared your story with us. :orange_heart:

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This, I do of course realise. I’m just trying to convey that for some it’s an awful lot of adjustment needed to educate. And some people are not able to be educated.
I am a student of history and the history books tell how things have been over time. And how different attitudes and societies have felt.
As we progress through the future, attitudes will change, I see it in my daughter’s generation.

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That is a hell of a lot to go through, and still everything changing. And staying sober on top of that! How strong u are. I hope we can do something to support u. I have read some real sensitivity and perception in your posts, and look forward to sharing ur journey!

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I totally get that and I’m really glad that so many of you are so flexible in the way of thinking, feeling, acceptance. It takes courage, humbleness and humanity. And understandably not everybody possess these qualities. It’s just the way it is.
If society develops throughout history or not - it’s a very difficult question and I’m not so optimistic about it.

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You all already have done a lot. I really think, that I couldn’t do it without this community.

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Thank you so much for sharing your self so deeply with us all here. This just touched my heart. I really hope living as your true authentic self has made the man you truly are. Your story is one of strength and courage and finding your true center. I’m so happy for you :grin:

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Thank all of you guys for all your thoughts and support, it gives me strenght to go on.

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Hi,
I’m really pleased that you have been able to find out that you are male. I can understand that you may feel you have lost out on being a boy in childhood and it hasn’t been easy. You say your children have lost their female mother, well I don’t think they have lost anything - they still have YOU. My male cousin and his husband have two kids. They, and their friends think it is really cool having two Dads (Well actually “Dad” and “Pop”). I also know someone who has undertaken a gender realignment from male to female. Her wife found it difficult to adjust at first but love prevailed and she has since accepted it well. I guess sometimes it works that way, sometimes not. Best wishes on your continued journey of peace and self-discovery. :pray: :heart:

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These stories give me encouragement and hope. I don’t know, how will it affect my kids, they seem to be ok now, but who knows how they would handle more changes or how will they relate to it for e.g. in the teenage years. I try to be there for them, even though it’s hard sometimes whilst having so many problems. I should have realized everything earlier, so I wouldn’t have steered myself into this trap.

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Thanks, it really makes sense.

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Thanks so much for the share @Tomek. You’re an incredible brave and strong man. Your story moves me and motivates me to be clear and honest in my life, in my choices and in my dealings with others. it’s the only way to a happier better life. Hugs friend.

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@Mno Thank you, Menno! I’m glad you’re here.

So true. We only live once.

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Thank you for opening up and allowing us to be apart of your true self. We’re all here to love and support you on your journey.

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07.12.2020.

Recently I have hard time to identify my emotions and to figure out what are their driving forces, so I decided to write down my thoughts here, as it helps me to organize them.

In the last one or two years I’m kinda became emotionally naked in front of myself and others. I had to come out to many people and though they accepted me (except from my parents), still I feel unarmed and revealed to them. In my past I built so many walls around me that being honest with others is completely new for me. I’m not used to being honest with myself either. I feel really vulnerable.

I have been out of my comfort zone a lot. I have to speak a foreign language that I haven’t had time to learn well yet because I was busy drinking and having hangovers. To someone who had social phobia it’s a huge challange – but somehow I keep leading myself into such situations. I changed myself to a different gender and every step of it was on one hand joyful but on the other hand scary. I have this deep insecurity since childhood and not knowing the outcome of my acts, the reaction of others, my role or position in society scars me.

And I’m figured out how rootless I feel myself. Moving out from my country, being far from my friends and family not having a chance to communicate in my mother tounge (except close family) is pretty challanging. I’ve lost my former relationship with my parents too, although we communicate and they have a good relationship with the kids, we will never have that bond as before (I know it was messy and toxic and not unconditional at all, but at least these weren’t so obvious). Also the fact that I was kinda lost my gender makes me rootless as well. Although I know a lot about women both mentally and psysically, I’m familiar with their world, I do not belong to it obviosly. But I don’t fit into men’s world either, I didn’t have the experiences one has growing up, didn’t get affirmations, they don’t treat me as one of them in social situations. I know that these are just labels, but still it would be good to have some field of life where I could feel safe and home. I feel that I’ve lost my attractiveness, cause till now I was familiar with what others think of me but now I feel as if I were in an asexual world, where I’m not attractive to anyone at all. I know that my spouse doesn’t have any affection to guys, so when he approaches me it just tells me that I’m girlish. I am also rootless regarding my age, I’m 37 but still get carded in shops, because they think I’m a young bloke. I know that it’s not a big deal but it strengthen the feeling that my world and reality are moving away.

I just miss a fix point in my life, a place where I can belong.

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