Hi Tomek. This is a wonderful thread, thank you so much for sharing! I have no words of wisdom for you. As a cis girl, I can hardly fully relate to your feeling of not belonging to either world, but I do know what it is like to be deeply shaken in one’s foundations, second guess, overthink, debate oneself all the time, never knowing what the own feelings and if they fit in with the world, feeling left out and alone for other reasons than you.
So I can only say I see your pain and try to imagine what that must be like. You are uprooted in so many fields of your life atm. You have a spouse who loves you but is straight. Parents with whom the relationship is now overtly what it always was covertly anyway (the one point where I can indeed fully relate). You’re away from your native country and miss your language. You feel unfitting and sexually undefined and unclaimed as we are by the desires of others. This is a lot a lot to go through.
The only thing I can say to you is for all the pain and difficulty you are experiencing during these times, there is growing, learning, and a vast expanding of your life and experience happening at the same time. It’s probably less a tit for tat than a big messy dysfunctional calculation so excuse the bad metaphor. You are undergoing a lot of change and severe growing pains are involved. You are doing everyone here a massive service by sharing these experiences in my opinion so thank you so very much!
All you can do is go on one day at a time, as you are. And we are walking with you! 
Thank you very much for your kind words! You described exactly how I feel. It’s good to be understood.
Writing those things down was a great help for me – maybe I will continue to write here my thoughts occasionally. A day passed and I had time to think it through, because I’m sick, so couldn’t work. And I realized that I focus on the past way too much. I have to tear those dashed roots apart, because they are just holding me back, they doesn’t function well in my present life, so they should belong to my past. I have to accept that life has moved on and I have to move with it otherwise I will keep falling back to my addictions to tame the void. I should focus on my present days and I should do it as actively as I can. As I heard from @WCan many times: mood follows action and it’s one of the most useful quotes I have read here.
So now I have to find out what kind of actions would help me creating a home (also innerly), creating circumstances I feel safe in, aiming my focus to the day I live in.
25.12.2020.
Currently I’m working on understanding the driving forces of my feelings. I’m afraid, that so many distracting feelings are on the surface, that I don’t act according to my true self and it endangers my marriage.
It’s about sexual orientation.
In the past I denied every sign of attraction towards girls, because
- I grew up in a non-accepting environment
- I was convinced, felt deep inside, that I’m not a lesbian (I didn’t know that it’s not because of the lack of attraction but the mistaken gender)
- I was attracted to guys as well, so it was easy to act as expected
I thought, that any kind of attraction to girls is just my „fault”, it’s just another sign of me not functioning „normally”.
After coming out as trans it changed a lot and since then I feel this overwhelming attraction to women. I think it’s because
- the pressure of denial is gone
- I can feel myself more masculine near women
- I feel dysphoric and feminine if spouse expresses any attraction to me, because I know he isn’t into men
- it’s hard to belong to yet another minority. I just recently realized, how hard I wanted to be „normal” and fought against the concept of being gay. I haven’t held my spouse’s hand in public for a year, and I feel really anxious in situations, when others perceive us as a gay couple (usually they are just surprised or embarrassed, I haven’t really experienced hatred).
Having a crush on my friend also seems „fake” in a way. I have a feeling or hope, that it’s just caused by the circumstances.
- she is the only one who accepts me fully as a bloke
- currently she is the only fix point in my life and I used to underestimate the importance of this
These above listed reasons are mainly about my fears and about the perception of myself any not about the attraction itself, so I should be really careful about listening to these „voices”.
I have to figure out what I truly feel, because I kind of lost my interest in spouse and have this strong desire for others. It’s not about labeling myself, I just cannot let my marriage fall apart because of misunderstood emotions. I guess I have to work on accepting that I’m in a gay relationship. It is so weird and new for me. It’s weird, because the circumstances of our relationship were completely different at the beginning, it hasn’t developed to what it is now, we just found ourselves in the middle of this situation. After coming out to him I was so rude and wretched to him for months, I wanted to push him away, I guess I was secretly hoping, that he breaks up with me, so I have freedom to transition and to have a straight relationship. Escaping as always. I’m also extremely tired of the emotional work, it’s hard to start processing yet another difficult topic. But if I realize it, if I can word it and face it, I have at least a chance to cope with it. I write it down, because it’s so hard to share and it’s a sign, that I shouldn’t ignore it, I have to deal with it.
You don’t know how much you are helping me in writing down your feelings honestly and straight to the point. I know this is not your first goal but it’s true nonetheless. I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong body but I never felt like a typical male or belonging in the male world, nor in the female world for that mater. I guess in this day and age I identify as non binary but that was something that didn’t was thought of when I was younger. Anyway, you help me greatly. Stay on your road of (self)discovery friend. I admire you and I’m hoping I can express my struggle as well as you can right now. Which is the first step towards true recovery, acceptance and happiness. Love.
Bro, what a read! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen such naked courage and honesty. Thank you so much for feeling safe enough, and STRONG enough, to share here. I see you, I hear you, I feel you. 
If I may ask, what is your native tongue? You speak English better than most native speakers (me) but I’m assuming it’s not your first language.
Please continue in your journey with us knowing that we got your back! You bring renewed courage and strength to me on this bullshit holiday that leaves me angry and isolated (self inflicted) every year. So thank you.
Thank you, Jenna, your words mean a lot to me, the support of this community helps me so much to stay afloat. Thank you!
I’m really glad if my words help you in any way. When I was young I also missed the words to express my feelings, I didn’t know that these things exist at all, I felt alone with my problems and didn’t have the words to speak. In Hungarian there’s still no word for gender, it is the same word as sex, it’s even linguistically not an option to have different sex and gender. But instead of “what ifs” I rather try to be grateful that now I have the privilege to define myself and to be able to live according my true self. I’m really happy that you also have the opportunity, openness and courage to think about yourself from this aspect, because it can explain so many acts and emotions, it can clarify the past and clean the path to the future.
Thanks so much for your encouraging words, honestly it helps me a lot, and I don’t feel so alone.
My native language is Hungarian and I do struggle sometimes to express myself in English - but I’m glad it’s not that obvious from the outside 
You touched so much inside of me. Thank you for these strong insights and for the help you gave to me. And for the power you give so freely. Have a wonderful time
Thank you for your kind words!
16.01.2021.
So I realized, that until I’m afraid of not being accepted, I give others power. Power over my life. As I gave alcohol power and I gave cravings power, I gave my friend power over me. I thought, I need and have freedom, but instead I was the one that voluntarily gave it up. Nothing is worse than that. Now I’m sober but until I give power to these stuff with my thoughts and fears, I will never be free. So maybe the main task is not to accept myself, but to accept freedom, to take responsibility over my choices and make myself visible.
As far as I remember I didn’t have power over my thoughts and feelings in my childhood, I was told how I should think and feel in certain situations. Not 24/7 of course, but in significant topics and often enough to feel the necessity to fulfill expectations. I never had the dignity of making mistakes and take responsibility over them. Probably that’s why I stick to the feeling of others having power over me, because it’s familiar. I kept recreating the same environment around myself with booze and social anxiety. But now I can’t act like a child, can’t look for loopholes, can’t turn my head away. I don’t only have to face my life but I have to let others see it. I should let them judge me if they want without handing the power over to them.
I listened to an interview with a guy who said, we shouldn’t focus exclusively on accepting ourselves, but also on accepting others. If we are afraid, that others could be monsters who can unfoundedly hurt us, we will live in a world full of monsters. He is totally right. The good thing is: if we can create those monsters with our fears, we can uncreate them as well.
You are such a thoughtful, kind person. I can hear it in your words. So nice to hear you are working out all these things about yourself and others. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you. You have courage, my friend. 
Thank you for your kind words!
Tomek,
I have so truly enjoyed and benefitted from reading your thoughts, experiences, feelings, and, most of all, wisdom Thank you.
A few of my favorites:
“…mood follows action…So now I have to find out what kind of actions would help me creating a home (also innerly)…”
“I don’t only have to face my life but I have to let others see it. I should let them judge me if they want without handing the power over to them.”
“…we shouldn’t focus exclusively on accepting ourselves, but also on accepting others. If we are afraid, that others could be monsters who can unfoundedly hurt us, we will live in a world full of monsters… The good thing is: if we can create those monsters with our fears, we can uncreate them as well.”
Thank you, I’m glad if it was useful for you in any way. I’m at the beginning of this whole stuff and there is still so much for me to learn.
03.06.2021.
It’s been a while since I last wrote here.
I reached some kind of emotional rock bottom and it actually helps, it makes things a lot clearer. I decided to go on hormone therapy. It was a long way that led to this decision. I’m ready to let my parents go, probably I have already let them. It wasn’t easy but I learnt my lesson. I don’t fight with myself any more, I don’t argue with social expectations, I don’t care about others opinion. There’s no inner barrier left, just fear but I can handle that. I realized, that not my relationships, worldview or comfort zone is at stake but me. It’s not fight, but survival.
Wow, what you are doing for yourself is amazing and i feel privileged to hear about this decision you have come to, i can only imagine the back and forth of what to do with you parents has been hard on you!
This is the right path for you, you deserve to be you and congrats on going for the hormone therapy.
I hope you will carry on sharing your journey here.
I
Yeah, the fight from my parents’ side will reach its peak point in these months I guess as they are willing to do anything to avoid me going on hormones. But I think I have reached a point where their efforts can’t reach me any more.
Thank you! Actually I think it’s not bravery but rather survival instinct. People can do great things when running out of air.