I hope the hormone therapy helps you. Sounds like u are making strides towards a life that feels comfortable for u.
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Thank you!
Yes, towards a life that feels bearable for me.
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I am sorry that being you has made this situation!
I remember the battle i had internally for so many years and everytime i would have this conflict with myself my mind would answer ‘but what about you Danni, what do you want?’ it would always be a repeative loop that would make me think that this was my life and that the people who were against me didnt have enough care in what this was doing to me internally!
I can only say you only have one life and i don’ t regret letting my family go because i was at peace with myself… The destructive Danni could rest and i got to become the authentic me x
I’m sat here feeling sad that one of the most exciting moments of your life is about to start and you can’t celebrate it as it should be!
I’d of had a celebratory snack for you and a big ass smile because i’m happy for you x
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Yes, I feel the same, I reached acceptance, the last stage of grief, the grief of the love of my parents, of my secure and cozy life, of me as I used to know myself.
Reaching this point is tough but not bad actually.
That’s so kind of you!
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06.09.2021.
One week before starting hormone therapy (hopefully). I’m over the medical examinations and the psychological diagnosis. I have lots of questions and lots of fears.
What if I won’t be able to identify myself with my new look and it will feel gross?
What if I lose my voice and face and the new one will be strange forever?
What if I will never feel confortable with men’s world even if I belong there?
What if I won’t be able to build such close connections with women as before, because I will already be too remote for that?
What if I won’t be able to be happy with the changes, because it will remind me that the price for that was losing my parents and grandmother?
What if my kids will be traumatised by losing their mother and when I realize that it will be too late to change anything back?
What if my spouse will be deterred by that and our whole family falls apart?
What if it will be me who won’t be able to stay close afterwards?
Playing a girl feels safe. I know how to do that, I know the rules, the customs. I can be silent, I can hide. The promise of emotional safety draws me back.
I’m afraid to be seen, afraid to be heard. Terrified of the idea, that as soon as I give myself the first shot I will cease to be „normal”, I can’t deny it anymore and this whole stuff becomes reality.
I know, it has been reality for ages and all my fears originate in fearing the unknown, so no need to search answers for my questions. I’m terrified, but I know that that’s just a feeling, no more, no less. I mustn’t overcome it, I mustn’t react on it. I just have to tame it and live my life regardless. Fear itself is not a reason to give up, definitely not a reason to give up on myself.
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Massive questions, and I cannot imagine the turmoil behind them, much less what the answers could be. But the present is intolerable right? “playing a girl” as u said is painful. So the only thing is to jump into the unknown. Be brave, I support u.
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You’re right, playing a girl would be very painful, I would disappear. Disappearing is what I have been doing all my life (for e.g. by drinking), it feels comfortable, it’s familiar, it calls me, but I won’t fall for that this time.
That’s the one thing that stands out for me too. You’re very brave and you’re not alone Tomek. You’re doing this. Massive.
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Indeed, very heavy questions. I had a big theme last year which then ended in the point: doubt. A decision has to made and doubting is normal. I came to realise that there are not many topic where I don’t doubt. There is good and bad in almost everything. Except being sober. I don’t doubt this decision.
With every hour you come closer to the execution of your decision, I can imagine you get more nervous. And it’s understandable. I can understand. You have to walk this road on your own feet and you are not alone. I guess no one can give you the answers to your questions. You went through so much you made your decision and no matter the outcome it is you.
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23.09.2021.
I’m so pissed off about bureaucracy. It’s still 5 years till I can change my citizenship. If I change citizenship, I will be able to change my name and marker. For that I have to have a hysterectomy, even though I have healthy organs that don’t cause dysphoria and there’s no medical need to do that. (They say that testosterone increases the chance to have cancer in those parts, but that theory has already gotten disproved in researches in western countries.) So I have to have surgery to change my documents. Total bullshit.
For that surgery I have to be questioned in front of a committee, and for that application I have to be divorced. That is the most insane part of all. I would understand the need to be single for marker change, but for a surgery?! I asked it three times and my doctor was sure this is how it’s done. I will ask a local lawyer too. But if that’s right, I have to divorce. I don’t even know what kind of legal relationship can I have with the kids afterwards.
Every step of this procedure contradicts human rights. I’m not even sure if I’ll do any of this shit. I don’t want to be kicked out of the family for an unwanted surgery. And it sucks that we cannot even re-marry. But the idea of never using my name officially, of being called by my old name by doctors, teachers, office workers, mailmen or having the cops called on me because I have controversial documents and explaining myself all the time… it saddens me deeply.
This isn’t my biggest issue to deal with at the moment, but it still makes me mad. Sometimes I think I moved to the wrong country. But still better than homeland.
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Thank you!
I will consult with a lawyer, but others have already took it to Strasbourg and it was declared to be against human rights, yet the law is still in force.
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I’m sorry for being simple but do you need to be divorced to a hysterectomy?? It’s that for everyone or just for people wanting to change their sex?
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Apparently this is the condition if you want to change sex. I don’t get it either. Probably because it goes through this committee that questions you and they follow your process and give permissions for surgery, for temporary name change and for final name change etc. Probably that’s why they need to have this paper done at the very beginning. But at the end of the day it’s still bullshit.
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If I follow it through I have to divorce anyway, there’s no same-sex marriage here. But this whole process is so humiliating.
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Words fail me!!
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This all sucks big time. To say it lightly. I’m sorry.
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Thank you for sharing your story. We drink to escape, dont we? I definitely did… drink to avoid fixing my relationship or ending… drink to deal with a screaming, troubled child… drink to just feel amazing if even for a few hours that I wont remember. Im gay and it is my humble opinion we are the bravest of the brave fornliving our truth and withstanding the attacks of the evil around us. I pray we all find the love to drown out the bad stuff. We are all God’s children and he loves us as we are and where we are. God bless on your journey in life - the best is yet to come! 12 days here.
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Here anytime for you
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No words, all that is just awful.
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Thank you!
It is at least 5 years away from now and I haven’t really allowed myself the idea of having a future, it’s more like a day-to-day living, so it’s not a practical problem at hand at the moment. The concept pisses me off though.
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