Explaining TS by giving examples how it works for alcoholics might work. Nobody is describing how good beer tasts or which wine to prefer. Just an idea…best of luck and stay strong
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@KevinesKay, I am so sorry that this is the struggle your facing right now. In a perfect world we should have the utmost support of our loved ones as we walk the path each and every day of our recovery. I echo the thoughts of those who have advised to sit down with her and have her look at TS to see what it is all about. I also can’t help but wonder what sort of trust issues have burdened her heart to not be comfortable to allow you to lean on others to help you stay sober and on the road to recovery. There has to be more there, though, just what isn’t my business. It may be worth trying to understand and have compassion for whatever it is so maybe you can address and set her mind at eàse. Sorry if these thoughts seem scattered. Trying to respond and get to my next work meeting. If it’s okay, I’m going to put you and your family in my prayers. Hang in there man.
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Hiya Kevin,
I’m going to guess that you’ve spoken to your wife and she knows you’re safe; im hoping that you are.
Have you spoken in detail to your wife about why she is against you finding outside support? Is she able to provide you the support you need as a spouse/addict?
It’s really easy for us all to jump on the ‘unsupportive wife’ wagon but in my opinion, she must have her reasons…whether that’s because of an insecurity or because of evidential acting out through these mediums of support, I dont know. Has she ever given you her reasoning as to why she was against you trying to find support in recovery F2F instead of online?
The thing that sticks out in my mind here is where you said “She was hurt but she wanted to be a part of it.” The subsequent forms of support you found, you said you did so without her knowledge - so is the problem that shes really unsupportive or is she being un/supportive in the right/wrong way?
It could very well be that enough is enough and you want a divorce and if that’s the direction you see it going in, you should follow that if it aids in your recovery and your happiness - No-one should have to feel like they have to hide something from their spouse and if that’s happening, you’re probably best out of it.
It’s in our nature as addicts to want/need to recover in our own way and there will be people who just cant accept it.
I wish you all the best
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If you are a Christian you should not get divorced over anything. Work your problems out but remembwr you made a promise before God till death.
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Kevin it’s been said very well already. If you haven’t yet contact them immediately and let them know you’re ok, it doesn’t have to go beyond that. After you’ve calmed down show her TS, her misunderstand of TS is from a lack of knowledge. Then explain that what you’re doing is for your mental/physical/spiritual/martial health.
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Sorry you have to go trough this. Hope you and your wife have talked allready.
Enough good advice given above, just wanna give you a big hug! 
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Man, what a terrible position you are in. Here is the only real advice I can give without being pissed off on your behalf…
The most important person in anyone’s life should always be themselves. We are not capable of being what other people need if we are not healthy ourselves. Many people abuse this principle, but I don’t see you being one of them. There is ABSOLUTELY such a thing as healthy selfishness. Without it, we are lost. Without it, we are useless to others.
I see a lot of toxicity going on here, a lot of controlling. You know that this is never good for anyone on either side. I pray (in my own way) that you find the serenity, courage and wisdom to get through this, and that you have the strength to do what is best.
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Hi everyone.
Thank you for all of your support.
So I did text my wife that I’m ok. She arranged an appointment with us to speak with our pastor at 2PM. So I wanted to take the opportunity to try to work things out.
Came home at 1:30pm. My wife reiterated that all she wants to do is stand with me and help me. But I keep holding secrets. My 8 eight year old gave me the biggest hug. They were both crying.
My wife thought I really wasn’t coming back. This major conflict hasn’t happened in our marriage in a while. She told me that she not only contacted our pastor, but she also contacted my mom. And my work. She asked my manager if I actually got fired because I’m off for 4 days. Then she went to our bank and talked the manager there to cancel my debit card so i would have no money. 
Whoops hit reply…I’ll continue in a second post.
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This is important. This is at the root of everything. As hard as it will be for the both of you, honesty and transparency is the only path forward. It is the hard path.
The hard path leads to an easier life. The easy path leads to ruin.
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So we meet the pastor. One of his recommendations is that I go to a physical face to face meeting as opposed to leaning on a sobriety app for my recovery. My wife agrees. wow… She wasn’t so keen about it before.
Hey. I’ve got no problem with that. But she’s not ok with SLAA, or SA or SAA. Maybe Celebrate Recovery. But only if they separate the men from the women. Because she doesn’t want me to pick up any hussies. That’s how she put it.
Reaching out to @anon36296096 and @deaineric.
Does CR have such a practice. If not, she would prefer me to settle for Reformers Unanimous. Either way, I don’t really care. Make up your mind! I just know that I’m am weak. And I need help. How hard is that for people to understand?
And after the visit with our pastor, she asked me how long will it take for me to recover. That maybe I’ll be better in a few months and she’ll have her husband back.
People don’t get it, do they?
I’m a lifer. I need support for the rest of my life. Until I’m dead. For me to say I’ll be able to handle this on my own is like saying that I’ll never sin again. Ridiculous. We all sin. And if I’m not going to stop sinning, even if I want to stop, what makes anyone believe that I’m not going to sin in the manner that I’m most susceptible in?
So my wife shared that she doesn’t want me on TS a lot. Once a week. Okay, maybe once a day to check in. Feels I’m trading one addiction for another. So I’ve been on the down low. Family has been watching me like a hawk to see if I get my phone.
I don’t like being controlled. And I feel like my recovery is being placed in the hands of newbies.
Its times like these when I really question the love for my wife and family. we’ve been together for 13 years. I don’t really want to leave them. But we’ve been doing this same dance of off recovery, back on recovery, wife wants me off again, on again. I’ve had enough!
Now you understand why I kept this a secret from my wife. I’m not sure how well this is going to play out.
Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts and your compliments. I will do my best to make this all work out. Really glad to be sober today.
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So herein lies your problem - She’s insecure that you might be unfaithful.
…in this sense anyway. But there is definitely more
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Do they have a Al Anon type thing for your addiction?
The thing that stands out to me in all your writing is that she wants you to recover, but she wants it done her way…and I don’t think that’s gonna work. You do recovery that works for you since it’s your addiction not hers.
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Talking to the pastor? Okay
Talking to your employer? Not okay
Cancelling your debit card? Not okay.
Interfering with your recovery? NOT okay!
I would seriously evaluate if this is the type of woman I want in my life.
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Or, “Do they have a Christianity-based Al-Anon thing?” Or just Al-Anon. This is straight up Al-Anon stuff.
The thing about being transparent was a salient point, @KevinesKay. She certainly reacted, but it can take a lifetime to work through the expectations forged in our addictions. All we can do is hope we’re given an opportunity to keep growing, then change.
Glad you were able to find some progress.
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Your wife doesn’t trust you and looks like you cannot trust your wife either 
That looks like a big issue to work on. Can your pastor do marriage counseling or can you both go to a counselor? Looks you both need help. This is more then your addiction for sure.
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CR does separate men and women for group purposes and step study. The beauty of CR is that it can be for anyone.Take your wife with you. She can go to the womens groups. They have one for women that addresses life issues. That could be helpful for her too. Celebrate Recovery addresses hurts, habits, and hang ups, whatever they may be. Most people think that because they don’t have an addiction that they have nothing to recover from. That isn’t necessarily always true.
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I’m really truly sorry to hear about your predicament, I think everyone else have already given some great words of wisdom and advice. I hope you guys can resolve this, my thoughts are with you. X
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You said your wife has 2 sons previous to your relationship?
How were her previous relationships?
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Communication, to me, is always important in situations. Have you sat down with your wife and discussed the issue? I mean honestly. Why you watch it? What you enjoy about it? Discuss your sex life. Let her express her insecurities so that you are aware of them and address them as well. Put it all out in the open and let her put it all out too. Not in an argument but a discussion. This is how I feel. This is why I do what I do. This how it makes me feel when you do this or that, etc
Pray together. Get on your knees side by side holding hands, pray for his strength, power, and guidance. She may not understand what your going through but you’re in this marriage together. So, you need her help and support to work through these issues as well. God brought the both of you together and God can help you both through this. All you have to do is ask him.
Romans 7:18 says: For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
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Your wife NEEDS Al-anon. She clearly doesn’t understand what it means to have an addiction.
I think that is the first step. See how that goes before deciding what the second step even is.
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