I believe hes a porn addict not alchy.
I understand thatā¦but Iām thinking itās about learning to understand to live with someone who has an addiction. Just like some drug addicts go to AA rather than NA. Ultimately the steps are the steps.
I have a co-worker who goes to al-anon yo work through her sonās drug addiction.
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Just saw this. Sorry Kevin. Rachel definitely tolerates my TS usage. I should be more forward with her on what we discuss here. Iāve shared some, but not everything, obviously. However, itās not like Iāve hidden it from her either.
Cant give you advice. But, if I were in your shoes, Iād sit with my wife and show her through the threads I frequent. Talk to her about the purpose of them. That stuff. Iāll be praying for you, Kevin.
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Thatās a good point. Al-anon would be helpful to anyone. It doesnāt necessarily have to be an alcoholic or an addict. Support is support
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Iāll reserve my thoughts to myself because my personality type wouldnāt take kind to being controlled when Iāve been actively doing everything in my power to adhere to her wants and needs. Iāve been in relationships with insecure people and itās mentally exhausting and emotionally draining. That sounds like a personality trait she isnāt going to compromise on anytime soon. Good luck with your next moves.
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@KevinesKay I worked the Addiction Recovery Program through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for years. It also separates males and females. Very scriptural based. There are other support meetings for spouses.
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Wishing you strength and courage, Kevin. I hope that you and your wife can come to a place where you can reconnect and rekindle your marriage so that you can each have your needs met. I am very much in support of a strong marriage to raise a healthy and happy child. Thinking of you and your family.
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@KevinesKay - can your pastor help mediate you two to understand your respective points of view and fears so that you can ensure you get the support you need for your recovery? And maybe couples and individual counseling for both of you by someone with specialism in your type of addiction?
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Building on that, I also think that it is easy for people to fall into the trap of thinking itās just āthe addictā that has to change and put in all the work. As if there arenāt any other issues and if the addiction wasnāt there then everything would just be ok. Maybe thatās true for some people but I reckon in most relationships, when things are difficult then both parties need to be prepared to put in the work.
@KevinesKay I think you need to find a way of being honest about your needs. Secrecy wonāt help either of you and setting strict conditions on things that help your recovery is nuts. Even if it is swapping one addiction for another - spending time on a support app (which is all public, as @Bootz rightly points out) vs sex and pornographyā¦?
What did you say when she asked about how long it will take you to recover?
I really hope she is open to genuinely learning more about addiction and working on herself as well as your relationship. Celebrate Recovery sounds like it could be a really good option for both of you.
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My roommate is neither an alcoholic or an addict. She started attending Celebrate Recovery and is in the 12 step class. Sheās going to address her codependency issues and negative behavior patterns. She enjoys it and has found it very helpful.
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I love you guys, all of you.
Thank you for every one of your kind and thoughtful responses.
I really feel loved and touched.
Updates:
My wife isnāt as upset with me leaning on TS as I thought she would be. She mentioned to me that I do what I need to do. She doesnāt have the emotional energy to play an active role on my recovery.
sheās been through a lot of trauma as a child. Dealing with these issues flood her mind with painful memories. sheās tried dealing with them before, but sheās feels better just focusing on her life right now as opposed to rehashing the past.
Now, I know that this goes against one of the promises of AA. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. But what Iāve learned on TS is that we all have different paths. There is no one path to recovery that works for everyone. And my wife has found a way to manage this in her way and I will not force her to change. I love her right where she is at. Iām able to see her pain.
She doesnāt want to meet the pastor again tomorrow. Just rather have me go alone. She says that it stirs up feelings from her past that are too painful to bear when we discuss such issues. Iām not going to push her. Mentioned to our pastor that Iām willing to meet with him alone if heās willing.
So some really goods things are coming about through all of this.
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I get to stay on TS. Yea!
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I get to go to Celebrate Recovery. Next meeting is Friday. Yea! My wife felt better when I shared that they separate the men from the women. Thanks @anon36296096.
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There is no secret Iām carrying with my wife. She shows that she wants to support me and love me. And trusts that Iām doing what I need for myself.
Iāve shared some framework that I want to follow with her.
- No more secrets.
- Limit my cellphone use when Iām with her or the family. No playing games or email or TS while weāre together.
- Go to CR every week.
- Incorporate the to-do list back into my life. The focus with this is to practice demonstrating love for myself, for God, and for others, particularly my wife. She saw amazing change when I followed this practice before.
Thatās a bunch of changes. It means that TS will not play such an active role in my life. My time is very limited. I have take what I get and make it work.
At this time, I will only commit to posting on the daily check in thread and my accountability thread. (And my balloon thread 
). I will not have time to catch up on all the unread threads or many new ones. Although, I will still try at times.
But Iām so thrilled that youāre all still a part of my life!
My wife felt happy yesterday, and so did I. thereās a lot of hope. She mentioned that Iāve not been good over the past few months. sheās glad to know whatās finally going on. Wondered if TS was really helping me. I shared to her that Iām doing this because I ultimately want to be a better person, a better father, a better husband, and to draw closer to God. This made her happy.
Thank you again everyone.
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I am so happy for you, and that you and your wife have found a way to help each other. I am happy for your daughter that she gets to keep her little family together, under one roof. Much blessing to all of you and I look forward to checking in on your words of wisdom and advice.
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Beautiful post!! It truly is wonderful when we are truthful and vulnerable with our partners. All relationships go thru struggles, that is for sure. Only we know the heart and truth of our marriage. I am glad you have a positive plan together.
I agree that it is good to meet your wife where she is at right now. That is a gift.
May you both grow together.
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Thatās great news! Going to CR will be awesome. Iām sure that TS has played a role in your life but by going to CR youāll be surrounded by fellow Christians that are struggling. You can only be responsible for your own recovery. I will keep your wife in my prayers. Dealing with trauma isnāt easy. A lot of people donāt realize the freedom that can come out of it. She needs love and support just as much as you do. It sounds like you have a good plan in place. God bless you and your family!! As we say in Celebrate Recoveryā¦YAY GOD! This is definitely a yay God moment!
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That is wonderful news! Iām very happy for you, Kevin.
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So happy for you Kevin!! 
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WONDERFUL update. I wish you and your family the best.
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Thanks for sharing Kevin, I wish you and your family love, happiness, sobriety, understanding and connection - which you clearly have : ) I love how brave and determined you are! Youāre a good soul. 
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Iām so glad to read this! God bless you and your family.
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Iām so happy to read this update, pal. It reminds me of the line in the st Francis prayer - may we all seek to understand, than to be understood. It is beautiful to hear about you seeking to understand each other. 
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