Hello. Welcome here to my journey. I will write here everyday feelings and thoughts while being sober from benzos. You might already know what happened, but if you don’t know, in short: I a lot relapsed, especially with benzos. I relapsed due to my mental health, I wanted to feel better and thought after it I will be okay and will not use it more and more, which of course didn’t happen and I used more and more.
But here I am right now. I keep my shit together so I don’t give up. Because I do not want to give up. I did some shit to myself, now it’s time to learn from it and keep going.
If you have any ideas or tips how to help myself in these days and weeks, I will be only glad. I really need some support and help right now.
Anyways.
Day 1.
I already feel some symptoms of withdrawal, such as insomnia, exhausting and anxiety. I know it’s only start of the hell which I will have in next days and weeks, so I’m preparing. I will be soon leaving as well to Italy, so I’m finding there psych ward or rehab. My boyfriend is helping me with it, he said that he wants to be sure that near me will be professional. I’m honestly sorry for my boyfriend that he like this has his first experiences with drug addicted person, who even didn’t realise they’re addicted.
I’m feeling tired honestly… A lot of thoughts, which are negative. I want to sleep. How I said, I have insomnia, so I don’t properly sleep. I will try to sleep now.
Day 3.
Skipped checking on day two, because I didn’t have energy. I had horrible night, where I was a lot anxious and paranoid (especially paranoid about me having in bed bugs, so I was lying on the floor. I really, really dislike bugs, they make me feel a lot angry and as well scared)
Otherwise at day I had fine time with my boyfriend and our friends. We chilled, talked and more. My boyfriend as well buyed for me some food because I didn’t eat for more then 24hours and at morning I vomited (I drank actimels, it’s in some way protein milk I could say. Maybe right now I shouldn’t drink milk? Idk), so I didn’t eat. When we were driving to home out of nowhere he said to me thank you that I try to help him even if I’m not im good mental state right now (I gave him some contacts to psychiatrists which can just diagnose him something because he lately is worried if he’s autistic or just traumatised). He shared with me his another parts of his past, where he mentioned untrustworthy relationships with his parents, which I a lot felt, because something similar I had and still have with my mother. I didn’t expect to be him like this, but it makes me feel in my heart warmer. I think that what he had in his childhood affected him and he’s now scared to find and talk to people, because he might think they will hurt him like his parents did to him. Or at least I have it like that (also yeah, he’s a lot scared to find people to talk with, because of it he thought he has autism, now he thinks it might be in some way trauma and will soon contact psychiatrist). So I now know a bit more about him. He’s like some very big book which I slowly read and get know more details. It’s interesting. He’s interesting.
While me soon will drive away to Italy and I think I found rehab wherr I will be for month, maybe even more, doctors there will say to me how much time. I honestly can’t wait for new chapter of my life, where I recovery and find myself, but as well I’m really scared, because I already have really bad two nights behind my back and these nights show me soon or later I will have peak of drug withdrawal. But… How my mother said, where is fear, there is strength. So I will believe it will make me stronger.
Also look what I have!!! T-shirt with creeper from Minecraft. It may look from me childish, but who cares? It makes me happy.
(I love a lot creeper from Minecraft)
Love Minecraft stuff. My son has an oversized fleece hoodie with creepers all over it, for bedtime. May steal it when he grows out of it (he has just grown taller than me!)
I’ve just read about some of your struggles lately. I don’t feel qualified to talk about benzos, I’ve no experience of being addicted to them myself. Although I have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, these things aren’t linear, and what one person goes through might be very different to another persons experiences.
I think exhaustion is probably exacerbating your paranoia, so get as much rest as you can. I just want to send you some love, and I pray for some peace in your mind
What why do you love creepers I can’t count how many times I screamed because they killed me right after finding diamonds especially on mobile when cheat codes didn’t exist back then.
And I’m happy to read you’re going to rehab is it your first time?
Btw I’m also clean from benzos, now day 20. They were never my main Drug of choice and I don’t crave them at all but therefore I crave PCP.
But I’ve had severe withdrawal from it two times, there was a lot of irrational fear involved and even suicidal thoughts. Withdrawal may be different for you but I just wanted to say I know how strong you are for doing this! We can live a life without repeating it if we choose to day by day ! I’m sending you much strength on your path
Hah! Felt. Also yeah, this is gonna be my first rehab ever. I’m excited honestly, but as well scared. What will wait for me? No one knows. I only hope for the best. Also for sure I will check Italian psychiatrists so they can answer to me on my few questions. Maybe I will be diagnosed with something new, maybe not. We will see.
Day 4.
Nights are getting more intensive and worse. I have very anxious hallucinations about having a lot of bugs in my bedroom. I hate a lot bugs and it makes me feel a lot anxious, I might have phobia from it, who knows.
Hiding under my blanket I after few hours finally fell asleep. But then my dog decided to aat 4am woke up. I was honestly a lot angry, because at that moment I had only 2 hours of sleep.
Then my boyfriend went early to work, so I only fell asleep at 7am. I will be sleeping today, I don’t go somewhere for today, so yeah.
Yesterday before night was really fine. My boyfriend buyed to me matcha ice tea with vanilla flavour. And we as well found two books for really low cost of money! So I buyed two new books. I started to read them and honestly they cost way more then 99czk! Their quality is really, REALLY, good. But maybe I was lucky to buy them for so low cost.
1 week.
Hey. I wasn’t here for few days, because my PTSD decided to play on my nerves and as well on hardcore mode. Tonight I had bad flashbacks about my ex boyfriend. It was such horrible…
As well my symptoms from drug withdrawal becomes slowly worse. I started to vomit blood and I have issues with toilet things. Again back on track when I as well don’t eat a lot. To stay hydrated I at least drink water, especially in this hot weather…
Soon I will leave to Italy on rehab, so I really hope I will survive it all. Peak symptoms are coming and I can feel it.
My alters are doing fine. They help me and in fine times on these days we played videogames together. It’s fun. We just finished one videogame “Hello Charlotte”. Before that we played “Milk Inside” & “Milk Outside” (short versions of names of these two games. Also yeah, I have pfp of character from “Milk Outside”!). These games so much remind of me and it makes me feel… Not so much lonely.
So yeah. That’s it. Somehow living, but not saying this time that I don’t want to live. Because yesterday I realised I want to live.
And I will.
OH love this is so lovely and comforting to hear. The motivation to live and want to be a part of the living world is HUGE. This positive thought process will hopefully help you overcome your demons. Do stay hydrated and take care of your vessel. I do hope that you have someone around looking in on you as you are going through these withdrawals.
I am sorry you are going through so much and wish you the best in getting to Italy for your rehab. In the meantime, we are here for you! Much love my friend - stay strong!
Day 8.
Packing my things for Italy and rehab. I tonight drive away. I honestly can’t wait - this Summer will be very different for me, but in positive way. I feel like I started new chapter of my life, where I discover more closely my disorders, myself, my life… Everything.
This Summer will change me mentally…
I now cough with a little bit of blood. But at least I don’t vomit blood like it was on these weekends. Another symptom of drug withdrawal in my case: I started to have very big problems with normally going to wc and my head hurts after a lot of activity, feeling a lot exhausted. Anxiety and paranoia don’t leave me. They’re attacking me especially when I’m having flashback period or I’m not in good mood. But my system helps me, they protect me from them. Stas was right, together we are stronger. I’m glad I have them.
Positive thing: I started eat normally after all. I don’t skip meals and I eat full meals. Breakfasts again make me a lot happy and give me some energy. Because of it I can a bit work on my visual novel which makes me a lot happy.
I was honestly a lot angry, because at that moment I had only 2 hours of sleep.