P. S.: adding some sketch arts for that visual novel!
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love em all – how are you doing today?
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Drawing! So I today feel creative. Things are packed for Italy and rehab, a bit of worrying, but I have good mood. 
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love the small positive changed my friend - i do hope that you keep it up and do have someone helping you during the withdrawals - spitting or vomiting blood is scary.
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Thank you a lot. I hope soon I will stop having blood. 
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Day 9.
Hello from Germany! Me and Dizel. 
Today I will get firstly in Innsbruck, Austria, tommorow I will driving to Italy and will chill few days before my rehab. Then for me will wait rehab. Time flies so fast…
Still coughing with blood, but it gets better. Another shit symptom: No matter if it’s hot weather or cold weather, I’m shaking and feeling cold, so I need to wear hoodie to feel a bit of warmth.
Also I’m a lot confused from my feelings honestly, especially with my sexuality… I’m in ace spectrum and not so far in time I thought that I’m greyasexual/demisexual and can have sexual life, but after few experiences with my boyfriend I realised it a lot triggers and makes me flashbacks to my ex boyfriend, who abused me a lot and even tried to rape me… So I think I’m asexual but in way of traumatised one. It sadly affects me. Maybe rehab will help me as well with this thing, because I don’t want to be limited in something what I enjoy - in this case my sexual life with my boyfriend. Maybe it will sound strange, but I enjoyed what we did together and we both every time agreed, but… After that all I had flashbacks. So yeah… My brain is completely weird as fuck.
When I realise it, I’m way more confused every time. But whatever. I learnt how to live with my brain.
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9 hours of traveling from Prague, Czech republic to Innsbruck, Austria… Oh my god. My back hurts so much and I’m exhausted. Also right now at evening I feel in some way anxious… Anxiety and PTSD with symptoms of drug withdrawal again attacks me. I will take hot bath to calm down…
Still wondering why I’m like this and I can feel my ex bf’s hands on my body… Sigh… PTSD is really shit. I hate it. I hate my ex bf, too.
I don’t want to think of that all. So I will just watch serial.
Soon I will be with sea, then with professionals who will help me.
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Oh being with the sea sounds lovely- water is do soothing. Best of luck with healing with the professionals 
Hope you enjoy your serials and get your ex out of your mind
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Day 10.
Night was hard. I didn’t sleep very well, I feel like I didn’t sleep at all. Only third cup of coffee and strong cigarette helped me to function today.
This time it was 8 hours of traveling. One hour less then yesterday, but still same effect! Feeling tired.
I had again bad flashbacks to my past while I was showering and I felt so… Dead I could say. But right now I’m eating pizza and looking at the sea from window… And I feel in some way peace. I feel like everything will be alright. It’s nice feeling. I will go to walk at late evening later for ice cream. Tommorow I will swim in sea. Can’t wait for this salty water, which will tightly hug me! I don’t know why, but water is for me therapeutic, whenever I have bad flashbacks. Maybe because of it I didn’t feel that shitty, while I was showering.
I’m glad to be in Italy. Can’t wait for rehab. I saw that they have swimming pool and gym area. It’s something what I need now, swim and work on my body. And as well with my mind.
I feel this Summer will change me in better way. I’m smiling while I write this. 
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Hoping for good changes for you friend. Have a good time in rehab.
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Thank you a lot.
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When do you checkin to rehab?
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Hello! I’ve been following your journey in these days and I wanted to say congratulations on your attitude and courage. I’m tapering off xanax (started a couple of days ago) and I know it will be a bumpy ride, but I also want to be free of any substances that alter my mood.
I’m glad you arrived safely in Italy and I hope you started your rehab.
Stay strong, Nastya, we’re all rooting for you!
(oh, and I also wanted to say I fell in love with Prague when I visited the city two years ago and plan on visiting the Czech Republic again… hopefully :-))
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I already tommorow at morning drive to the rehab. Honestly… Can’t wait, but also scared.
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Aww, thank you so much for kind words! I believe you can do being sober. 
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Day 11.
It’s gonna be soon 2 weeks being clean from benzos. It makes me happy.
Last day being in little city, because tommorow I drive to rehab. I’m excited, but also scared. But I believe I can do it. Because I can!
This day was really good. Had late breakfast with Italian nutella and enjoyed sea. I felt how sea is hugging me tightly. I feel like my body is clean from dirty shit.
Right now I’m enjoying fish burger. First time trying it and oh my goodness! It tastes really good. I love fish with my whole heart, I swear.
Also update about my symptoms. I stopped to have blood whenever I cough. I think sea helped me to stop it, so I’m really thankful. But I still cough, but I’m already used to it.
Sometimes my head hurts, but I found out that I just need to deeply breathe, so it will stop. Still feeling inside of my chest tired and in some way depressed and overthinking stuff, but it’s getting better. At least for now, because you never know what can happen.
But for sure: whatever it will be, I will be alright. I’m strong and will fight this shit. I’m slowly becoming and level uping to be a better person. Every day, hour, minute, second.
And in deep of my soul I can hear, how my voice says that everything is gonna be alright.
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Day 12.
Only two days and it will be 2 weeks! I’m so glad. 
I’m already in rehab. It’s nice here. From my window I can see nature and some people walking around. They’re possibly part of rehab or just people. I don’t know. I will see at dinner. I came here already after lunch, so I’m now excitingly waiting for dinner. Mainly because I’m hungry and also I’m excited to meet new people, even if I have social anxiety.
My room is really nice here. Little silly room with bed, some kitchen and bathroom. I feel like I’m in my flat, but way more smaller then usual. Nice association!
When I arrived I was checked and stuff. Then was at diagnostics. I got diagnosed with OCD and substance use disorder (in short SUD, which I will use for future), also my PTSD was rewritten to CPTSD. Now I know who stands behind my severe mood swings! 
If thinking about these two new diagnosis, I’m honestly surprised with OCD, but… Also I’m not. I have mine own in some kind of way ‘rituals’, which I do everyday, so it makes sense.
As well doctors will watch me to get me diagnosed if I have just psychosis or it’s way more something else (schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder etc.). My therapist is in contact with them, so they know details. Know about my attempts, stuff which I survived… It’s weird to look at doctors here which already know most of things about me. But as well explaining them everything by myself would be… Hard. So I’m glad my therapist told them important stuff, so they can help me.
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Wish you good luck and growth in your rehab journey. Very good they already know some details 
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Thank you a lot!!
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It’s great news you “settled in” in your - for the moment, of course - new home and that you are feeling good. You sound like you feel comfortable there.
Wish you a huuuge success with your rehab!
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