I’ve gone through a lot the last year. Custody battles, child support, etc. Things are getting better but I can’t seem to keep myself sober. In the mornings I hate myself and by the end of work I’m drinking again. Only time I don’t drink is when I have my child.
I want it. To be sober. I really do. Tired of embarrassing myself so I deleted FB. Tired of fighting with my ex about shit that doesn’t matter anymore.
Just wanna grow and enjoy life again.
Why is this so hard?
Why am I my own worst enemy?
How can I help myself?
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Oh that vicious cycle. I remember well lying my head down to sleep (pass out) and praying I would either die or that somehow I would get sober. Or waking up with dread and anxiety knowing I had failed again and feeling so defeated and ashamed…and suicidal. Yet somehow I would do it all again. Over and over. Hate for myself growing. Suicidal thoughts getting louder. Shame my constant companion. No life but a half life. I drank for 40+ years, the last 10 were pretty wretched, not that the earlier years were that much better. So I feel you. It sucks to be on that hamster wheel, spinning to infinity and nothing but self loathing left.
How do we get sober? I swear I wondered the same thing for years. How??? For myself, it was being sober TODAY. Forgetting about tomorrow, staying present in this day right now and making it thru this day sober. I can do this for one day. Repeat repeat repeat. It sounds simple, and it is…but it is also hard in our mind. We complicate it.
Focus on being sober today. If 24 hours is too long, focus on this minute, this hour.
Take a walk if you need to, fresh air is good for the soul and walking can help take our minds elsewhere. Read sobriety memoirs, and or threads in here and other sobriety sites. Lots of folks find support in a program, check some out. Keep lots of comforting food around. Warm toasty cocoa or sparkling seltzers are helpful. Lots of water and hydration. Sleep as much as you can. Baby yourself and your sobriety. Avoid places you drank at. Change up your routine a little if you can. Guideded meditations to help ease your mind are great. Check in here if feeling cravings.
I will join you in being sober today. 
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@Starting_Over…I don’t know if you’re a spiritual person or not, but what I do is pray,read a scripture that pertaining to what I’m feeling. My grandmother used to say…an idle mind is the devil’s work shop and I truly believe that. When your mind is on anything that’s not positive, Satan will whisper in your ear,next thing you know you are using or drinking, like you said getting into arguments over nothing which will lead to using or drinking. Speaking for myself reading the Bible and praying helps me in my recovery and let’s me know that he if no one else is walking with me on my journey, for the simple fact he woke me up the morning I had my heart attack in my sleep and gave me the opportunity to change my life. I hope this helps you with your journey…stay strong,stay positive and keep the faith 
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Welcome back. This is a great place to start. You get better one day at a time. I know that sounds stupid but it’s truth. Don’t drink today and tomorrow you’ll be a little better… rinse and repeat. Find fellowship in sobriety. Best wishes, we’re here for you.
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Join a group. There’s groups online and in person. Show up. Go to more than one meeting a day if you have to. Go to a meeting at lunch, during your work day. Introduce yourself and get to know the people there.
You’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life. You can have it if you want it more than anything else.
You don’t have to run; you don’t need to run. You need to stand and learn to love your sober self in all his complex up and down incompleteness.
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I’m glad you’re back, Victor. Changing old habits is really hard, was for me, the end of work, etc.
You have it in you to change. 2021, gotta get better! 
For me alcohol was a safety blanket. I grew up with it. I was comfortable with the person I was with it. I knew and everyone knew exactly who I was with it and what to expect. I didn’t need anything to change. Until I realized all that was a f@@@@@@ lie. I could be that person I had airways thought about, the one enjoying life without that drink. Its so scary to think of never having another drink. So much pressure on ourselves. I just do it day by day. You can step out of that tornado too! Each morning is a new chance. Grab it! You deserve it
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Sorry you’re struggling. I find my biggest tool is gratitude. I would start my day off listing how grateful I am to have that child. How grateful I am to be with that child. How grateful I’m am when that child makes me smile. How grateful I am when I smell that child’s head. Do it for your child. I know in the long run we have to do it for ourselves. When you’re sober for a good time, then you can work on that later. Stop and write down how great that child is 3 times a day or more. Keep pics of that child to look at as a constant reminder.
For now do it for your child. One day or one hour at a time. And then maybe you can turn it over to God.
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