Just wanted to say congratulations for remaining strong. I do not know what I would have done in that situation. 
Definitely an inspiration to me. I avoid everything and everyone currently as much as I can 
1 Like
I know you are right, but I just can’t do it yet.
Feel incredibly ashamed of the fact that I developed an alcohol dependency. Still think that it was in a way self-inflicted.
I saw a post today here in the forum of someone celebrating 5 years of sobriety and helping other people seek help and overcome the stigma. That’s incredibly brave. I’m not sure I’m quite there. Not sure I’ll ever be 
1 Like
To be honest I’d say for sure it was selfinflicted. Speaking for myself, yes, some shitty things happened in my youth. So choosing drugs and alcohol was in a way logical for me. And even as I was still a kid it was still selfinflicted.
Good thing about that is that it’s up to me to get out of that mess too. I’m the only one who can do it. It’s clear. Nobody else to blame. This is on me and it’s on me to make it better too. And about the 5 year guy: Derek is 5 years clean. Of course you’re not there yet. Neither am I. We’ll see if we ever get there. it’s no use comparing. We’re on our own roads.
I know the shame is there. I don’t feel it about the addiction. I’m ashamed of other things that I shouldn’t be but still am. It’s no use and it’s counterproductive but it’s a hard one. Acceptance is key. It’s what it is. We don’t have to call ourselves addicts, or alcoholics.
I do have substance abuse disorder. I abuse substances. That’s how I call it. When I talk to people about it, I adjust my language to whom I’m speaking to. I don’t really care anymore but in the first couple of years of abstinence I did.
3 Likes
I absolutely believe that using alcohol for me started as a way to cope with difficult things through numbing. Until at some point it became a form of self harm. I truly think that the shame I was feeling led me to continue to damage and hurt myself by drinking to oblivion - I had so much negative self talk going on in my head! Even my husband used to ask me why I was doing this to myself.
3 Likes
Yep. I’m still working in my head what it is that I am. So far I’ve accepted that I developed a dependence on alcohol and that modified my brain forever. The fact that in the end I needed to drink simply to be normal was obviously not normal.
You’re right again that I still have a long way to go. I think before I can explain to someone what I’m going through I need to be able to find the words to explain it to myself. Does it make sense? And the fact of the matter is, I don’t know why this happened. I drank to relax, to be more extroverted, to belong. It shouldn’t have gone so wrong. I’m still trying to understand why it did.
2 Likes
Thank you for sharing this, Rosa…I heard those same words from my husband. I’m thankful for the soul-searching that sobriety forces me to do.
Please don’t judge me for what I’m about to say, I feel quite nervous about touching a sensitive point for someone.
I feel like the reasons why I drank were so banal comparing to real trauma and difficulties so many people face…that it’s not a justification at all. I should never have let things get out of control like they did. Alcohol itself created hell for me. There was nothing that severe that should have justified drinking more and more. Nothing beyond normal hardships of people’s lives. Sometimes worse, sometimes better. But nothing that should have driven me to this point.
Took me quite a bit of reading to understand how alcohol addiction settles into the body for me to extend myself any remote resemblance of forgiveness for what I did to my body and what I was doing to my life and my loved ones’ lives.
I’ll get there, though. 
3 Likes
Just had a cup of camomile tea and will get some zz’s as tomorrow I wake up super early. It’s actually a big day, and I hope it goes well.
2 Likes
This is why a person’s suffering cannot be compared to another’s. It simply doesn’t work that way. It also shows that substance use/dependence doesn’t have to have some deep dark rooted reason. It’s so prevalent and some of us just fall into that physiological or behavioral trap. I can see both sides of it for me, honestly.
Hope you get good rest.
EDIT to say my statements are my own opinion and not based on anything but my experience and perception.
3 Likes
Finished with work. Mission accomplished.
Heading to the airport, pumpkin spice latte in hand.
And I resigned from my job.
4 Likes
So glad you’re headed home safe and sound. And what a huge step in resigning!!! How do you feel about it?
1 Like
Mixed feelings.
Sad that I’m leaving a project and team I built from scratch, am proud of, and will achieve the recognition after I leave, and will be handed over to someone who doesn’t deserve it (the person above who was pressuring me to drink in a work trip before).
Relieved that I will be able to let go of this constant feeling of dread I have since she started 5 months ago.
Excited about what the future holds, even if I’m a bit aprehensive. Was over the fence for a while to take on this new opportunity.
Decided this morning that it was time.
4 Likes
I think you’re making a sound decision based on your description. I’ve been in that position before and it’s humbling to leave something you’ve created that then takes off and excels. In a good way. I’m glad you’re putting your well-being first and there will surely be new and great opportunities to come.
1 Like
New roads, new possibilities! Congrats Anna! Very glad for you. Have a safe trip home.
2 Likes
To me in my mind it does not matter what happened or why, yes it does to the extent that you need your “Why” of why you want to stay sober.
There is nothing wrong with trying to figure it all out though.
In your case, @desert_rose , alcohol created a hell for you.
Be proud of yourself that you decided to get sober and that you have stayed sober. Biggest congrats to you on that.
You are winning as a “non drinker”.
I just deleted a lot that I wrote about how I think most everyone who drinks has a “drinking problem”
I want the Non Drinkers in our world to realize the gift that they have given themselves. Nothing was taken away. They did not “fail” as drinkers. As you said up there, alcohol created the hell.
Writing this I think about the typical wedding and how everyone expects to get wasted on alcohol… WTH… why???
Why???
Why should happy, celebratory occasions have the blemish and possible disaster of a bunch of drinking/drunks?
It would be nice to see next to the RSVP
BTW this is a non alcohol event.
Our society has accepted drinking as normal and acceptable. To me it is not. Was that sweet girl really that cute slurring her words all night? Was that guy captivating as he sloshed his drink everywhere toasting the couple?
Value yourself as a non drinker. Appreciate what you have given up, what you now have and be proud of yourself. I know you are!
Happy Seven Months!
Do not feel like you are a anything but a winner.
As time goes on you will gain more and more confidence in yourself the non drinker.
I really admire how from the beginning you have been protective of your sobriety and careful to make different situations as safe as possible for you and your sobriety.
You can tell whoever, whenever, and whatever you want but always feel like it is to your benefit that you do not drink.
It is something to be proud of in your innermost recesses.
You escaped the clutches. Big congrats
I am adding a you tube here. I only listened to several of the 22 minutes. It is progressive muscle relaxation. This would be nice for you to learn to relax your body. You may be familiar with these practices. It is simply tightening each muscle one at a time, holding it tight, then releasing it, for instance start at your toes and go up to the top of your head. Once you are familiar you may or may not want the guided part.
The ‘meditation thread’ here at TS has lots of suggestions of what other members like. The latest posts are suggestions from Insight Timer and other apps.
I will always suggest Vipsanna Meditation, search on you tube or ask and I will post my favorite. It is White. Vipsanna is basically Quiet, no talking. It is good for getting your thoughts off of whatever you’re
thinking about (too much).
The deep breathing is always useful and can be used anywhere in any situation. In for 4-7 sec, hold for the same, let out for the same… there are countless right ways to do it.
Physiologically, deep breathing will make changes in your body and how you feel. You can do it standing in a grocery line or at that cocktail party with your own drink in your hand. Watching TV, driving, cooking. Falling asleep.
Wishing you happiness with your life and your sobriety. I am So proud of you!!
Congrats on quitting your job!
The You tube, I searched body relaxation on you tube. I have not done this one, just listened to a few minutes. There are lots of others if you like the idea but not this one in particular
2 Likes
Thank you so much for this.
I’m just off on a week holiday with my family and am trying to recuperate from almost half a year of a very toxic work environment caused exclusively by a new boss. I need to seriously let go of all that was and open my mind to what will be.
I’m committed in the next 7 days to meditate, breathe, and be disciplined about quieting my mind a bit.
This really helps Thank you for taking the time to share, you have no idea how timely this was.
1 Like
He says you need to do it for thirty days. Doing once works just fine and is useful and therapeutic. It’s about 15 min and after you hear the beginning you can skip that part.
Happy for you. Getting the toxic out of our lives when we can is always good.
To your growth… and healing. If you find a body relaxation one you like a lot, let me know. This one was random and sounded ok enough. I do it without s guide but guidance is always good.
Go forward my friend, in growth and healing. 
1 Like
Typical box breathing is breathe in for four seconds, hold for four, let out for four, hold for four and repeat. Hugs.
1 Like
Started today.
Will try to do at least 10 min of meditation each day this week and see how it goes from there.
In the past 3 days I did start a bit of mindfulness and I think I’m finally starting to process quite a bit of this change and letting go of a lot of anxiety, anger, frustration…like everything else, it’s one day at a time, one step at a time, one breatb at a time
2 Likes
I’m traveling again, but now it is a week long family holiday. For a few days, we’re on a cruise ship.
Here is the surprising fact: there are people drinking their wine and beer next to me all the time on my holiday and it doesn’t affect me. And I mean right next to me, on my shared table. This is astounding to me. I’m completely amazed that 7 months ago this would have been unthinkable. Now I look at it and don’t think anything of it at all…not “I wish I could have one” or “that seems like a refreshing option to me” or “maybe I could share a sip from my husband’s glass”…Nothing!
I’m so grateful I don’t drink anymore. It used to take up a lot of space in my life and that space is now filled with better things, meaningful things, calmer thoughts and truer feelings. Not always easy, but always better.
I brought an inordinate amount of tea to keep with me at all times. I have a few sparkling drinks for the poolside. I’m not feeling like I’m missing out on anything. This is so new!
I’ve now meditated 20 minutes for the past 4 days. I’ve spent some time processing in my mind the job change, trying to make sense of a lot of things. Trying to be ok with “quitting”.
Today I followed a guided meditation that touched on the fact that quitting sometimes is the right thing to do. When you’d be happier doing something else, somewhere else, with someone else, maybe it’s time to consider moving on.
I was so unhappy working under this boss for the past 5 months. I lost all motivation, joy, and it was affecting my mental health. I have a good opportunity somewhere else. It’s sad because I built something noteworthy and a great team. I loved the project and the company. But there was no way for me to make a meaningful contribution anymore. She was taking over everything I built and tearing apart all that had my name on it. It was the worst I’ve ever encountered in my entire career.
I’m venting. This is long.
I’m just happy I don’t drink anymore and can try to handle this in a healthy way.
Will the next step be the right one? Will the other job ne better? will I regret it all? I don’t know. But at least I made the decision after thinking for a few months with a clear mind. And I’m getting into the new job with a clear mind too.
5 Likes
This is tough.
I think I’m doing ok, even with all of the stress and bumpy roads of life. Did a yard sale, trying to get the house more organized in case we need to move. Or to simply have a less cluttered space.
Finished some work that is due tomorrow.
Anxiety is flaring though.
I stop, have a pause in a busy day, kids are out playing, hubby traveling.
My first thought? I could have a drink.
FFS!!!
3 Likes