Well, I’m back. Tried to convince myself that I could control myself when I’m drinking. Haha what a joke. But last night, I went to far. Again. I’m going to end up losing my family over this addiction. I just want to stop. I want to be the mom and wife my family deserves. My depression is at an all time high now. I feel like a failure. They deserve to have me at my best but all I’ve been giving them is my worst.
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Instead of “failing” you’re “learning”, I’ve had to learn plenty of lessons. Try not to beat yourself down because that’s where the addiction wants to keep you. One day at a time you’ll get stronger, happier, healthier.
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So you have learnt that you can’t drink like a normal person.
You say you want to be the best mom and wife you can be.
So do it!
It’s in your hands, but you have to dig deeper than you think. If you can think it you can do it!
Which is why there are programs out there to help you.
Only you can do it.
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Here’s something to read. See if you can relate
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Samantha, I’m really glad you’re back. I truly hope you can make it work this time.
You and your family deserve a better life! Stick around…
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Depression will ease when clean.
Good luck, and plan your sobriety!
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Maybe add on some extra help like online meetings? And what I do when my inner voice tells me I can have just one? I come here to read and write. When I read the stories of others it reminds me of my own drinking days and then I know again why I shouldn’t pick up that first drink (of many).
I’m on TS much, that helps me to keep focus on my sober days.
Hang in there!!
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Decide to be better, and then be better. Sober is better. Say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink. When you do, you win. Win you don’t you lose, which may include losing your family.
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Sam first of all your not alone. Second of all your not at fault. This is a disease. There is a solution and it’s not your fault that you haven’t found it. The solution for me was in the Big Book of AA and the 12 steps. I posted a thread " what makes me an alcoholic" check it out. In the big book you’ll find that from " the doctor’s opinion " to page 23 it talks about the allergy ( phenomenon of craving ) then from page 23 to 43 it talks about the obsession. Then it presents a solution. There are many people here available to help. The obsession can be removed. It has been for me through the 12 steps. Knowledge alone can not fix this. Self will can not fix this. Once I understood the disease I had to accept 3 pertinent ideas:
A.) I was alcoholic and could not manage my own life.
B.) That probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism.
And C.) That God could and would if He were sought.
Once I was convinced of these 3 ideas. I got into action. My life is amazing today! The thought of a drink rarely crosses my mind. When it does it’s repulsive at best.
That’s my experience.
I would like to add that you’ll see chapter 2 is " there is a solution " that chapter is presenting the solution and proclaiming it’s legitimacy. Showing its tangible and people who have used it recovered. Chapter 5" How it works "will begin to present the solution to you…
Hope this helps
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Your reaching out for a reason ,you know what you want and need for your well-being and happiness and inturn your families,put it all into practice and fight with every part of yourself to get to bed clean and sober each day gives life new meaning and inturn gives way for hope HAVE FAITH HE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.XX:pray:
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Failure is when you stop standing back up after you fall. As long as you continue to put forth effort into getting being and staying sober your NOT failing. 
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Girl, I feel your pain and can totally empathize with you. I always think “this time will be different” but always end up regretting it. It never fails. I am new to this app, but I have already found such a supportive community of others who are experiencing similar battles. Welcome back! Every new beginning is better than no beginning at all! 
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How are you doing today Samantha?
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Well I once again had fooled myself. Been drinking a lot. But now I can feel my body shutting down. Constant pain in my stomach, no appetite really and I cant sleep. This time has to be different. I have to quit. I’m so scared of dying because of this.
You are not a failure. Everything will be okay. Try again today. 
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Do you have a program you can work? I don’t just mean a meeting to attend, but a program with people who have been through recovery who can talk you through the process. It’s like free therapy to help you work through your challenges. There are many different programs to choose from - most of them are offering online options at this time:
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Lots of support here.
Freaking USE it. Use us all up. Milk the udder until it’s dry.
Half hearted attempts get you half hearted sobriety, which as you know suuuuuucks.
Keep trudging, forever forward to that road to happy destiny
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This place is awesome. I wish like hell I had known about this app back in 16’ when I finally stopped and got on the wagon. It would have been a hell of a lot easier for me. There were times I’ve been on the edge of the wagon about to tuck and roll but still managed to hang on. Everyone here has experienced things. This community is here to help. I pretty much made a LOT of little goals and kept adding to them. I have a chip case on my wall that will hold 30 chips. Its got 4 in it now but I’m going to make it to 30.
Believe in yourself, one day at a time. There’s not a damn thing that can stop you. You got this. Its not impossible! 
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I dont have a program currently but I do know many people who have gotten sober that can help me
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That’s a good place to start. All of us addicts were running from something. We’ve spent months or years - or even decades - escaping and avoiding life. When we decide to become sober we choose to face our pain, memories, angers, fears - and we learn to face them as responsible people. We can do it. We haven’t done it before, but we can learn. And a program helps us to do that.
Your first bit will be all about you. Don’t do this to be the wife or mother someone else needs. You can’t do that right now. Even if you say that’s what you want, you can’t do it for now. You just can’t, you’re not capable right now. You need to do this for you first, learn how to be you, sober you, first. It’s not selfish - it’s just a fact. You can’t support others until you learn to walk yourself.
Rehab helps, counselling helps, programs help; anything that is about meaningful growth helps. Medical or psychological programs that have fees often have zero interest financing (at least in Minnesota many do) and the money you’re saving on booze will cover it when you need to make your payments.
Sobriety is yours if you want it. We’re here & we’re all rooting for you 100%. Check out some of the supports here (many have online options) & find some that speak to you:
Resources for our recovery
Keep checking in Sam. We’re here with you 
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