new here- just got married to love of my life- she is great but likes to drink on occasion. i would say a binge drinker (I am still getting used to terms)- not excessive -but enough to bother me- I don’t like that it bothers me- I have told her it bothers me but it seems to cause a rift. Am I wrong to tell my partner this? I don’t want to take away something that she says relieves stress- but she gets very defensive about it- am i doing something wrong?
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It’s good to be honest and express your feelings, and how you feel. You aren’t saying whether you drink at all …
welcome to the community, there is a thread here called “are you affected by a loved ones drinking” I will get the link over here
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thank you- we are both 55 and on our second marriages- I do not drink any longer. I don’t get much out of it anymore and i tend to dislike how people act when drinking.
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Hello and welcome to the community 
Congratulations on getting married 
I’m sorry, I can’t give you an answer really. I can only tell you that when I was drinking and my partner tried to challenge me on my drinking, I got really defensive, too. I didn’t (want to) see, what he saw. I wanted to drink and because I was in active addiction everything and everyone who tried to come between me and the drink was an enemy. The desire to change my behaviour had to come from myself. Luckily one day it did.
Good luck
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You’re not doing anything wrong you’re just being honest about how you feel. Hopefully y’all will have another 30 to 40 years together or 50 who knows.
There might be something in that thread helpful to you, and there may not. Again welcome to the community and I’m grateful that you’re talking about what’s bothering you. I hope that you will find support and resources here.
PS Go Huskies! Have a friend who rowed there who will be in 2024 Olympics rowing for the Dutch. If we are talking same Huskies.
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thank you- and i am learning- is the fact that she is defensive (vs. more accommodating) a bad sign? I don’t believe she is an alcoholic- but when i see someone get defensive like that- i have cause for concern. i don’t want to be the enemy…
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I didn’t think I was an alcoholic, until I admitted it to myself.
I think it’s great you seek an open conversation. There are support groups out there for friends and family of alcoholics. I guess they are your best bet for help and answers.
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thank you all - i guess what i am trying to find out is what are red flags? to me if someone gets that defensive is it because they are just sensitive to me speaking up- or is it that i cannot call them out on what they are doing?
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I’m trying to understand why her occasional drinking is bothering you? Are you worried about her drinking being problematic or do you just not like it that she choses to drink?
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Hi (go easy on me)- 55 - married second time to love of my life- Wife “binge” drinks on occasion. Yes it bothers me- I try and be patient- i don’t really drink- just doesn’t do anything for me- I guess i can live with “radical acceptance”- I just need help with this one thought. When i tell her it bothers me- i am met with anger an resistance. I tell her- I am not trying to control her- just my feelings. Is this a potential bad sign- or am i being unreasonable?
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Hey HuskyF
Of course her binge drinking bothers you.
My wife still drinks. I been dealing with it for years. It’s a difficult situation. But I got to Al-Anon to hear people share of their experience strength and hope. You are not alone.
We got a thread if you’re interested.
Maybe you’ll find some helpful info here.
One thing is for sure.
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.
You didn’t cause it.
That’s the 3 C’s of Al-Anon.
But you can contribute to it.
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Little tip.
If you are talking about it try to keep your part in the “I feel……” I don’t know……very sad when I see …… or I feel very lonely at night when……
Stick to how you feel. Not “when you do this it bothers me etc.” as soon as you say “when you do this….” It’s an accusation. And that never work we me and my wife.
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I was a binge drinker and no longer drink, my husband still drinks, he is not a binge drinker and doesn’t have the same issues around drinking that I did (being sloppy, mean, an idiot, bad decisions, angry, smashing up cars, verbally abusive, etc). Anyway…if your discussions are met with anger or resistance, perhaps a neutral third party would be helpful. My husband and I have found a lot of help over the years meeting with a couples therapist. Maybe see if your wife is open to that and then look for one who you both like. Sometimes it can take a bit to find someone who is a good fit. In my experience, it is worth it.
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good advice- stating how i “feel” since that is what it is- i am not trying to control. That being said when i tell her it bothers me (and there is anger)- my brain tells me one of three things is going on: (and none are positive):
- She doesn’t care about my feelings
- She cannot control it (the drinking)
- the urge to overdo it surpasses how i am feeling.
Am i wrong in this assessment?
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@huskyfan68, I merged your two threads together.
If you haven’t checked out Al Anon yet as @Dazercat mentioned, you might find some helpful info and support there as well.
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yes Amy- i guess that is one aspect- She “has” to in certain situations. even when just us- she has to. I also don’t like the way she acts when she has too much- she doesn’t seem to be able to monitor herself- and i don’t want to monitor her…
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thank you- sorry don’t know all the rules…
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No worries!! Just didn’t want folks to be answering questions on 2 different threads.
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Hey there!
I didn’t think I was an alcoholic because I didn’t realise what an alcoholic was.
Binge drinking is, to my mind, problematic drinking.
It is also not surprising. Alcohol is addictive and every alcoholic drink is marketed in a way to enhance that addictive nature for the purpose of profit.
Whenever my wife tried to control my drinking it led to arguments and sadness. It wasn’t personal, it wasn’t a choice I was fully able to make as alcohol is a drug. I didn’t choose to fight hard enough to change so I couldn’t help it and nor can she.
Where I would be concerned is that alcoholism is progressive. A binge might soon be followed by a glass of wine over lunch the next day to shake the hangover. It doesn’t get better from there.
I think the advice about not being confrontational is good. “I’m really worried about your health” might be a good place to start.
Good luck and do come here for support if you need it.
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