Posted a few times before, but to formally introduce myself…
My name is Cameron and I’m an addict. My DOC are alcohol and prescription pills. I’ve used marijuana here and there but never kept it around.
I started problem drinking in 2010 when I moved back home from my college town. Being around old friends who had made new friends and drank much more than I did, I joined the pack. Casual 2-3 beers turned into binging 12-18 beers with shots. At my height I would kill a case of beer by myself, at home. I created chaos wherever I went and put myself in some dangerous situations. One DUI. Multiple blackouts and loss of memory.
On top of that, I started taking narcotics and benzos while drinking. Luckily, I never took enough to kill myself because I know that was coming if I hadn’t stopped. I was able to quit the benzos and lost access to the narcotics a fair bit ago but the drinking remained an issue.
Finally, I decided I didn’t want this life anymore. I was starting to worry about the damage I had done to my body and mental state and things were going downhill. So 4 days ago, I finally stopped the alcohol and cigarettes.
Want to attend NA, and am reading the Basic Text, but as I’ve stated elsewhere, Covid has prevented me from attending a meeting yet. I’ve lurked here the last few days and decided to finally log in and take advantage of the social support. I’ve already picked up some good stuff in that time and look forward to being apart of it.
I completely understand the alcohol/ benzo thing! I noticed you prefer to identify as an addict? I would ask why if your so inclined to answer?
Additionally do you drink and then drug? or drug and then drink? I don’t want to make that assumption based on your story you’ve posted here. I did draw what I believe is your answer. Just curious what your answer is.
So, I identify as an addict because even though I used alcohol the most, I used marijuana and pills in a large amount as well, so addict makes more sense to me than alcoholic. Essentially, I can’t responsibly use anything that causes any type of feeling that is beyond baseline.
As to drinking and then drugging or vice versa, it really depended on what I was doing. Usually, if I was drinking, I’d drink then use narcotics or marijuana to help me sleep/catch a larger buzz. I’d use benzos/narcotics/weed to help my hangover the day after. Additionally, I’d use benzos and narcotics alone quite frequently.
Yes that paints a better picture.
Next question where does the vast majority of your pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization stem from? Alcohol or drugs? Your resentments: are they more alcohol related or drug related? In 2 respects:
A.) The people, institutions, ideas you’ve been pissed of at since before you started using;
Did you drink them away or drug them away?
B.) The same question except that your pissed off at now ( from during your use ) were you drinking or drugging when you developed these resentments?
IDK about “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”. I’d say it more simply, as in, I grew to hate the person and the road I was and knew that my road didn’t end anywhere but alone or dead.
I’m not sure I resent anything drinking or drug related other than my inability to control myself. I wish I was normal but have grown to respect and acknowledge that I’m not. Its a process. I have resentments and things I’m pissed off about or hate but I can only offer one concrete example of using to numb my feelings in a public forum:
When my grandmother died in 2009, unexpectedly, I took it particularly hard. I was the closest to her and at the time, lived across the street from her. One week she was fine, next week gone. I maintained throughout all the process but once it ended, the bottle became my grief counselor. I’d drink to feel better or just to feel nothing.
I think I’ve gotten to your points but let me know if I missed something
No I think that’ll do. Infact I wasn’t really looking for anything specific, or detailed. Just a generalization. I can’t tell you how to identify. That is entirely up to you. What I can tell you is the 12 steps will help you work through your disease and in my opinion there’s no reason AA wouldn’t work for you. No reason NA wouldn’t work either I suppose. I do have one more question and my book tells me to ask you this. Do you want to stop forever? Are you done?
Read the doctor’s opinion from the big book of AA. Then dm me after you’ve read it.
If you don’t have a big book. Just Google: doctors opinion AA. You should be able to pull it up.
Welcome Cameron and congrats on your sobriety. This forum is amazing. You’ll find tons of great information and awesome people to help you along in this journey. I look forward to seeing you around.
I feel like I’m replying on a sponsor/sponsee thread so my apologies for interrupting. I just wanted to say hi and welcome you.
I put together this collection of threads in January which may be helpful to you.
While we all have different stories we have one thing in common and that is a desire to do things differently. Hope you find the forum as helpful as I have
@Meggers is my go to girl for benzos but she is not the only one (edit, go to for support with benzo addiction, just to be clear!).
Thanks @siand. I’m probably the most outspoken about my addiction to benzos, although alcohol was my most evident issue to most people. That’s why I’m so outspoken about it. I didn’t even realize the depths of what was going on with the benzos.
Anyway, @Cameron62, I know you’ve given up the benzos before stopping drinking. That’s a huge advantage. The biggest issue you will run into going forward in regards to the benzos is the way they live forever in your emotions. They are very powerful when it comes to treating anxiety and sleeping problems. That is their biggest danger and is extremely deceptive. I drank far more than I popped benzos, and I drank like you did. I ended up between 7 and 10 mgs of a mix of Xanax and klonopin in the end to help deal with the everyday severe detox from alcohol in the morning. I had to detox and enter recovery from both at the same time. FUCK! THAT! It was horrible!
In the following days, weeks, months and years you will probably find your cravings for benzos sneak up all the time. I’m over 2 years and 9 months clean and the biggest thing I struggle with is the benzos at this point. I very rarely have any cravings for anything, but when I do it’s for xanax. It was the prescribed answer to all of my problems for a long time. Sleep. Anxiety. And everything that came with those two things. The shit is a struggle, and always will be.
Reach out if you have any questions. Our stories are very similar. I used to love me some percs and am fortunate that I never really had to detox off them or go through recovery for them. I am completely sober, have given up everything. I even changed my psych meds so that I’m not taking anything that would get me fucked up in any way. I’ve learned a lot about addiction, especially benzos, in the past 2 years 9 months +. My Dm box is always open.
