I have been sober for 333 days. Yay! Go me right? Every night around 3 -6 am I have the hugest urge to drink and it’s all related to one tiny screaming human… For the past 11 weeks the little one has been up basically every night all night on and off crying. I understand she is a baby, this is what babies do, she is communicating bc she needs something… what that something is anyone’s guess. So I get frustrated and I just want a drink, then I feel guilty for getting frustrated, and it makes me want to drink more… And venting about this makes me feel like an ungrateful, horrible parent and that also makes me want to drink. I’m loosing my mind I don’t know how many more nights I can take of this before I crack open the liquor cabinet 
and I really don’t want to loose my days sober over this bc I know I will regret it the next day. But the lack of help, the lack of sleep, the lack of energy…the ear piercing screams, it’s all creating a welcoming environment for an easy temporary calming fix… I don’t even know why I’m venting about this… it sounds horrible…like I’m a shitty parent… I love my little girl but she is definitely trying my sobriety right now… 
You don’t sound like a shitty parent AT ALL. You sound like an overworked, stressed out new mom. Do you have a partner to help with your daughter? Sounds like everything you’re feeling is normal. Not ungrateful. Not horrible. Just human. And exhausted. At 300+ days you don’t need me to tell you that picking up a drink would make life a hell of a lot worse. You know that. So vent away and don’t drink! We’re here to listen and commiserate. Stay strong! Hugs!!
Thank you soo much for reassuring comment… knowing that it sounds normal makes me feel better. The babies father isn’t much help, anytime she gets fussy during the day he hands her right back to me and at night he sleeps right through her screams… it’s frustrating to hear his snores from upstairs while I’m ready to burst out in tears. And your right drinking will make things much worse bc once I allow myself to have a drink when I’m frustrated I will continue to do it every time… and it will go from one to two to three and next thing you know I’ll be drunk trying to take care of my baby and that something I don’t ever want to do!!!
This is all so understandable given the pressures of being a parent. I cannot offer any first hand advice but there are several threads in here that will help you see that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. If you are into books, ‘drunk mom’ is describing similar struggles very powerfully (also on kindle).
Wish you all the best.
I agree!! You’re normal love. But like @MoCatt says, if you play your cards right your kids won’t see you drunk. This too will pass! My boy is 16 now & hardly ever home between shared custody and him working every day. I remember how exhausted and frustrating he was as baby, believe it or not, someday you’ll miss this. 
Our very own @MoCatt has a saying about “if you play your cards right, your kids will never remember you as a drunk.” Am I close @MoCatt? Anyway, sounds like you are doing the lion’s share of parenting which sadly, isn’t surprising. I would want to smack my husband upside the head! As the mother, you’re more in tune with your baby’s physical and emotional behaviors. Gotta say, even though you want to drink, you haven’t. And that’s fucking amazing. Give yourself a HUGE amount of credit! You’re going on no sleep, physical, emotional, and hormonal roulette and maintaining your sobriety. That is no small feat! As best you can try to be gentle with yourself. I don’t know one parent who hasn’t felt completely overwhelmed and wanted to run away at some point. 
I think it’s in the fine print in the job description.
You could possibly swap for powdered formula to give yourself a break at night. It can get overwhelming after the 18hr sleep n eat craz is over and they get to be more active. Just hang in there it does get easier in time
Oh my goodness - you are not a horrible parent! You are an amazing rockstar of a mama who is an alcoholic - but who has not picked up a drink during one of the most stressful, difficult times in anyone’s life! There is nothing like sleep deprivation, feeling helpless, mourning your old life, being afraid that life will always be this hard…all those feelings that parents of young ones have…to make one want a drink.
@MandiH and @Hope0110 already told you my mantra. I have little two and four year old boys. They are the absolute loves of my life - and they make me absolutely insane. After my first was born I took a break from my career to be a stay at home mom. The isolation, bone weary tiredness, stress, loneliness, and helplessness was a perfect storm catalyst for me to “reward” myself with alcohol once they were finally asleep. You already know this, but I"ll say it anyway. The only thing harder than dealing with all of the above? Dealing with all of the above hungover as hell and hateing yourself.
I could say so much more, but just know that you are absolutely normal in everything you are feeling. You are showing such strength by reaching out rather than picking up. Please feel free to PM me any time if you need to vent. Lord knows I understand.
And I’ll just say, once again, what my sponsor said to me when I got sober. This gets me through the roughest moments.
“If you play your cards right, your kids will never remember you as a drunk.”
Sending so much love and strength your way…
I just had my 5th boy a little over a week ago. We are seasoned veterans in the baby department. If your baby is crying uncontrollably, it could just be gas. Provided you’re certain she’s getting enough to eat. Colicky babies are difficult. You might try taking her to a chiropractor to help with her sleep.
We also have a routine at night. Keep the baby active for a time (changing diapers and stuff), feed, sleep, and then you. It’s a variation of the EASY routine during the day, Eat, Active, Sleep, You.
Feel free to pick my brain anytime. You’re a great Mom, this sounds exactly like our first.
I so feel your pain. My husband was clueless when it came to newborns. I remember bringing her home from the hospital and feeling helpless as he would pass out on the couch and get a full night of sleep (not from drinking). She wanted to nurse every hour during the day and every 2 to 3 hours at night. I wanted to crack open a bottle of wine so bad at dinner time but refrained from doing so until she was two months old. Turns out she had a severe lip and tongue tie that was preventing her from getting enough breastmilk. I didnt pick up on it at first and by the time I knew something was wrong, my nipples were open, blistered and bleeding. The ties caused her to gulp milk, swallow air, and get severe gas. She would scream all evening till bed time. I ended up giving up feeding from the breast and pumped for 8 months for her. Oh boy did it test my patience but the screaming and gas went away with a particular bottle we used. It was during this time that my love of wine started to take control of my life. I would wait until after I pumped to drink and then would dump milk for the rest of the night so that it would not be tainted. I was an overproducer and made enough for twins plus some. As long as I pumped all day, I had plenty for her. I felt the new mother’s guilt to breastfed, not formula fed. It seriously messed me up but that is a different story for another time. Anyway, do not drink. It is not worth it. This hard time will pass and you will look back on it thinking positively about the situation. Look up “the witching hour”. There are a lot of cradling holds and different techniques you can use. We loved our simple bouncer. Feel free to message me.
I was very cautious while breastfeeding not to drink too much but as soon as I stopped, I started drinking 1 to 2 bottles of wine per day. Looking back I think the reason I stopped pumping (other than the fact that is had taken over my life) was for alcohol. It a sad reality that I look back on frequently. Try not to beat yourself up for craving alcohol. Remember if you dont take care of yourself, you won’t be able to care of baby. Ask for help if you can from a family member or friend. Even a simple shower can make all the difference.
Wow. You and I lived parallel lives. I had a tongue tie with my first, horrible breast feeding problems, pumping hell, and shameful consumption of wine. I am so the thrilled to be done with all of the above.
It was hell. I am glad to be done but the shame still remains. We have so much in common it seems! I need to try to forgive myself-it will take time I suppose.
Reading this makes me sad. He doesn’t know what he is missing. The bonding. The feeling of contributing, helping your mate. The idea that you want to be the man by which every other man is measured in your daughter’s eyes, and you want the bar to be so high, that only the best could every hope to get over it.
For me, taking care of my daughter is a legacy virtue.
My wife and I co-sleep with our baby about half the night. He sleeps in his crib until about 4 and then sleeps with us the rest of the night.
I’ve never understood the whole bed is for sex thing. I can have sex anywhere. We usually do it in our bed, but we dont think of our bed as being the place we sleep or a place our kids jump around, it just happens to be where we are doing it at the time. The shower should be for getting clean, still have sex in it, even if its rarely, since it’s not very comfortable…
Good job venting here instead!
We have a lock on our door and are good at planning ahead.
I know I try not to be too hard on myself bc I know someday I will miss it 
and I should feel grateful for my baby even a fussy baby bc there are soo many people out there who would love to have the opportunity to have a child. I need to embrace every aspect of it, even the not so pleasant ones…
I try the routine at nighttime, and the waking her up every two to three hours during the day to eat, gas drops, burping, bicycling her legs, I have tried gripe water but it makes her spit up, I tried the old wives tale of flipping the baby to reset their internal clock… all the crap you read online and whatever my pediatrician told me… she is just super fussy and now it starting to roll over into the days, I think that’s bc the dr told me to keep her awake during the day… I honestly didn’t expect it to be this hard lol
and store up the trying times to lay down a barrage of “mom guilt” when your child is a teen. I’ve watched my wife do it. Quite effective.