I’m just going to continue posting on my own thread to vent and try to focus… As I sit here at 2:19 am after my daughter kept falling asleep and then waking up crying over and over someone suggest I give her Tylenol so I try it and she spits up all over… 
so now I have that huge mess to clean up after she already had a poopsplosion diaper… she sits in her crib rolling around watching her friends (mobile animals) spin above her head. I sit on the couch and a huge wave of sadness comes over me. Like a wall or depression. I think about how the only person I have in my life who needs me in theirs in my daughters. If I were to disappear it wouldn’t really affect a single person. No one makes an effort have me in their life, it’s always me reaching out to family and friends to spend time together. It’s became pretty clear that there is nothing of value that I bring to the table for others. Nothing special about me that people want to be around me. My own bf doesn’t even want to spend time with me and I’m pretty sure is cheating again. It all makes me think back to last year at this time when I was drinking very heavily and almost tried to commit suicide. It was probably almost exactly a year ago. It’s like nothing has change since then except the birth of my daughter and not drinking or doing drugs or taking pills. I thought stopping all those things would help with the depression, even going to counseling for the past year. I felt better or so I thought… and now tonight it all just kind of hit me. The urge to drink has been so strong, I have been so sad and so frustrated and tired it’s like I want it for a break… a moment to not think or feel to just not be here for a little while. But I know I can’t for the sake of my daughter. If I drank there would be no one to take care of her and that can’t happen. But I also feel the weight of depression bearing down on my shoulders again and that doesn’t lead to a good place either. I feel alone, I feel helpless, and I feel like I’m in this parenting thing all by myself. No help from family, friends, and very little from the babies father. I just have so much going on inside my head and I just want to be able to shut it out like I use to… but I can’t, so I just vent out what I’m thinking here and hopefully that helps clear it out… 
Oh my goodness. You need to be reaching out to us. Thank you for posting. You as re absolutely important. Dont ever think you are less than vital in other people’s lives. The influence you play in day to day interactions with others cannot be measured. Especially your daughter. Let me be the first to say that I appreciate you for who you are, and I’m glad you’re here and sober.
I admire your willingness to open up about these true and raw feelings, I can understand and relate in many ways…
I know sometimes it’s really hard to see through the fog to see where you are going, but take that moment to notice who you have with you- that precious little girl. You are the most perfect person on the planet to her and she knows nothing else but love for you. You are doing so well for yourself and for her. Try your best just to be in the present moment with her… notice every eyelash, every finger, every spot of slobber dropping from her mouth when she cries. Take it all in from a neutral and calm point of view. Admire all that beauty and wonder that’s wrapped up in a cute little package that you are blessed to call your own 
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Sorry to hear your struggles. There is a reason they say its that hardest job in the world. Personally I had a playpen that you could adjust the hight and I just pulled it right up to my side of the bed.
My first would only sleep in his rocker… it will get easier with time.
Thank you for your kind words, it seems lack of sleep and late nights will stir up all sorts of toughts and emotions.
Thank you, I do try so hard to absorb everything thought at times I feel so disconnected I’m afraid I’m going to forget everything! She is such a blessing and I’m very fortunate to have her, she is my little miracle 
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Thank you, she sleeps in her rocker in the living room with me and naps in her crib during the day. I tried her in the bedroom but since she doesn’t fall asleep until after 3 am it was too much of a disturbance for her father. So after she outgrows her rocker it might be me and her and the play pen in the living room. Hopefully things get easier, I have been mostly adjusting to her crying and not sleeping at night but man I didn’t think babies cried so much!
I remember feeling so much like you are now. Being a new mother can feel so isolating. I went from working in a large high school and being surrounded by 1,400+ people to being a stay at home mom with an infant…and I found myself feeling depressed, lonely, without a purpose…I didn’t feel like anyone cared about me - just the fact that I had managed to bring a baby into the world. My friends didn’t call after the obligatory first visit to coo over the baby. My in-laws almost ran past me just to see the baby. After a while I didn’t even even know who I was, other than an exhausted, sobbing mess. I promise you - it does get better. I won’t say it’s easy now that my little ones are two and four, but it’s a sight better than that first year was.
I’m so sorry that your partner is not being as supportive as you need him to be. He is missing so much by not seeing the beautiful family sitting right in front of him.
So - I know these two things for sure. First - it will get better. It will. Second - a drink will not make anything better. Imagine all of the above but with a hangover. It’s unbearable.
Please keep venting and reaching out here. DM me at any time if you want to chat a bit. In the meantime, I’m sending love and strength your way.️
365 days without a drink, 1 whole year! Go me! 
It definitely gets easier, but the temptation is always there that’s for sure. I always have to remind myself why I stopped, remind myself that I never really enjoyed the taste much just the effect, remind myself of the hangovers, remind myself how stupid people act when drunk. I can’t say I don’t miss how it takes the edge off, how it makes me more social but it’s not worth it and I have to keep reminding myself of all that has gone wrong and all that could if I started again.
Sweet momma, you are in what I called the “baby bootcamp” phase. With both of my boys, I also had severe postpartum depression/anxiety during “bootcamp”. It was horrible…horrible!!! My body was destroyed too from delivery injuries. I wanted to runaway. No joke…I wanted to get in the car and head out. I basically thought nothing would change, and I was going 2b forever trapped and miserable. I thought my life was over. Sucked sooo bad, cuz I wanted to be the perfect mom. Someone told me it’s ok to be a “good enough” mom tho. Everything didn’t have to go by the book or fit my expectations. I felt like a load was lifted off my shoulders. You’ve got what it takes to make it thru bootcamp. I’ll put it out there tho, if you have a history of depression, etc…you’re more prone to postpartum depression and anxiety…might want to explore possibility that stuff like that might be at play too, temporarily. It was definitely like that for me. Sending big hugs from Alabama. Feel free to message me!
You are incredible! You made it to a year during one of the hardest periods in anyone’s life. Congratulations, beautiful Dee.️
Hey! Things with the baby are okay… she’s not up all night crying anymore, though she thinks bedtime is 1am and is fussy mostly all day 
I was hoping after she turned 3 months things would be a lot easy instead they are just a bit easier lol It was actually nice before bc when she finally did fall asleep she would sleep 6+ hours. Now she is only sleeping 2-3hrs in a row at night fussing in her sleep. So I feed her and she goes back to sleep. It’s one thing or another. Thank you for asking 
Thank you!!
Good to know! I was wondering how she was doing recently.
yeah she is my little fussy butt lol
How are things?? How old is your little one? We sleep trained all 3 of ours, but not until 6/7 months. We got lucky with the third and he’s slept through the night since 4 months. Ugghhhh nothing worse than hungover parenting… I have come to that conclusion now haha after too many hungover days snapping at toddlers and having zero energy!
Hey! Things are pretty much the same. She is 4 months now so no sleep training. She sleeps from 1am till about noon fussing a few times to be fed to bc of gas. She can be quite fussy during the day especially if she doesn’t get good naps in. She is quite animated always talking and making noises and doesn’t like to be left alone to play. I do love her happy moments soo much but her mood swings are out of control lol someone told me all babies are like that but I dunno lol Sometimes the temptation to drink is so strong, just to take the edge off but I can definitely see how drinking and having a hang over will be no good and I will not be able to be my best self for her. And that’s all I really want.
You’re not ungrateful in my eyes. Women go through a lot of changes after pregnancy. I never realized how hard it was until I educated myself and reflected back. Just going through pictures I could see the different stages that both man and woman go thru. You got this 