Hi friends,
I’m fairly new to AA, although I went to a few meetings in NYC before falling off of the wagon… here I am, 10 years later. Still repeating the same old patterns to the point of finally having a relapse so bad, I probably shouldn’t be alive. I’ve honestly had a few of those… it’s one of the reasons I wanted to get out of the city and start fresh. Problem is, alcohol is available outside of major cities. Who would have thought? (Insert sarcasm here).
I tried going to a meeting today but whatever website I went to was incorrect - or things aren’t up to date due to the pandemic. I circled the parking lot for about 25 mins, then went in. I was terrified… more so because there was a giant group of jazz musicians meeting and they were very confused when I asked if they were there for “the meeting” wink, wink, awkward laugh… Then I found myself somewhere in the children’s wing of the church - most of the lights out. Construction paper art projects hung everywhere… I definitely wasn’t in the right place, so scurried back to my car, clutching my starbucks for dear life… sans cigarettes. That’s the stereotype of AA right? At least how they make it look in the movies. Just crappier lighting and way more awkward.
Been driving around - thinking… I contacted my therapist to set up a meeting after several weeks off. They don’t know about my binge drinking problem… mostly because I was afraid he would tell my psychiatrist and my anxiety/sleep meds may be withdrawn. I may have abused those a few times… but usually because alcohol was involved… which is my main issue. Which brought me here…
So, hi. I really want to quit drinking. I’m scared. I’m already envisioning nights without a delicious wine while I cook… the smell - the taste. A refreshing beer on a summer’s day. A freshly made margarita… with salt - rocks. Group outings and me having to be completely sober - standing there with a Coke, feeling awkward as hell. I love to drink. Until I don’t. But those first few drinks make me feel like I’m invincible. Words come more easily to me. I feel funnier… smoother. Straight up liquid courage. Until I’m not. Until I consume that fourth drink… then fifth… then on an on. Wanting to get higher and higher. Then I get sloppy. I’m an angry drunk. The tears flow… the rage sets in. I want to fight everyone… the world feels like it’s on my shoulders.
The next day hangovers are crippling. I spend day and night in bed, recovering. Chugging pedialyte, possibly vomiting. Anxious. Embarrassed. Numb. Paralyzed. Head pounding. As I’ve aged, the hangovers have only gotten worse… Sometimes they last two days.
Then I switch into “healthy mode”. I want to detox… I workout, I sweat to makeup for it. I do ok… then, the cravings happen. Around day 3/4… and I work on the weekends… which is when I binge drink because I have to be in front of a large group of people - and my stage fright is crippling. So I drink again. And this the cycle repeats. On and on…
I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to take control of my life. I want to learn to have fun without alcohol. I want to be OK just being myself. I want the cravings to stop… I just want my life back.
I’m open to advice… I really need to focus on self care… doing things that I enjoy - which I’m not really sure what that is now a days as I’ve been seriously depressed for a long time now. And the alcohol voids my meds… so yeah. I hope I stick around and I appreciate you reading this if you made it this far.
as you begin your journey.
, the “reason” you didn’t tell your therapist. Isn’t there patient therapist confidentiality where you are? I’m sure he couldn’t have told anyone. 🤷 Our addiction is well protected by all the bs we tell ourselves. We protect it, by our false believes. A couple of others we share, I’m funnier drunk, I’m more sociable, I’m more liked. I don’t know if you have sexier and more frisky too, to name some of mine. I need it to even have a chance, I’m just too broken otherwise. All bs. All believed by me in the past.
), work out, gardening, studying something new, etc.
