Well we all die alone… no way around that. I guess there is the tragic stories of families dying together, but you still die alone.
In many older societies, children do eventually take care of the elderly expenses of family members. Seeing how most of us live in societies that tax the living crap out of everybody, hopefully non-children people have the economic means to care for themselves when there older.
Any American realizes that the prospect of Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security may not be there in their old age. ~50% of all current American citizen taxes go towards these three social programs, and that’s outside the heated debate of Affordable Healthcare Act.
Obviously, having children doesn’t eliminate the economical fear in to old age, but does make the possibility exist of somewhere to go other than a Elderly Care Center assuming you can even afford it.
I have derived great pleasure from my 2 children, in fact more than I have got from my wife. Okay they do cost you financially and can cause great worry but I would not swop the experience for anything. I dont expect them to look after me and have planned as such, but in saying so I had a good relationship with my parents till the end no financial support just a caring kind between us. If handled correctly parenthood can be very fulfilling, more so that cuddling your partner
I didn’t want kids, until I did. I was almost 30 when I started to feel like something was missing in my life. My husband and I always joke about all of the “what could have beens” of never having them in the first place, but then we laugh because after 3 we can barely remember what it was like. I totally hear you though, at one point I was just content to have a dog. I don’t think everyone is genetically programmed to want to procreate, so honestly, do what makes you happy!
Having kids was a big topic some months ago with some collegues. I am 38 and single. “It’s almost too late for you to have kids” “Why don’t you want kids” “It’s selfish to not have kids” “Aren’t you afraid of beeing alone” and so on
My life is okay, not perfect. I am still searching something I can flourish in bc my job is too stressful, but haven’t found it yet. I don’t panic about the Single-thing, it happens when it happens I don’t feel this alone any more since I meditate regularily, feels like becoming one with something bigger (if that makes any sense lol).
Yes, people seem to think only their wants, needs, desires, fears, conditioning, etc., is right or correct for anyone else in the human race. This is humanity’s fatal flaw. Anyway, it’s her problem, not yours. I wouldn’t waste anymore energy on it.
I am about to turn 30 i have no kids and im also single. This was a choice i took to focus on myself for a while.
I do want kids however and who knows when tht will happen. I just get pestered by family about when ill find a nice man more than kids currently!
Same. I was adamant I didn’t want children and had to defend my choice constantly. Then something switched at 30. It turned out I couldn’t conceive after all so wasted years of panicking that I might fall pregnant. 6 years of IVF later I squeezed out 1 boy. My mum then said it was cruel to just have one. You just can’t win.
Do what ever is right for you. I have loads of friends who chose not to have kids. They are all incredibly happy.
And like others say, the dying alone bit is arse.
Having nursed countless people dying - many times the most caring and loving relationships are close friends, siblings or partners. I have seen too many kids argue over what their parents want and cause upset in the process.
Having kids just so you don’t die alone seems pretty selfish. Children are a huge responsibility. They’re not pets. Don’t let anyone shame you over making thoughtful and responsible decisions for yourself.
I find this interesting. Through my 20s I was adamant that I did not want children. Then at some point my view changes from “hard no” to “i wouldn’t rule it out”. The latter being that at the time I still feel no, but I appreciate that my life and hormones may change and it is possible that the desire would come to me and I would be open minded if that felt important at some point in the future. I’ve 37 and that desire still hasn’t hit me. I don’t even have any pets and my plants only consist of succulents
That said, I one of the driving factors for me packing in my previous career and moving from a “glam” life in a mega city back to Maine was that my brother had two little kiddos, who are the absolute light of my life. I am super hands on and doting auntie and feel great about throwing myself into supporting my brother and sister in law with their kiddos. This role for me seems to suit all of us. This is what I mean by there being more than one way to have children in your life than having one’s own.
In the same way that my fury is unleashed when people judge me for my personal choices, I also stand up HARD for my colleagues at work who get snide and inappropriate remarks about their pregnancies, choices around how they balance their work/family lives, breastfeeding, etc etc.
The reality is that for women, we are judged by society (men and women) on every single thing that we do or don’t do. Whether we have children or don’t have children. Whether we have too few or too or too many. Whether we go back to work after having children or don’t go back to work.
I recognize those questions and that pressure all too well. I read a wonderful book last year called “All the Single Ladies: unmarried women and the rise of an independent nation” by Rebecca Traister. I found it very informative and empowering.
I hear this all the time. But most people with kids die alone, and having them out of fear doesn’t seem right. I just don’t understand not dealing with the underlying loneliness. My wife and I (late 30s) don’t want kids, but we have friends, a time-sucking board game hobby, family we care about (including a niece and nephew).
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad. Push back hard. This is a major and consequential life choice, like sobriety, that no one should feel bad about and that we make a lot more acceptable when we defend it loudly.
I’ll be 38 in February, and my family gets on me about this regularly. I just tell them the same thing I always have when they ask “when are you gonna have one”, and that’s “not any time soon.” I love kids, I think they’re hilarious, and all that, but it’s not for me.
I definitely don’t equate not having kids to dying alone. Some people just don’t want to, and that shouldn’t be an issue.
When I was actively drinking and using I didn’t want kids. That decision was universally supported. Now that I’m sober my first kid will be here in June! That decision is generally supported. Turns out I’m actually a good dad. Who knew lol
I was not raised with the notion that I was going to get married, be a wife, have kids etc. That part of my future was supressed by my overbearing parents which where my trauma starts. Anyway, as controlling as they were one thing the did not put their nose in was who we choose to get married. Because they had their own very complicated story which is never talked about, except a few occasions with mom. We were raised to be educated, productive, good individuals that contributed to society in every way we can. My first marriage was to escape my parents control which scarred me for life. He was a great guy, did not want kids either. I got pregnant two months into our marriage. We decided to have and abortion and I did. You are welcome to judge me, that is your opinion. I personally thought that the life is all about suffering and I don’t have the right to bring someone to this world without their permission. If I was asked, I would never want to be born. Never regretted my decision. I am the oldest. No grandkids in my family. My brother is dead, my sister is in her late forties, an alcoholic. So, we all are going to die alone. I am waiting for my parents honestly, so that I don’t cause them more pain. After that I would like to die as soon as possible. I did not choose to come to life but I would like to have the right to end it humanely.
I totally get that too. I just feel like whether or not we disagree with each other about choices in life, it’s their choice and I’m not going to go around telling people the “right way” because maybe it’s not the right way for them. For me, I love my life, the freedom that I have with it, I can go where I want when I want, do what I want with the drop of the hat. I can take a random day road trip 4 hours somewhere, or go to the movies or dinner without worrying about a sitter. This is selfish of me to say but I like only being responsible for me and not having to worry about anyone else. Idk. Lol
I don’t feel this alone any more since I meditate regularily, feels like becoming one with something bigger (if that makes any sense lol).