Whew! Reading this thread again this morning has helped me so very much.
I was on the edge last night and sssoooo close to pouring a glass of bourbon to de-stress. Now I realize how sad and disappointed I would have felt this morning if I actually did that. I’m on day 18.
I’m still feeling a little disappointed because I ate too many snacks as the alternative. I used to blame the alcohol for late night overeating, but evidently that behavior wasn’t 100% the result of drinking. Oh well, one day at a time. Learning new things every day. And happy I’m not resetting my sober day counter today.
What were you thinking before relapse? Just a I think understanding triggers helps me. And also trying to choose something else, like a scary movie that keeps me preoccupied, good book, or a nice run/ dog walk.
It’s not half as easy as it sounds though, when you have that niggling craving lingering!
Awesome visuals of my life you started from the core w/this. & its so true its only a daily reprieve we get thats contingent on working a program to keep us reminded of how bad it actually was. Well put knives69 and thank you deep stuff right here. Way to do work being honest my hats off to you keep it up please. Each one teach one!
Oof. I can check off pretty much everything on that list. Including self harm after mixing my meds and heavy drinking— NEVER would i even have toed that line sober. (also the time i branded my initials into my forearm and ankle with my woodburning tool). Me, Drunk:
The lying, sneaking, empty bottle-hiding, nasty hostility directed at my gentle & patient husband, pretending to remember things I actually don’t, searching for ways to deflect, becoming an even better liar, drunk babysitting friends’ kids who I adore, unexplainable bruises & scrapes, giving myself drastic and terrible haircuts, loudly repeating myself and seeing friends’ eyes lock quickly— the shame that follows when you think people don’t know you’re drunk, biting too hard, thinking I’m seductive but actually I’m sloppy and gross, falling down, falling off a stage while performing, trying to kiss people I know I shouldn’t even think of doing so, wondering if I smell like booze, drinking straight from a handle bottle of warm vodka— just a sip, pretending I’m stoned and not drunk, crashing my bike, being too drunk at work (only twice—) to do my till and paperwork, preferring the bottle to the company of others, ruining my paintings with ‘great ideas,’ etc etc etc.
The shame makes a knot that travels between my stomach and my throat— my cheeks burn with it. It makes me want to drink. But I won’t. I really don’t want to, even though I really want to.
I am now day 7– my first time going that long without a drink in probably 20 years.
Seeing other peoples’ lists, which I recognize in a visceral way, helps alleviate some of the shame, and makes me feel like less of a monster.
Thanks for reading if you got this far! I guess I needed to vent a little.
I used to blame the alcohol for late night overeating, but evidently that behavior wasn’t 100% the result of drinking. Oh well, one day at a time. 
Learning new things every day. And happy I’m not resetting my sober day counter today. 
